American Horror Story: Roanoke – Chapter 7

I’m going to take you back, back to when worlds collide and fake-Matt and real-Matt get into a fight. Sydney is watching the madness go down from the production trailer when the new assistant, Alyssa, walks in with dinner. While Sydney is eating he misses something on the screen, but the cameraman sees it: Rory being murdered by the nurses. Suddenly they hear a scream. Sydney walks outside to investigate and in his final act of asshole he calls the cameraman outside and has him get Alyssa, whose throat has been slashed and is dying, on camera. Sydney gets his, though, because Agnes pops out from the bushes and stabs him in the stomach and then kills the cameraman. She’s completely lost it and thinks she’s the Butcher.

Meanwhile, fake-Shelby is looking for Rory. Matt tries to remind her that, hello he’s dead, but nobody believes him and they all start searching for Rory. Fake-Matt finds real blood but fake-Shelby is still in denial about him being dead, instead believing that he left her because he couldn’t handle their age gap.

Back to Agnes who has completely lost her mind and is talking into the dead cameraman’s camera. She switches between realizing what she’s done and speaking gibberish in her Butcher voice. She’s finally silenced by the flame on her torch going out and the sound of chanting; when she re-ignites it she’s surrounded by those hanging stick things and she freaks out.

Back in the house fake-Matt is hitting on real-Shelby and real-Matt walks in on it. He tells fake-Matt he can have her and walks off diva style. Fake-Matt heads into the confessional and tells America what his agenda is: He’s there to make TV great again by being the bad guy, ruining his cast-mates lives and helping the show get good ratings. He’s OK with this because he thinks it’ll lead to more lead roles and, as he puts it, “what’s more important than screen time?”

While fake-Matt is busy bragging about being a super dick, real-Shelby is up in her room crying. She pauses for a moment when she sees a camera (dead cameraman’s camera) and while scoping it out crazy Agnes pops out from the bathroom and attacks her. She slashes real-Shelby’s shoulder and just when she’s about to finish the job fake-Matt tackles Agnes and manages to knock her out. He helps real-Shelby but when he looks back Agnes is gone. Fake-Shelby helps bandage up real-Shelby and then real-Matt joins in the fun. Real-Lee is trying to get help but all the phone lines have been cut and nobody knows Sydney and everyone is dead so they can’t figure out why nobody has sent help. Real- and fake-Lee decide to go get help and there’s no need to worry because real-Lee has a real gun to protect herself. I like real-Lee. Fake-Shelby joins them and they all take the secret tunnel to get out. Halfway through they see something and real-Lee thinks it’s Edward and he can probably help them; whatever it is does not seem like it’s willing to help because it screams at them, real-Lee shoots it and then they run. They manage to make it out of the tunnel and begin looking for the production trailer. They eventually find it as well as the bodies of Sydney, Alyssa the new assistant and the cameraman. Fake-Shelby starts freaking out and then has the best line: “I’m not American, I’m not used to all this carnage.” Touche. Suddenly crazy Agnes charges at them but real-Lee does not fuck around and shoots her. They start to head back to the house when they see villagers approaching and run for it. Real-Shelby decides to leave a video message for Rory just in case but it isn’t necessary, she can just tell him herself because after a few drops of blood fall on her face she looks up and dead-Rory is strung up in the trees. Fake-Shelby starts with the tears again but they don’t have time for that because someone or a bunch of someone’s are coming for them. They run, hide, and get caught, like all horror stories. Meanwhile Agnes is back in her lair removing the bullet and she’s probably the real Butcher because she doesn’t die.

Real-Matt and real-Shelby are asleep when something wakes him up and in a trance-like state he heads to the basement; fake-Matt sees him and follows him. Turns out real-Matt was summoned by the Witch and when fake-Matt sees what they’re up to he heads upstairs, wakes up real-Shelby and takes her down to the basement so she can see them as well. She finds them having sex, grabs a crowbar and knocks the Witch (who is 150 times more grotesque than in the reenactment, like most reality shows) off of him and then tries to get real-Matt to leave with her, to which he replies: “she’s the reason I came back here, I’m in love with her.” You don’t say that to a woman holding a crowbar, which real-Shelby proves by bashing real-Matt’s head in! She killed him!! And fake-Matt just stands there until he’s fully dead!! You know what, if the Witch was as powerful as claimed in the show why didn’t she just kill real-Shelby and fake-Matt and keep real-Matt? Probably because it’s not as crazy as REAL-SHELBY KILLING REAL-MATT!

So the Lee’s and fake-Shelby have been captured by the Polk family; fake-Lee and fake-Shelby are in one room, real-Lee is in another. Let’s start with real-Lee: they cut her pant leg and then start to cut pieces of her leg for consumption. Those pieces are then fed to fake-Lee and fake-Shelby.

Meanwhile real-Shelby is in shock and is now starting to realize what she’s done and needs fake-Matt’s help. But that fake-Matt, let me tell you, he’s one real son of a bitch; he tells Shelby she needs to turn herself in and that he tried to stop her but couldn’t. So yea, he’s really gunning for his own spin-off. Fake-Matt and his fake compassion are interrupted when he hears something outside; he looks out the window and it’s crazy Agnes. Agnes goes off on a tangent about God knows what because I can’t understand her and then the real-villagers join her. She thinks they’re all in cahoots when who makes their debut? The real-Butcher, who’s about 95 times more terrifying looking than Agnes was when she played the Butcher. So Agnes thinks they can be buds because that’s her idol but there can only be one Butcher and the real-Butcher slices Agnes’ head in half, and NOW she’s dead. I’ll begrudgingly admit, I’m getting more and more interested in this series as it progresses. I’m taking it as a reward for investing in the first 5 painful weeks.

American Horror Story: Roanoke – Chapter 6

Well, well, well, it looks as though I may have to eat my words because American Horror Story is turning itself around, and not a moment too soon because I was just about to hurl my TV through a window. We are now entering phase 2 of this saga; now that My Roanoke Nightmare (title of the reality show we’ve just spent 5 weeks hating) has wrapped the producer, Sydney, is now working on the follow up series. His new reality show is going to be called Return to Roanoke: 3 Days in Hell and his plan is to have worlds collide by having both the actors and the real people from the original show stay in the death house during the blood moon and film them freaking out. He pitches this to the suits at the network but they have a few concerns, one being that some viewers are pissed that Mason’s (Lee’s ex-husband) killer was never revealed and other viewers are pissed because they think Lee killed him and got away with it. Nonetheless Sydney convinces them to go through with the show and immediately gets to work.

He begins by interviewing Shelby, er, the real Shelby, who  agreed to do the show because she was getting harassed by people who didn’t believe her story, but has one stipulation: Dominic Banks, the actor who played Matt, cannot be there. Why? Because her and Matt are getting a divorce because she had a weekend fling with Dominic. Sydney sympathetically agrees but that wouldn’t make for a good show so he casts Dominic anyway. At the house the crew is installing cameras everywhere as well as installing set ups around the house that are meant to scare the cast. You see, Sydney doesn’t believe their story or that these ghosts actually exist so he’s going to make sure he scares the shit out of them any way he can. His assistant Diana doesn’t like the idea of setting up the cast but Sydney has a goal of putting pressure on the real people to confess that it wasn’t real as well as get Lee to confess that she killed Mason. They continue to work when a crew member stops them to look at a circle of fetal pigs that someone left behind a tree.

