I would like to start by saying Holy Jesus On a Stick there are a FUCK TON of people calling themselves life coaches. There are different varieties of them but they all sound about the same, and because there are so many this turned out to not be as easy as I thought it would be.
Variations of posts were in abundance with every account having a mimic like they’d paired up or something. But they weren’t linked to each other (probably to not raise suspicion) so finding the identical posts turned into that memory match card game except instead of trying to find 2 bears I was trying to find 2 plagiarists.
It was exhausting
I almost didn’t want to do this anymore.
But I persevered and scrolled through one account after another, finding the irony in the fact that their offer includes helping you become your authentic self pitched in a caption below a professionally taken and edited photo of them doing something super natural like smiling maniacally while sitting on a bench and staring off into the distance.
Besides having every single thing in common, they were also all filled with inspirational quotes. Quotes as far as the eye can see, as in I’ve literally seen them before, which was pretty interesting because underneath these quotes were the life coaches’ names and handles – not the names of who the quotes were really by.
People you may have heard of such as Jamie Anderson, the author of Doctor Who.
Like this one!
Odd. I think they thought that because they switched out a word or tweaked it a bit they could just call it there’s. Sneaky sneaky.
It was bound to happen, I suppose. I mean, some of the people I found were dubbed “thought leaders” by Oprah (which, BTW, I think it’s time we quit listening to her and I would like to use Dr. Phil as exhibit A) so it only makes sense that they would see a quote and think “oh yeah, I think the same thing!”, and then just take it and say it was theirs.
So, that’s where I started: quotes. The quotes that appeared to be by the “life coach” which let me tell you, were hard to sift through and required a lot of Googling. The only time this was easy was when I’d read a quote that made zero fucking sense – then I knew it was original.
Anyway, the quote (or variation of) that kept poking me in my pessimistic eye was an inspirational set of words that proclaimed that anything you put out into the universe, you can have. You can manifest anything.
Here’s one from one account.
And here’s one from another!
What they’re essentially saying is “ask and you shall receive”, but to figure out how to make it happen, you have to cough up a coaching fee.
Maybe it’s just me but I don’t think you need to pay someone $500 a month or thousands of dollars to attend a retreat to figure that out.
I’ll just tell you.
Ask for something and you just might get it.
My friend Christy will tell you that her new job came via manifestation and her vision board. But for some reason, she won’t also give credit to the other pieces of the universe that helped: her resumé, our mutual friend who helped touch up her resumé, and Indeed.
*Side note: I’m not against vision boards, they’re actually a good way to stay focused on your goals. Christy’s daughter, however, is and drew penises on hers, which is objectively funny.
There’s admirability in the act of asking for what you want, it isn’t always an easy thing to do. What they don’t mention is that sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t, especially when that thing involves other people.
You’re just not always going to get what you want.
Case in point:
Have you ever been to the Kalahari? With the exception of all the kids running around everywhere, it’s pretty awesome. They have an arcade room that rivals Dave and Busters and it is the absolute best. They don’t have it anymore but the first time we went, they had this huge digital Connect 4 game right in the middle of the arcade.
Nothing says “I’m smarter and more strategic than you” than winning a game of Connect 4 so naturally, my husband and I sat down to play.
People gathered ‘round which makes the game more stressful – you want those people to see you win but you also want them to shut the fuck up because this is a game of world domination when you’re playing against your significant other.
As we played, a little girl walked up to us and stood right next to me, in my personal bubble. But I was focused on obliterating my husband so I let her stay.
13 seconds later, she began to talk, something I hadn’t consented to.
“Duh,” I said in my head. Silence is what I said out loud.
“This game looks cool”.
It was cool but what the hell? Had my husband recruited her to distract me? THIS GAME DETERMINES THE RULER OF THE HOUSE, KID!
But she continued and did something I thought was pretty brave of a child appearing to be aged 7 to 10.
“I wanna play, give me a quarter”.
She said this to me.
Ballsy. I never even asked my parents for money like that.
Give me? I could never tell my mom “give me” much less a total stranger. This kid had guts. She was going to grow up and just ask for what she wanted and probably get it because she’s got gumption.
I turned to her, facing her stern little aged 7 to 10 face.
“No. Now go stand over there”.
That kid is probably going places but that day, that place did not include Connect 4 with my quarter.
And you know what she did?
She shrugged her shoulders like “whatever bitch” and went to go hustle someone else. She moved right on and continued her quest to play games with everyone else’s quarters. Like a true pyramid scheme seller.
I did the right thing because she learned two lessons that day (or zero lessons because kids don’t care). One, you don’t fuck around when it comes to Connect 4, and, B) you don’t always get what you want.
And she taught me that whatever the outcome, you just keep moving forward.
The moral of the story is: it isn’t necessary to pay someone to tell you to ask for the shit that you want. Like, you can just do that (and I’m not even going to send you a bill for that!). The worst someone will tell you is ‘no’ and if you grew up with a mom like mine, then you’re tough enough to take that.
You may not always get it but at least you can figure out what to do next after you get an answer.
I’m not sure what became of that brave aged 7 to 10 child but I hope she’s ruling her end of the world, asking for everything her little however-old-her-heart-is-now desires.
And she probably is.
Or she’s turning little kids and small adults upside down and shaking the quarters out of them, cursing me as she does so.