Internet Airball: I lived it. I dated an Abercrombie night stock guy

It’s only fitting that this piece would be rejected. You see, I wrote it after watching the Netflix documentary on Abercrombie & Fitch where I discovered the awful truth about a guy who rejected me several times during our relationship.

I guess I’m not surprised that my satirical revenge piece didn’t make the cut. But writing it made me happy and I want to share it. Also, suck it Mark!

Enjoy!

I Lived It: I Dated an Abercrombie Night Stock Guy

As a pop culture guru, I’m all about the latest trends, and right now True Crime is where it’s at. I read all the blogs. I listen to all the podcasts. You have a petition to re-open your favorite alleged murderer’s case? Where do I sign? I. Love. True Crime.

Or at least I did… until I became a victim. 

My workday began like any other. I turned on my computer so my boss could see that I’d logged in, then I Netflix’d and chilled. Halfway through the documentary I’d been waiting months for, it happened. In an instant, I went from a regular woman waiting for her chance to solve a cold case to the actual subject of a documentary. 

As I happily watched White Hot: The Rise and Fall of Abercrombie, it happened. I discovered the truth about Abercrombie stock guys. And I dated one just 18 years ago. I dated an Abercrombie Night Stock guy.

How could this have happened? I was always so careful about who I was seen with, although I guess he was never really seen.

If you date an Abercrombie guy but the awake world doesn’t see him working the floor, did he actually even exist? I understand the philosophical Instagram accounts now. I get it.

When I met Mark, I thought I’d actually found a name-brand guy. According to Netflix, I may as well have been dating one of the ogres from American Eagle.

And what does that say about my judgment? How could I be so blind as to why he was being hidden away? And oh my god, what if Chrystal saw it? Here I was trying so hard to keep other girls away from my find and the whole time he was a knockoff. Frabercrombie and Fitch.

I completely understand the women from Tinder Swindler now. We just didn’t know.

All of this true crime I watch and I still became a victim. It really can happen to anyone.

I know you’re wondering if Mark knew he was pulling the 100% cotton “Damn I’m Chiseled” graphic tee over my eyes. The answer is I truly don’t know. I mean, nobody goes into Abercrombie and applies for a job thinking they have a face for podcasts. 

But, then again, that’s a swindler for you. 

Listen, I’m not completely partial. This happened almost two decades ago and even though the wound is fresh, I’m mature now and can give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he’s also a victim. Maybe, at the same time as me, he watched the documentary and realized he was a casualty in this too. Maybe he felt just as attacked. He’ll know what it actually meant to be an Abercrombie stockroom guy.

Fuck I hope so.

Watch This, Not That: The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel vs. Demonic

According to Google, the definition of ‘horror’ is “an intense feeling of fear, shock, or disgust” which simultaneously explains, and somehow does not explain, why there are so many shitty movies lumped into this genre on Netflix. It’s tough to find good horror these days, at least something that’s not brought to us by the news anyway. It just so happens I do not watch the news. It also just so happens that the news watches me because this week’s Watch This is a documentary on a story that made national headlines.

This past week, Netflix released a 4-part documentary called Crime Scene: The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel which detailed the disappearance of a young tourist named Elisa Lam. I’d actually heard of this case before, not from the news (thank God) but from my favorite YouTube channel, Top5s. About 6 years ago, one of their videos featured the footage of Elisa Lam in an elevator that shocked the interwebs. When I first saw it, it creeped me out. You see, Elisa Lam was a woman who traveled from Canada to L.A., found herself staying at the infamous Cecil Hotel which is where she was last seen. After she was reported missing, video surveillance captured Elisa in one of the elevators looking paranoid and frightened. That was the last anyone saw her until she was discovered more than 2 weeks later in one of the hotel’s water tanks.

Prior to the discovery of what actually happened to her (she climbed in herself which was most likely brought on by her mental illness), the story itself was something out of a true horror film. In fact, some people compared it to the 2005 film Dark Water. Those people would be conspiracy theorists who decided it was their job to find out (i.e. make up) what happened to Elisa Lam. They would also be the same people who helped pin it on someone who’d never even met Elisa Lam, causing that individual to basically give up a part of his life because of the harassment, helping this documentary land in the ‘horror’ genre thanks to that one tidbit of this story being absolutely disgusting. In fact, the scariest part of this documentary is the incredible amount of people who could afford to spend countless hours investigating Elisa Lam’s case, making it difficult at times for actual investigators to do actual investigating.

Then there’s the former GM of the hotel who gives off serious American Horror Story: Hotel vibes – she plays a great villain. The entire documentary is weird and while it’s definitely a shocker of a story, it’s more tragic than anything. The Cecil Hotel is worth Googling as it’s actually pretty disturbing. However, the only reason you should watch the documentary is to understand what mental illness can do to a person as well as understand how much of a tool you’ll look like if you spread conspiracy theories – particularly ones you made up – about a subject matter that effects millions of people.

Coincidentally, this week’s “don’t watch” is a movie based on demonic possession which some are more than ok with classifying as mental illness. Demonic is about a bunch of amateur ghost hunters (what else?) attempt to become professional ghost hunters by venturing into a house where a mass murder took place with a goal of raising the dead. As you may have figured out, the majority of them die because one of them gets possessed but actually he’s dead and it’s his girlfriend who is possessed but not for real her, her baby is possessed.

Other than that stellar description I just provided, here’s why you shouldn’t watch it: as with most terrible horror films, we’re never told or given any sort of inclination as to what and/or who is possessing people. It could be the devil. It could be something pretending to be the devil. It could be a picture frame. Who knows? Not the screenplay writer, that’s for sure. I give it one star and that’s only because Dustin Milligan, AKA Ted from Schitt’s Creek, is in it.