Sydney’s next interview is with Agnes, the woman who played the Butcher on the show. Apparently after the show wrapped Agnes lost her mind and ran down Hollywood BLVD in full Butcher character screaming nonsense and swinging a butcher knife at people, slashing a bystander. Sydney believes that crazy Agnes is the one behind the fetal pigs stunt and the whole reason for the interview is to let her know she won’t be doing the show and to document production serving her with a restraining order. As Sydney and Diana-the-assistant leave Agnes runs out and starts screaming something about smiting them (using her Butcher voice), which Sydney likes because he wants her to show up to the set and continue with the crazy.

Meanwhile the real Lee does an interview with E! News to talk about the new season and explain her reasons for agreeing to do the show: clear her name and to get paid. Sydney, Diana-the-assistant and an exec watch the interview and discuss what they need to do to stay out of trouble in case Lee kills again and fake-Lee (played by a woman named Monet) starts drinking because she’s an alcoholic. Ironically while they’re talking lawsuits and staying out of trouble, Sydney gets a phone call from a crew member: another crew member has accidentally sawed their own head off. Sydney and Diana-the-assistant head to the set where, after evaluating the situation, Sydney decides the show must go on. This doesn’t sit well with Diana the assistant so she decides she’s done with the show and leaves. While driving away she sees someone in the road, changes direction and then the pig-man (the real pig-man) pops out from the backseat like an urban legend and grabs her and she crashes and she’s dead. She did manage to record the whole thing which police find three months later, but her body is still missing. So that’s the end of Diana-the-assistant.

It’s time to be introduced to more of the actors who played the real life Roanoke Nightmare individuals. Meet Audrey, an English woman who played Shelby and is married to Rory, the actor who played Edward. Sydney has set up a confessional which Audrey (I’m just going to call her fake-Shelby) is using to tell her and Rory’s story: they met on set, got married in a wedding that looked like a skit you’d see on SNL, and even though Rory is up for a movie that’ll keep him away for a while, she explains that she 100% trusts him while wearing the world’s worst poker face, and thus ends her confessional. Fake-Shelby and Rory head downstairs to explore and see something in the window. It’s Agnes (fake-Butcher). Agnes breaks the window, Rory and fake-Shelby run for the door but when they open it they’re greeted by the majority of the cast, and Sydney. Fake-Shelby and Rory tell Sydney about Agnes and fake-Shelby is convinced that little old Agnes is after her because she won an award called a Saturn and Agnes did not.

Everyone has convened in the living room where real-Shelby congratulates fake-Shelby and Rory on their marriage, following that up with “it’s never too late”, which makes fake-Shelby flip out because she’s self-conscious about being older than Rory. This caused me to officially be annoyed with real-and-fake Shelby. Real-Matt and real-Lee join the party and now Sydney can give them their cameras so they can document every waking moment. Kind of like that Facebook live bullshit but their deaths will be viewed later. Real-Shelby isn’t interested in cameras, she’s interested in apologizing to real-Matt who wants nothing to do with her. Real-Lee yells at real-Shelby for being a real asshole and then they all storm off. And then dick fake-Shelby chimes in and brags about how she nailed playing the real-Shelby, calling her pathetic. Jerk. Actor high-fives all around. Fake-Lee, fake-Shelby and Rory head to the kitchen and start gossiping; they all think the real people’s story is bullshit with Rory making the comment that they filmed in the house for 8-weeks and nothing happened. Real-Matt walks in on his comment and is like “yea assholes you were here in the Summer, look out the window.” And there it is, the blood moon. Still, the actors are dildos about it. Then, a message from the producers: over the next 3 days everyone in the series died except for one person, so now you HAVE to watch it. Which is fine because it’s finally getting interesting. Fun fact: the show never aired (in pretend) so we’re watching (or the fake viewers are watching) found footage. Leading me to think as well as hope it’s not like a Blair Witch Project type thing.

Anyway, real-Matt goes to his room, looking like the human equivalent of a ASPCA commercial. Rory and fake-Shelby film themselves doing it, fake-Lee pours herself a stiff one, real-Lee heads to the kitchen and real, dead-Mason walks behind her. Real-Shelby sneaks into real-Matt’s room; she tries to get romantic and he responds with: “we shouldn’t be here, we’re probably going to die this time.”

Meanwhile fake-Lee is real drunk and has stumbled into the kitchen where real-Lee is having a meal. Real-Lee offers her support to which fake-Lee replies “playing you is the reason I’m a drunk” and then she talks shit about killing Mason, which real-Lee denies.

Back in sad, real-Matt’s room real-Shelby is trying to convince him to leave and go home when they’re interrupted by a knock at the front door. Real-Shelby answers it and it’s fake-Matt, her weekend fling. Worlds collide: real-Matt comes face-to-face with fake-Matt and they get into a real fight that Rory ends up breaking it up.

While all of this is happening fake-Shelby is upstairs taking a shower. She gets out, looks in the mirror and the pig-man is standing right behind her. She runs out screaming, the gang comforts her while Rory runs upstairs to find out who’s behind the pig-man stunt. He searches all over ending with a closet; he closes the doors, turns around and is hacked to death by the real, dead-nurses. I have to say, it’s nice to see what the ghosts really look like, you know? Coincidentally, while Rory is being killed, real-Matt just happens to walk by the dead-nurses kill-room when he sees they’ve finally finished spelling out the word MURDER. I think it’s important to accomplish goals. Real-Matt walks into the kitchen and very REDRUM-like he looks at everyone and says “R is for Rory”. I haven’t 100% warmed to anyone yet so I’m not cheering for anyone’s survival, although I will say that knowing only one person survives and that at least one of the Shelby’s will get whacked is enough to cheer for.

American Horror Story: Roanoke – Chapter 5

I don’t know about the rest of you but I’ve about had it with Matt and Shelby and at this point I’ve begun cheering for the villagers, but before we pick up where we left off we’re first given the answer to a question nobody was asking (or at least I wasn’t): where the house came from. In 1792 an extremely wealthy man named Edward Pillipe Mautt bought the lot and had the house built so he could be alone with his art. Long story short his art was defiled one night so he threw a tantrum, punished his servants (who didn’t do it, obviously) by locking them in the cellar AND THEN the Butcher and her people kill him and the servants in the cellar die. So there’s that.

