An Open Letter to Ted Cruz

Hhhiiiii,

It’s been a few of days since you accidentally (wasn’t sure if I should put that in quotations) revealed to the world you watch porn so I figured now would be a good time to reach out. How are you? Been better I can see. Listen, don’t beat yourself up about this…. Ummm, let’s try that again. Listen, shit happens. Everyone at some point in their life gets caught looking at porn. It’s just a rite of passage that you experienced about 30 years after a person normally experiences it. We’ve all been caught and if I could, I’d like to offer some words of encouragement and advice.

First, watching – even liking – porn is totally normal. It is, honest! It makes you human, something you should be grateful for because none of us really believe that you are. I don’t know why, Ted (now that I know this secret of yours it’s cool that I call you Ted, right? Excellent). It might be because of your face, or the way that you speak, or the fact that you come off as a robot. I don’t have an answer, I’m not a psychologist. The point is NOW you’re a human. This is working wonders for you already! (Trust me, OK Ted, I used to work in PR)

With that being said I have to be honest and tell you that you’re going about this all wrong. In fact you’re handling this like a 15-year-old who just got busted would so I’m starting to believe this truly is your first time getting caught. So either you never watched porn as a teen (doubt it), or you were an incredibly sneaky adolescent. A true born politician – you’re really missing the boat on all of these wonderful opportunities for your next campaign.

Aannyyy whhooo, back to how you’re completely fucking this up. I just read an interview you did where your response to this whole Twitter debacle was “It was Not Me.” Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted. Come on. That’s the first thing a guilty person says. I just Googled your age and based on your date of birth I’m guessing that you’ve never heard the song nor seen the video for “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy. Well, Mr. Cruz, don’t let the title fool you because I can assure you that it was in fact, him. And that’s what you sound like, because that’s what I sounded like when I got caught. Congratulations, Ted, you have something in common with one of the people you technically represent! (I say technically because I didn’t vote for you, just in case you were wondering) Except unlike you who’s kept their love of porn in a metaphorical closet, the evidence that got me busted was in my actual closet, in VHS form.

You know what, let’s talk about that. Here you are whining all over TV about how it wasn’t you, completely unappreciative of the fact that you were watching from the privacy of your phone. Back in my day I had to steal VHS tapes and wait for my parents to leave to use the VCR. AND GOD FORBID you leave the tape in the VCR. You know how stealth you have to be to pull that shit off? Neither do I because I got caught. And you? All you have to do is keep your finger off the Twitter heart. Jesus, have a little perspective.

Anyway, now that we all know the real you it’s time you just own it. You’d be surprised how many people would be like “finally, a politician who’s also kind of real.” And don’t worry about the whole hypocritical I’m-all-about-the-Jesus-I-would-never-do-that thing, people will get over it eventually. In fact, me being the nice person that I am, I’m going to reach back from my PR days and write you a statement to release to the press when you’re done with your “I didn’t do it” tour.

Ready?

Here it is:

“I was drunk. My bad.”

It’s real with a hint of a lie so you don’t lose your street cred. (I’m just assuming you weren’t drunk, I don’t know, I’m not your sponsor) I mean really, Ted, who does your PR? You know what, I’m not even going to charge you for that statement. You’re welcome.

You’re free now, run along. Go back to being the senator of our state. And if you need more help not fucking things up you know who to turn to.

Not Twitter.