So back to the mob. Matt calls 911 for the 237th time to save them from the ghost mob but they’re out in the middle of nowhere so the cops won’t be arriving any time soon. The Butcher makes a reasonable offer: if they come out now she’ll kill them quickly. Since Shelby and Matt are selfish they come up with a different plan: Matt’s going to go outside first and create a diversion like a Saved by the Bell episode while Shelby and Flora run to the truck. So they go ahead with this sure fire plan but before they get to the stairwell a ghost girl that has taken on the mannerisms of a spider (I think it’s one of the Chen’s) grabs Flora and trots off. That’s not the only part of their plan that goes awry: the villagers have set Matt and Shelby’s cars on fire. The spider girl eventually sets Flora down, Matt and Shelby get her back but are now surrounded by the pig-man and the three hunters. They miraculously escape and make it to the basement. Anyone else would be dead by now but THEY manage to continue to flee.

Down in the basement they meet Edward who helps them escape via a secret tunnel, leads them into the woods and then disappears. So now Matt, Shelby and Flora are on their own but not to worry because their friends’ the Polk family kidnaps them. You remember them, the hillbillies who lost the bid on the house. Matt, Shelby and Flora are taken to the Polk’s home where they discover that Elias is alive and being used as food for the Polk’s. Look, there’s not a grocery store for miles so what exactly do you want them to do? Unfortunately for Elias he wasn’t very edible so they kill him by bashing his head in. Mama Polk then explains that she has a deal with the Butcher: she brings them victims to sacrifice and in return the Butcher leaves them alone.

Meanwhile Lee is wrapping up her 48 hours of questioning regarding her dead ex-husband and is finally out of custody. But while she’s jacking around at the police station Matt, Shelby and Flora are being driven to the Butcher via the Polk’s. Seated in the bed of the truck and with a rifle pointed at his face Matt comes up with another genius plan: he decides to wrestle away the gun from the Polk boy, which causes him to accidentally shoot the other Polk boy (who’s driving), which allows Shelby to kick the once gun-wielding Polk brother out of the truck, which allows them all to escape, but then they get caught by the not-dead Polk boy. Mama Polk is mad and to make sure they don’t run again she smashes Shelby’s ankle and delivers all of them to the Butcher.

While all of this is going on Lee manages to get an officer to drive her back to the house where she arrives just in time to watch everyone get whacked. She tells the officer to call for backup and in a wonderful display of nope he responds by driving off. Flora is first on the hit list but before they get a chance to kill her the Butcher’s son has a sudden change of heart and stops the killing by clubbing the Butcher and then grabbing her and jumping into their bonfire, killing them both, even though they’re already dead. Just bare with me, I promise this episode is almost over. So Edward reappears and unties Matt and Shelby, and then the pig-man charges at Flora but Lee found a car, hit him with it and they all flee. And they all lived and Shelby will never get over it and good God we’re only half way through the season.

American Horror Story: Roanoke – Chapter 4

We begin this episode with Matt’s one-man show of “I don’t remember having sex with that woman”. After an Academy Award winning performance Shelby believes him and starts to calm down. She heads to the bathroom to take a shower, opens the shower curtain and standing there, ready to attack, is the pig-man. It chases her throughout the house, Matt tackles it, then it chases both of them, and then a man comes out of nowhere and hits it with an ax. Surprise! The hero is Elias, the crazy guy from the tapes. The pig-man stands up, Elias yells croatoan and the pig-man disappears. They all settle in while Elias pours himself a tall one and begins to explain what croatoan means and who he is. So croatoan is basically a word of dark magic. Elias was the owner of the house and the only reason he never sold it was because he didn’t want anyone else to buy it and meet their demise. BUT, he couldn’t pay the taxes on it so it went into foreclosure and was eventually auctioned off. Matt thinks he’s a liar and begins to throw him out when Elias starts going through a list of things he knows about the house, the majority of which being occurrences that have happened to Matt and Shelby. To further prove he’s not insane, or trying to get the house back, he takes them down to the basement and shows them a book that serves as a log of all of the paranormal activity that’s happened in the house. Apparently this place has been making people disappear since the 1700s. A few of the stories include an Asian family, the Chen’s, who bought the house in the 70s, were haunted by pigs and the pig-man and were all eventually killed by the Butcher and her mob; the psychotic sister nurses, Bridget and Miranda, who in fact did not just up-and-disappear but were also killed by the Butcher and her posse; and then there were 3 hunters who stayed in the house and ended up blowing each others heads off.

Elias then gives them the low down on the hauntings and killings: the spirits can haunt at any time but they can only kill during the first lunar cycle in October. From the first quarter moon to the blood moon it’s 6 fun-filled days of killing. Oh, also, the first quarter moon is supposed to rise that very night so it’s time to get the hell out of there. Because Shelby is an idiot she doesn’t believe him, and even though she’s seen just about everything he’s described she thinks he just wants the house back. Matt doesn’t want to leave either but only because he doesn’t want to leave Flora. In an attempt to comfort Matt, Elias responds with “if she’s with the Butcher she’s as good as dead.” Shelby tells him Flora is actually with Priscilla, whom Elias just happens to know so he takes them to her.

They arrive at a location where all the spirits hang out and Shelby still doesn’t believe him until… huh, what’s that over there Shelby? It appears to be a circle of dead people and a not-dead Flora running around in the middle of them. Matt recognizes Priscilla as the little girl who led them to the cellar, which led them to find the Elias tapes. You can see the wheels turning in Matt’s head as he tries to piece it all together, AND THEN! There she is, the woman Matt had sex with. Matt stands there, locked in a trance while Shelby starts to chase her. And of course, she gets lost in the woods… and here come the spirits. Just as the three dead hunters start making their appearance Elias grabs Shelby and they run back to Matt who is watching Flora play with all of the spirits. Matt tries to get her but since Elias is the chosen one he stops Matt so that he (Elias) can get her. Elias calls out to Priscilla and just as he begins negotiations a horn sounds drawing everyone’s attention. And then BAM! Elias gets lit up with arrows.

So Elias is dead, Flora is still with the spirits, and all Matt and Shelby can do is run to the house where they are greeted by Cricket. His monologue goes something like this: “Are you guys done fucking around because you would’ve gotten Flora back by now if you hadn’t made me look like an asshole to the Butcher by not leaving when you said you would, jerks.” Now that it looks like things can’t get any worse, Shelby is finally ready to do whatever she needs to get Flora back, to which Cricket replies “uh yea, the Butcher isn’t interested.” Thanks to Matt and Shelby Cricket now has to figure out another way to get Flora back. He heads back into the woods and returns hours later with even more reasons why they need to get the hell out of that place. His story is as follows: while out in the woods he meets a woman, a woman he says is stronger than the Butcher. This woman is Matt’s fling and also she’s a witch. She blows some mystical powder in Cricket’s face but before she can kill him he starts telling her everything he knows about her and, in a last ditch effort to get her to spare his life, offers her the one thing she’s been wanting since the last episode: Matt. This pleases the witch so she discloses the secret past of the colony. They begin to stroll down memory lane, literally. As in he’s taken back in time and sees it all for himself.

Here’s the deal: the house and the land is the site of the lost colony of Roanoke, except they were never really lost. When the Butcher moved them they were considered lost, or nobody could find their new location, or they became invisible, I don’t know. They just weren’t lost, OK? Anyway, the land was known to them as the “horn of plenty”, a place where there was never a shortage of food, they had everything they wanted and the place was practically perfect. Kind of like heaven except not at all like heaven because in order to maintain that bliss the Butcher had to make human sacrifices to.. well, I’m not sure who but she just did. Eventually her son got tired of being evil and turned the entire colony against her. I need to wrap this up. So the Witch tells her to condemn them to the land, the Butcher kills them all and then the Witch kills the Butcher and they’re all dead and stuck there the end.

Since Cricket and the Witch are BFFs now she also showed him a spell that would put down the Butcher and her posse, which either means that the script writers got lazy or it’s a trick. Armed with a plan Cricket takes an Uber back to his hotel room but they don’t get very far because Flora runs in front of the car and Cricket gets out to chase after her. Back at the house Matt and Shelby are still waiting on Cricket who’s now been gone for several hours. They both dose off and after a few hours Matt wakes up and heads outside. He hears someone in the cellar, investigates and discovers it’s his beloved Witch. She seduces Matt and this time he’s super into it AND remembers, but right before the do it Shelby wakes up, walks outside and starts screaming for Matt because she can see the Butcher and the villagers approaching the house. Matt snaps out of it and runs to Shelby where they both see that the Butcher has Flora. Flora’s about to get whacked when Priscilla hits the Butcher and Flora escapes. Matt and Shelby take Flora inside and ask her if she’s OK, but all she can say is “the man, the man”. The man she’s referring to is Cricket, and right before their eyes the Butcher disembowels him. Once he’s dead the Butcher points at Matt and Shelby and gives them a ‘you’re next’ look. The moral of this episode is don’t help Matt and Shelby.

American Horror Story: Roanoke – Chapter 3

In case you were wondering, pieces of Flora were not in her sweater. I promise. The episode began with the police (who at this point have become main characters) retrieving the sweater from the tree. Lee confirms the sweater is Flora’s and the cops are completely over this family so their reaction is pretty much “cool” and now Lee thinks the cops are in cahoots with the hillbillies. Matt, Shelby and Lee continue to look for Flora and eventually come across more traces of her; they find Flora’s doll, er, the body of her doll with a pig head in place of the doll head. I take back what I said earlier; dead pigs are now main characters in the show. Anyway, they keep searching and eventually arrive at a house with a welcome mat made up of a decapitated pig with Flora’s doll head in place of the pigs head. They search the house sans any sort of weapon; luckily, with the exception of dead animal parts, flies and maggots, the house appears to be abandoned. They begin screaming for Flora and get a response that is coming from a nearby barn. The trio walk into the barn and find two young boys drinking milk from a pig. If you think reading that was gross you should’ve seen the actual scene.

The kids are taken into custody and the social worker tries to get the boys to talk by feeding them candy. Unfortunately for her this method doesn’t work as the only word the kids can say/scream is croatoan. Mason shows up at the police station and they all go back to the house where he then accuses Lee of hiding Flora in an attempt to run off with her. They squabble, Mason pushes Lee and then he leaves. The gang, minus Mason, tries to get some sleep but the entire property is haunted, a fact that they’ve yet to accept, and of course, Matt is awakened by a phone call. This time it’s the cops calling him; they inform him they’ve found something and he should probably head over to their location. Matt wakes up Shelby and together with Lee they meet up with the cops where they’re treated to a visual of the charred remains of Mason. After heading back home Matt notices a missed notification from his security system; it appears that when Mason left the house Lee followed behind him and didn’t return for 4 hours. Soooo….. After watching the video Shelby believes that yoga-hating Lee killed Mason and expresses her feelings to Matt, naturally Lee walks in just in time to hear her. The three of them begin to argue which prevents them from being aware of the little man who has let himself in the house. He introduces himself as a medium named Cricket and says that he was sent by a spirit to help get Flora back. He walks through the house and stops at Flora’s hiding place, telling everyone that Flora is alive and is with Priscilla. Later that evening they perform a seance to try and reach Priscilla but instead they get the Butcher.

The Butcher tells Cricket that the land is hers and she needs to protect it so everyone needs to piss off. When he tries to tell her the land isn’t hers she responds by blowing out the windows in the room, to which Cricket responds by yelling croatoan and then the Butcher disappears. Oh, the Butcher is the woman in the old-timey clothing that tried to kill Shelby, and is also the woman Shelby hit with her car. Anyway, he tells the gang that the spirits have Flora, he knows how to get her back and can retrieve her for the low, low price of $25K. They call him a fraud and kick him out but before he leaves he whispers to Lee “Emily says hi and she wonders why you quit looking for her all those years.” So get this, Emily was Lee’s first daughter whom went missing years prior. Her ex-husband is dead and she’s managed to misplace two daughters, nothing suspicious about that.

The next day Lee pays Cricket a visit and offers up the cash to get Flora back. He lets her know that it won’t be that simple because this Butcher character is no joke. Here’s the story on the Butcher: apparently back in the day she was married to the governor who put her in charge while he was away and a few guys (including her own son) didn’t like it so they conspired against her and put a metal cage over her head and left her to die in the woods. Just as she’s about to get killed by a wild pig a woman appears out of nowhere, kills the pig and then gives the pigs heart to the Butcher for consumption. The Butcher eats it and turns evil. She heads back to the camp and starts killing the men who betrayed her; the ones she doesn’t kill pledge their allegiance to her and she moves the entire colony to the area in the woods that the house was eventually built on. And THAT’S why the land is hers, Cricket!

So the Scooby gang convenes in the woods and Cricket once again tries to conjure up Priscilla. Instead he gets the Butcher only this time she came with a posse. Cricket tells the Butcher that if she gives Flora back everyone will leave the property and Lee chimes in with an offer to burn the house down, which makes Shelby lose it. Lee tells Shelby that her and Matt decided on burning the house down, Shelby is about to yell at Matt but he’s conveniently disappeared. Shelby searches for him and catches him having sex with the woman who turned the Butcher evil. Shelby runs back to the house, followed later by Matt who arrives to find cop cars and and a pissed off Shelby. She questions him about the woman and he responds with “whhaaa, I don’t know what you’re talking about”. Typical. And then the cops take Lee away, Matt asks Shelby “what did you do?”, to which Shelby replies “I don’t know what you’re talking about”. (Drops the mic) The end.

American Horror Story Season: Roanoke – Chapter 2

So, did the suspense of last week’s episode keep you on edge? Did you lie awake, night after night, wondering just what was going to become of Shelby? Did she escape? Did they catch her? Worry no more because here’s what happened: She ran. That’s right, she turned around and ran, the coward. She ran and ran, right into an area of the woods where the mob – the same one that surrounded her – was now gathered around a man who they were preparing to burn alive. This man just happens to be the man we know as the pig-man. Anyway, they light the guy on fire and then Shelby is seen and another chase ensues. Shelby manages to run her way out of the woods only to nearly get run over by Lee.

Lee takes Shelby to the hospital where she tells the doctors and cops what she has just witnessed, to which they respond by drug testing her. Matt joins them at the hospital and tells Shelby, “NOW we can leave”. But now it’s Shelby’s turn to be a dumb-dumb and her response is “well even though I can’t explain what I saw and there have been numerous paranormal occurrences around the house, I think it may just be the hillbillies yanking our chain so we’re going to stay”, or she said something like that.

Back to Lee. It’s her weekend with her daughter, Flora, so her ex-husband Mason drops her off. Out of everyone in this bunch Flora-the-kid is the only one who has a look of nope on her face when she sees the house. So Flora and Lee hang out for a bit and while Lee is making her a snack, Flora runs off. Lee searches the house and finds her talking to an invisible girl named Priscilla, and by invisible girl I mean ghost, except Lee doesn’t know that yet. Flora tells Lee that Priscilla said she would make Flora a bonnet if they would help her, and then…. Crash! They locate the cause of the loud noise and Lee discovers a vase has broken and there is an 1800s looking bonnet lying next to it.

Back to Matt and Shelby who are discussing sticking it out in the house until they can sell it, when suddenly they hear something outside. They go investigate because they haven’t been tormented enough and find a pig on a cross and lots of burning meat, or probably human flesh. Once again they call the cops and the responding officer decides to have a patrol unit park in front of their home, primarily to shut them up. Later that night Matt hears the house phone ring and… yes, a house phone. It’s like a cell phone only it’s attached to a cord and it’s not mobile and it has actual buttons. Anyway, he answers it only to find it’s unplugged, and yet he can hear a woman in pain on the other end. He peers around the corner into the dining room and watches as two nurses shoot an elderly woman in the head, then begin to spell something on the wall using spray paint. Surely this is real and not at all paranormal so he runs outside to wake up the officer. The cops investigate and find nothing. NOTHING.

The next day Mason arrives at the house to pick up Flora but Flora has a fun game of hide and seek going and Lee hasn’t found her yet. So Mason and Lee search the house and find Flora in a tiny closet talking to her dead friend Priscilla. What were they talking about? Oh, Flora was just trying to offer Priscilla her doll in exchange for not killing anyone. You know, kid stuff. Unlike the others, Mason has a logical response and him and Flora get the hell out of there. As they leave he tells Lee that Flora is never going back there, which then causes Lee to fall off the wagon.

After putting his wasted sister to bed, Matt heads to the kitchen where Shelby has summoned him. She asks Matt to look out of the window to see if he can see what she sees, which is a little girl standing in their yard. They head outside to talk to her but instead of finding her, they find a cellar.

Meanwhile Lee wakes up from her drunken stupor to find the two nurses standing over her bed, staring at her. She gets up and begins looking for them but instead finds pig extremities on the wall and then sees the pig-man.

While Lee is busy losing her mind, Matt and Shelby are investigating the cellar. They find VHS tapes… yes, VHS tapes. And an old school video camera. They watch one of the tapes and the footage is of a professor named Elias who took residence in the house to write his true crime novel about the two nurses. Here’s the low down on them: the two women (who were also sisters) were nurses at a nursing home where they first began their killing spree. When staff members became suspicious the sisters opened their own nursing home (in the house) but only accepted patients based on the first letter in their name. They would then kill the patients in order of the spelling of their favorite word, MURDER. After murdering a patient they would spray paint the letter of their first name on the wall, BUT they never finished their work. Instead they vanished and after a while the bodies of their victims were eventually found by police, and after some clean up the house was put up for sale. Matt, being satisfied to know he’s not crazy and did not imagine the women, runs to the dining room, tears down the wallpaper and wouldn’t you know it, there is the nurses unfinished masterpiece. They go back to the cellar and finish watching the tape. Elias doesn’t think the sister nurses fled, he thinks something stopped them. And not for the good of mankind like Dexter.

It’s dangerous times at the “farm” house so Lee decides it’s the perfect time to kidnap Flora, which she does. Shelby calls Mason to tell him that they have Flora, then Shelby and Matt get mad at Lee, and then Flora sees her dead friend and follows her. Lee heads to the living room to say good-bye to Flora but since she’s no longer in there Lee just believes she’s playing hide-and-seek, prompting another search. The three of them search the woods and eventually Lee finds evidence that her daughter is somewhere lost in the woods: she sees her sweater hanging from a branch of an incredibly tall tree.

How she saw it up there is beyond me but she did and that’s the end of episode 2. I’m sure it’s going to start picking up in episode 3, I’m sure of it. Please, Christ.

American Horror Story Season: Roanoke – Chapter 1

Aaannnndddddd we’re back. Another season of American Horror Story. Last year I vowed to write a synopsis of every episode and I’m sticking to that; fortunately I was told that it’s only 10 episodes long so it shouldn’t be too bad. At the end of last season I mentioned that this season would be American Horror Story: Cabin Fever. Well, I was wrong. I’m not completely sure where I got that from. I thought I saw it on TV but now I think I may have conjured it up in a dream, or made it up, or I was drunk. Either way, this season is not about a cabin in the woods where people get killed; it’s about a house in the woods where people get killed.

This year the writers opted for a documentary type season, one that unfortunately resembles the Lifetime Network show My Haunted House – a show that’s actually supposed to be believable but is not. So it’s the real people telling their real story complete with a dramatic reenactment. Got it? OK then, let’s begin.

We open with a couple, Matt and Shelby, introducing themselves and discussing how they’re the worlds greatest couple, kind of how all horror shows start. They talk about how great things were until they start talking about how things became not great: while celebrating Matt’s promotion and their pregnancy news a gang of assholes walk up to Matt and punch him in the face, knocking him out. He lands in the hospital, Shelby miscarries and now they no longer feel safe in the city so they begin searching for a house in the country. While frolicking in the woods they stumble upon a vacated house that could only look more scary if it were surrounded by hanging corpses.

ahs-house

Now to me a punch in the face isn’t enough to provoke me to live in the middle of nowhere. At least in a large city someone is bound to find your body. But what do I know, I’m an introvert and live in Texas where we all have acres and guns. Anyway, the aesthetics of the house are not enough to dissuade them and they eventually go on to win a bid for the house against 3 hillbillies, paying $40K for the house and the 10 acres surrounding it. Cheap, huh? Just like the Amityville Horror house. Still, the fact that they were able to purchase the house with so much property for so little doesn’t raise any red flags.

Predictably, the first day they move in they begin experiencing the paranormal. Their experiences include hearing pig noises, banging on their door, a trash can being thrown at them, the usual. A few days after moving in Matt goes out of town on business leaving Shelby home alone. Shelby enjoys her evening doing yoga, cooking and then getting in the hot tub where she is nearly drowned by a woman wearing old-timey clothing. She calls the cops and Matt; naturally neither of them find evidence of this imaginary woman. Regardless both Matt and Shelby believe it’s the hillbillies (the Polk family) messing with them, to which the cop replies that he’ll go find them.

Matt isn’t convinced the police are going to help them, primarily because nothing came of their visit and also he woke up to a slaughtered pig on his doorstep. He has to leave to continue his business trip but before he does he installs security cameras and moves his sister, Lee (a former cop), in to help watch over things while he’s away. To make it more fun and interesting it just so happens that Lee doesn’t like Shelby, primarily because she does yoga, and the hilarity ensues! Here’s some more background info on Lee: After getting hurt in the line of duty she became hooked on pain pills and consequently lost her job, which then led to a downward spiral that caused the end of her marriage as well as caused her to lose custody of her daughter, Flora. And now she’s stuck babysitting yoga-loving Shelby in a seemingly/obviously haunted house. On top of that she’s trying to stay sober, a fact she reiterates to Shelby when she asks her not to drink in the house.

That night Lee is awoken by an empty wine bottle rolling into her room. Angry and still sober she grabs the bottle and heads downstairs to confront Shelby, then they proceed to argue just as an angry ghost mob heads for the front door. Matt, who is still out of town, gets an alert on his phone prompted by the security cameras and can see the mob coming for them. After trying to reach Shelby, who can’t hear her phone because of yelling, he calls the cops and then speeds home. FINALLY Lee and Shelby are silenced by the sound of someone entering the home. Lee leads the way to investigate and they end up in the basement where they hear a man screaming. They find a video playing and on the screen, a pig-man can be seen. That’s right, a pig-man. A man with a pig head in place of his actual head, or placed over his head. He’s got a pig head for a head. When they finally emerge they are treated to an artsy display of hanging twig dolls. Matt finally arrives, Shelby and Lee show him the video; Shelby wants to leave and Matt’s response is “well I think it’s those hillbillies just messing with us, we’ll be fine. Also, we spent all of our money buying this house soooo…..”

Shelby throws a tantrum and leaves, and then hits a pedestrian because she was fucking with her phone. She gets out, the pedestrian gets up and, rather than notice that the pedestrian looks a lot like the person who tried to drown her, runs after her into the woods. Naturally she gets lost and things only continue to go south from there; she sees more hanging stick dolls, runs, trips (of course), the ground begins to move like she’s hallucinating the end of days, the villagers surround her, and then she’s treated to the the sight of a man who is missing his scalp and is now crawling towards her. She screams and that’s the end of episode one, and my faith in this show.

I have a few predictions for this show but they’re null and void because after Googling Roanoke (I’d heard the name but forgot anything I’d ever known about it) I kind of have an idea of where this season is going. BUT, I’ll continue to keep you updated on every episode, that way you don’t have to watch it if you don’t want to. You’re welcome.

 

Teen Mom OG: The Later Years

I’ll admit, I used to be a huge fan of the show 16 And Pregnant. At 27 the show absolutely terrified me and I figured it would have the same effect on teens. Finally MTV was making a show that could possibly help society as opposed to say, The Jersey Shore. I was equally as enthralled with Teen Mom, the follow up to 16 And Pregnant, right up until Season 2 came out and I noticed that all of a sudden the girls went from struggling to pay their bills to buying new cars, houses, and were constantly going out to eat. I don’t know about you but when I was 19 I worked as a waitress, drove a ’91 POS and nights out included going to my friends house to watch Sex and the City. But I guess when you’ve agreed to share such an extreme situation, and the events that follow, with the world you’re entitled to some sort of compensation.

While Teen Mom had its unintentional comical moments, for the most part it seemed a little sad and the fact that everyone else in the world was making fun of them (please don’t act like you never laughed at Gary and his inability to wear anything but baby tees) kept me from writing about them, until now. I picked back up on Teen Mom OG and Teen Mom 2 in their previous seasons and discovered that it was no longer a show about the struggles of a teen mom but rather a show about twenty-something-year-old women and their drama, and they happen to have money. It was as though MTV made a Twilight Zone-like Sex and the City prequel to give viewers an idea of what their lives would’ve been like if they’d all got knocked up in high school and would’ve never met.

Anyway, it wasn’t their new homes, expensive cars, unlimited clothing budget or their book deals that made me decide to include Teem Mom in TV Time with Typical Jenn. Nope, it was watching Mr. Love Line himself, Dr. Drew, explain to a couple of the cast members that the reason it was important to keep Farrah Abraham on as a cast member (of Teen Mom OG) was they needed to show the struggles of being a teen mom and the extremes they go through to survive. Interesting take, especially since it isn’t true. Now, I’m aware that there are teen mothers out there who have taken to dancing in order to take care of themselves and their child, but I’d bet my car they’re not raking in $500,000 like Farrah did when she danced at an Austin gentleman’s club. That “explanation” gave me an idea of just how much money MTV is willing to throw into this franchise for the sake of ratings and an even bigger financial return, because there’s no way anyone in their right mind would believe this show is still about the hardships of being a teen mom. There are women in a far worse situation than divorced parents and being pregnant at 17, but you won’t see all of them on a talk show promoting their new book. How many 24-year-old mothers of first graders do you know who can afford to get a brand new car every couple of years? Do you remember how much money you got for losing your first tooth? I bet it wasn’t $600 like Sophia (daughter of Farrah) got.

Now, if MTV really wanted to have a profound effect on young women they would pick 4 girls from every season of 16 And Pregnant and then film them afterwards to make a new Teen Mom and show what it’s really like. Not film the same girls every year and millions of dollars later. But I get it. People are wrapped up in their drama and you want to see how it unfolds. The only problem is, from what I’ve seen so far, they’ve run out of drama. Now MTV is just filming their everyday movements. To liven it up they’ve broken the 4th wall and now you’re able to see how the cast interacts with the crew, and every so often the cast will speak directly to the camera. Yup, like they’re talking directly to you. Geddit? It’s like you’re in their living room right there with them! Not in Farrah’s, though, you can’t afford it. So, without further ado, I bring you the latest in this MTV money maker.

So here’s what’s happening on this season of Teen Mom OG:

A whole lot of nothing.

I’m serious, this show is running on fumes.

Farrah is still making money doing tons of random things, her mom is still crazy but more so now than ever, and Farrah still has her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Simon. If you watch the show you’ll notice that Farrah and Simon are practically trying not to kill each other on camera, and if you look hard enough you can almost see the producers in the background waving Simon and Farrah’s checks at them while they’re filming their scenes. At first I thought the producers were paying this guy to be Farrah’s boyfriend and conjure up something to film, now I think their goal is to make her go as insane as possible, throwing tantrums so unbelievable the season finale will include a scene reminiscent of Silence of the Lambs where she’s being taken away in a straitjacket and mussel after she’s eaten the face off a producer, thus launching its next spin off: The Dangers of Crazy featuring Farrah Abraham. That’s MTV for you, always with the spin off’s.

Maci quit her job as a radio host, is focusing on her and Taylor’s clothing line, and her big drama is she just found out she’s 5-months pregnant, and by “she just found out she’s 5-months pregnant” I mean WE just found out she’s 5-months pregnant. Her fake reaction to the news suggests that she’s known far longer than her and the show are letting on. But she needed a story line and we’re expected to go along with it even though it’s ridiculously staged, but also these are reality stars, not actors, so what do you expect. On last week’s episode we were treated to a scene of her and Taylor discussing the wedding, and if you managed to stay awake through this incredibly boring exchange you were then treated to a few equally boring scenes of her trying on wedding gowns. In fact, the only people who were excited were the saleswomen and I suspect that was only for the cameras, as the looks on their faces resembled that of one of those lunatic mothers from Toddlers and Tiaras. You know, the ones who are practically performing on stage with their 5-year-old.

Amber is still with her conman of a fiance´. Last season they began flipping houses, a business venture they appear to still be involved in, although a new viewer of the show would believe their actual employment status is “getting paid to film and not doing anything else except this isn’t going to last forever so you better develop some skills before you’re 30 and broke.” Not having a real job or plans for her future is about as dramatic as it gets for Amber. To remedy this she (or MTV) has found a man who is equally as unambitious and, SURPRISE!, has kids all over the country, far and wide. He’s the deadbeat dad version of the now cancelled Duggar’s show “19 Kids and Counting.” If you’ve watched any of Teen Mom OG, or have read the gossip sites, you know that prior to reeling in Amber he tried getting the attention of Farrah, and when that didn’t work he tried Janelle (from Teen Mom 2), and then finally settled on Amber which, in turn, landed him a paying gig as a supporting character on the show, which then prompted his baby mama’s to start coming out of the woodwork. Look, I’m no fugitive, but what I do know is if you’re on the lamb getting yourself on a reality show probably isn’t your best option when trying to lay low.  Regardless, Amber continues to deal with the stories and the continuous flow of women claiming Matt IS the father. Listen, if Amber wants to keep this going so she can have a story line and continue to not work that’s her business but if I were Matt I would quit buying Amber “I’m sorry” rings and start saving money for the impending wage garnishments. Gary (Amber’s baby daddy) is still around, and with his Amber drama put to rest his story line consists of him talking, about nothing. In fact, we’re 4 episodes in and I can only remember one scene of his because he says the same thing over and over again, “Yea, Amber and I are getting along better and I’m glad the custody agreement is settled.” That’s it. And the only person he repeatedly says this to is his wife, who could only look more bored if she were talking to two of him.

Finally we come to Catelynn and Tyler, the only 2 with a story line that has some actual substance, kind of. While Tyler is struggling a bit to find his place in the world, Catelynn is struggling with postpartum depression and has reached out for professional help. In addition, Tyler’s dad is living with them after serving his 5-year prison sentence, and the couple is also trying to work through the fact that Brandon and Theresa (the couple who adopted their first daughter) no longer want anything to do with the show. Their story line isn’t so bad, HOWEVER, I will say that watching Catelynn chew her fingernails down to the nub makes me wish she had hooks for hands. I get that it’s probably a nervous tick but dear god when she does it, which is just about all the time, I have to look away. Watching someone chew their fingernails in person is bad enough, watching someone do that on TV is 147 times worse because you can’t smack their hand out of their mouth. It’s equivalent to watching someone run their nails on a chalkboard, which Catelynn can’t do, because she’s just about chewed her fingernails down to her knuckles. In fact, I would like to see a one hour special where Dr. Drew addresses this issue and attempts to cure her. They could bring in a hypnotist to trick her into thinking that her fingernails were actually her baby’s head. She may never paint her nails again or she might fuse her hands together behind her back so she’ll never be able to look at them, but at least she’ll be cured. But based on the severity of her nail-biting issue she’d probably just take to chewing on her toenails. Now that’s entertainment.

Tonight delivers a whole new episode of nothing and as fun as it is to write about them I just can’t do this every week, it’s too boring. How boring? Well here’s what happened on the last episode (episode 4):

• Catelynn bought a $3,000 pig and Tyler got mad. Tyler’s dad dressed up as the Easter Bunny for Nova (Catelynn and Tyler’s 2nd daughter) but put the bottoms on backwards making the tail look like a penis, hilarity ensued.

• Farrah was a dick to Sophia. Farrah was a dick to Simon. Farrah is crazy.

• Amber got sick, and also got a cat.

• Maci went from not knowing she was pregnant to looking like she’s due any second. Maci plans a wedding, then she tries on dresses. And if that sentence alone was boring to read you should try watching the episode. If you asked me the tone of her story, my answer would be monotone.

And that’s it, that’s what MTV films all day long. How they manage to stay awake is beyond me so you can see why I can’t write about this every week. It’s like watching fake grass grow. It’s like one of those old time comic strips that have been around for the last 30 years but the scenario is still taking place on the same day.

So I’ll update you again when their day is over, in 3 months.

Independence Day: Unnecessary Resurgence

Sadness and all things horrific seem to be the theme of 2016. I mean really, you can’t watch the news without having to get drunk or feeling the need to take a Xanax afterwards. Every news outlet appears to be in a competition of Who Can Make The World Appear More Bleak? The only thing that rivals the news is social media. “Tom Anderson just ate 5 gallons of Neapolitan ice cream, LOLOLOLOL”; gone are the days when you could read a post like that and think ‘who cares?’ The trendy thing now is to be a depressing, politically correct know-it-all who finds the saddest news from the darkest part of the globe, adds their take on it and shoves it down all of their Internet friends’ throats, consequently invoking a war of words between other know-it-all’s, each knowing more than the other, making us all despise the evolution of social media, the Internet, and mankind. Our only escape from this reality is the couple of hours we’re in a movie theater where everyone is forced to put their phones down and shut up. And what options has Hollywood given us to escape the madness? Horrendous remakes and sequels to movies that were brilliant two decades ago, bleeding a film franchise completely dry until all that’s left is its corpse depicting our lack of creativity and inability to go out on a high note. The list of death blows to classics goes on but today I’ll be talking about the newest Independence Day, almost an exact replica of the original only this one is painful to watch.

Here’s a quick, and hopefully less painful, recap: former president Bill Pullman gets mentally invaded by the aliens and discovers their plan to attack earth – I was under the assumption that attacks came without warning but clearly the aliens are more sophisticated and polite than us humans. So Bill tries to warn the president (a woman) who, at the time of his revelation, is having a big celebration in honor of the 20 year anniversary of the defeat of the aliens. He interrupts the event only to be shooed away; then, long story short, the aliens attack. Oh! Remember the scientist from the 90’s Independence Day, the one that we thought died after the alien strangled him in order to speak through him? Well he survived, turns out he lapsed into a coma FOR 20 YEARS. And to make it more believable, upon the aliens newest attack he springs to life as though waking from a light nap. That’s correct, fully awake and ready to get back to science. He remembers everything from 20 years ago as well, and leads his scientist friends back to an alien that was captured way-back-when and has been stored at Area 51. Now, it’s not one of those aliens you understand, but a different kind. Think Glenda the Good Witch of the South in the shape of a large white globe that looks as though it was designed by Apple. So after waking the iAlien it proceeds to tell them they’ve pissed off the aliens, there’s an even bigger queen coming for them, same rules apply as last time because this is essentially the same movie, only this one could have been a straight-to-DVD. And even though we attacked and captured her for no reason, SIRI says she’ll help.

In between all of this nonsense new characters are introduced and random things happen: Vivica Fox dies (in fact her part in the movie is so small you’ll forget she was in it by the time you leave the theater), Jeff Goldblum goes to the moon (humans work up there now, FYI) and fighter pilots attack the aliens. And after some poor decision-making and failed attempts to kill the aliens the president either gets killed or leaves the planet because at one point the US General becomes president. Not to get all School House Rock on you but we need to take a step back. I’m assuming the scene that explains the need for the US General to become president happened during a restroom break because I was very confused when I saw him getting sworn in. The US General isn’t even in the order of succession – I think the janitor gets a shot at being the president before the US General does. In order for him to acquire that title it would mean that everyone died; if you were at the White House sorry, you died. So to recap: former president Bill Pullman managed to survive the White House invasion 20 years ago when there was no social media or smart phones to provide aide or warning, but the woman president dies along with her entire cabinet in an age where we know what’s happening before it happens.

Anyway, here are some more things that happened. Jeff Goldblum and a new character, a woman he used to date, discover that everyone who’s been having alien visions draws a symbol, not just any symbol, but a symbol that closely resembles the power button on Apple products. At this point the movie was starting to resemble a subliminal Apple ad. The only thing missing was the spelling of the movie: iNDEPENDENCE DAY. Next there is the need for someone to sacrifice themselves by flying into the mothership and blowing it up, so Randy Quaid Bill Pullman volunteers, and NOW all of the aliens are dead (or at least we hope so). The end. Thank Christ.

But Jenn, your recap made absolutely no sense. Yes, I know. Neither did the movie.

But Jenn, I saw the movie and that’s not exactly how it happened. You’re probably right but you have to admit that this was the gist of it.

Look, I get it, great scripts are hard to come by especially when our generations’ screenwriters are busy Instagraming photos of their work space rather than writing. But there has to be a better way, there has to be a good book that would make an incredible big screen adaptation. It doesn’t all have to be remakes, and for god’s sake leave the cheesy sequels to Sharknado.

The Affliction Known as Diet: Week 1

What began as a nutrition and fitness challenge has quickly turned into a psychological experiment. Jesus this competition or challenge or whatever the hell it is I’m doing takes a type of will power I’ve only seen in weight watchers commercials. I have failed miserably so far; way worse than I thought I would. Not even my upcoming competitions have stopped me from eating doughnut holes and drinking beer like it’s about to be outlawed. Fortunately I didn’t pay to participate so the only thing I’m losing is my self-esteem and my ability to believe in what I’m capable of.

We’re supposed to keep a daily log which I did this up until Thursday and then quit caring until today so I had to go back and update everything. Below is what I’ve accomplished in week 1 of this challenge; I’m drinking a coke while I type this.

Monday, May 9th:  And we’re off! Today is day one of the nutrition and fitness challenge that I’m unofficially participating in. So far it’s not so bad, I’m still full from binging on food and beer over the weekend so being limited on what I can eat has been a welcomed change. Also, we’re half way into day one so of course it’s not that bad, yet. Dinner is going to be difficult; we’re having chicken and nothing sets off the taste of chicken like mac and cheese. I can’t have that so I’ll be eating brown rice and vegetables sprinkled with sadness and topped off with a glass of water.

I’ve already done the working out for the day and the stretching for 10 minutes, which seemed to last longer than the 20 minute workout. I’m sure I’ll feel better physically but mentally it messes with me; 10 minutes is a long time to stretch and it makes me feel like time stands still. Which is probably why I’ve never done Yoga.

This morning I learned what the Daily Challenge is for the week: post a positive/motivational quote in WhatsApp. No, I will not. Primarily because I opted out of getting on WhatsApp and I stand by that decision. But also, and you know this if you’ve read some of my other posts, I hate that shit. Have you ever read some of those quotes? Some of them make absolutely no sense, NONE. The worst are the one’s from those Jesus accounts: “Jesus wants you to be happy”, “Jesus is always with you”, “Jesus only gives you problems you can handle”. Obviously Jesus isn’t an asshole, but I also like to believe he’s a realist and if he really had anything to do with these quotes they would say something like “if you want to move forward then quit looking for inspirational quotes on the Internet, put down your goddamn phone and get to work. Quit waiting for me to tell you that today is the day you make changes, I’m not a fortune cookie.” In fact that’s probably my motivational quote for the day. There you go, now go make things happen. That’s truly all I have in me; years of coming across these quotes on social media have done the opposite of what I think they’re supposed to accomplish. My loophole is that I just have to post daily so I can post my type of motivational quote and still get points, points that don’t count. This will be harder than the nutrition, maybe. I can’t tell because it’s only day one.

Motivational Quote of The Day: “if you want to move forward then quit looking for inspirational quotes on the Internet, put down your goddamn phone and get to work. Quit waiting for me to tell you that today is the day you make changes, I’m not a fortune cookie.” – Jesus

Anyway, this is where I’m at so far. You’re welcome for the motivation.

Tuesday, May 10th: I already lost my food points. Listen, beer just has this hold on me, OK? I’m giving it another go today.

Wednesday, May 11th: Well, I failed again – this time on nutrition AND the stupid quote. We ended up going out for dinner so that blew it for nutrition, and coming up with a motivational quote is hard when I can barely keep motivated myself. Also, there’s a half-pint of rocky road ice cream in the freezer – how am I supposed to concentrate when that is just screaming my name? I can’t even focus right now. Anyway, so far I’ve done good so my goal is to keep it going, even though I said that yesterday and before this thing started.

Thursday, May 12th: So I got my nutrition points but not the daily challenge points. I’m all sorts of failing these things. I have to go out of town this weekend and all I can think of is eating a doughnut for breakfast before I leave. I don’t think I’m cut out for this strict of a diet. I swear all I can think of right now is doughnuts. Does anyone else have this problem? I can’t be the only one who thinks like this.

Friday, May 13th – Sunday, May 15th: Well, my food points went out the window all of these days, I posted no motivational quotes, I didn’t stretch, I didn’t work out on Sunday. Also I’ve been keeping track of this all wrong. I’m supposed to write down what I eat and basically detail how I earned my points, which isn’t really that hard because I’m doing a great job not earning any. I managed to get 0 points on Sunday. ZERO! And I guarantee I’m the only one who accomplished such a feat. Oh, and in case you were wondering yes, I ate the rocky road ice cream. I’m not wasteful.

Total Points for week 1: 104 out of 210.

I almost quit this thing, unofficially because I’m not officially doing this. Then I started writing a “I Quit” paragraph and really felt like a loser, unofficially. So I decided to keep going even though this week is off to a terrible start. So check back next Monday and read all about the moment I start taking this seriously, unofficially.