Vanderpump Rules Does Adult Things

Well, we made it. After drunken fights, cheating allegations, confrontations, name calling (and that was just the bachelor/bachelorette party), we finally made it to the wedding no one thought would happen, or at least hoped it wouldn’t. You did so think that, shut up. Anyway, the wedding: it was actually quite lovely. Lisa made an excellent officiant because she’s Lisa Vanderpump and she can do anything. And if you say Tom Schwartz’s vows didn’t bring a tear to your eye you’re lying because even my black-hearted self welled up. Fortunately I had tissue; Tom Sandoval had to wipe his tears on Butter, Schwartz and Katie’s dog.

So the wedding was good and great but let’s talk about the reception, where it all really happened. First, does anyone else think Kristen should be institutionalized for continuing to wear that fake engagement ring (aside from all of the other reasons, of course). I can’t remember why she wore it before (surely not to keep from attracting anyone, because one conversation with her and her head-twitching will do it) but it’s current sole purpose is to serve as a subtle hint, directed at her boyfriend Carter, that she’s ready to get married. Except instead of looking like a hint, it’s starting to look more like a command. She takes it one step further by trying on a friend’s engagement ring, showing it to Carter, and proudly proclaiming they wear the same size ring, in case he needed to know. This must be why they’re always making out – it’s the only we he can keep her from speaking. Although, that visual is just is just as obnoxious as Kristen. Have you seen them? It’s like watching two beta fish trying to consume each other.

Nightmares. Let’s erase that visual and replace it with Stassi serving Lisa her dinner at the reception; it was the most work she had done since leaving SUR almost 4 years ago. Once she’s dismissed Sandoval joins Lisa at the table to compliment her on the extraordinary job she did officiating Schwartz and Katie’s wedding, a compliment that went over very well because she offered Sandoval the opportunity to partner with Lisa on her new restaurant.

Meanwhile, back at the wedding-party table, Schwartz has stepped away for a moment allowing all the male guests to kiss Katie (on the cheek, you perverts), per Danish tradition. In my family we do the bride/groom money dance and make us some dollars. Just something to chew on for the next cast member who ties the knot.

Anyway, it’s time to talk about the real stars of the show: the triplets. It’s speech time and triplet #1, Billy, gives a lovely, drunk speech. Listen Billy, we’ve all been there so no worries. Next, triplet #2, Bert, gives a lovely, short, not-as-drunk speech. Triplet #3, Brandon, gives no speech, but because there are three of them there must be three speeches and Billy is more than happy to deliver an encore, which he does, drunkenly referring to Tom as a pimp in the process. Just before somebody yanks him off stage with one of those cartoon hook cane’s, he wraps it up. A few more speeches are made, most of which sound more like praises for Schwartz than congratulatory speeches, and then some more things happen.

First, Jax tells Brittany that things aren’t working out between them anymore. BUT, wait for it… He’s just kidding! A funny joke for a woman who has planned her wedding since she was a child and uprooted her entire life to be with this man. Then Jax tells her that they’ll get married “one day”; an even crueler joke.

Next, Sandoval tells Ariana about Lisa’s offer, and then he cries. Then he tries to talk marriage with Ariana, and cries some more, and then they both giggle. The serious talks continue with a more in-depth conversation with Lisa regarding the partnership. As it turns out Lisa’s plan is to open a new restaurant, have Sandoval run the business side, offer Schwartz the opportunity to be the face of the restaurant, and she’s going to name it Tom Tom. Yes, Tom Tom. Suddenly, and as though he was scripted to be lurking just around the corner during the conversation – which can’t be because this is a reality show and 100% real – Schwartz pops up and joins them. Who wouldn’t want the opportunity to go in partners with Lisa Vanderpump on a restaurant that is partially named after them? The answer to that is Schwartz because the minute Lisa mentions the idea to him he says no, claiming “it’s too much pressure”. Also it would require him to work, but they don’t show him listing that as one of his reservations. Realizing she’s scared him with the mere mention of responsibility Lisa decides they should all discuss it later, and sober.

Another conversation that would’ve been best sober was the one between Ariana and Stassi. Sonoma-drunk Ariana was a barrel of laughs, but this wedding-drunk Ariana who weeps to Stassi about the struggles of trying to make something of herself and how she’s working so hard on her book and she’s doing her best? Swear to God, the minute she started boohooing about “doing the best she can” my brain immediately started playing the scene from Dane Cook’s comedy special Vicious Circle where he talks about having a good cry while repeating “I did my best. I did my best.” (If you’ve never seen it I suggest you YouTube it this second. Go on, I can wait. See?) Stassi is in heaven: she’s so desperate for Ariana to like her that she uses this opportunity to console her, attempting to prove she’s not so shitty. Then she practically does cartwheels around the venue when she discovers that her and Ariana share a common interest: they both like the idea of murder; they even create a special hashtag (#murder4lyfe) to commemorate the occasion. It was all very #thelma&louise.

It’s all love and happiness and bliss, and as the wedding comes to a close, Sandoval squawks us off with his tiny trumpet. The wedding may be over but the show doesn’t end there. Three months after Schwartz and Katie’s marriage begins, Scheana ends hers, and we all get to witness it in a very unnecessary scene, because unless you went off the grid and avoided television, social media, the internet, your phone, magazines, and people, UNLESS YOU DID ALL THAT, then you already knew they were getting divorced and why.

To be honest I’m more surprised that they showed the break-up scene than I am that they actually broke up. Shay was always a bit of background noise rather than a fixture and eventually he was just drowned out. Don’t act like you didn’t see it coming. Scheana herself gave it away by proclaiming how perfect her marriage was ad nauseam (even when no one asked), with Shay nowhere in sight to at least make it plausible. In fact he was so absent from this season I wouldn’t be surprised if he had been superimposed into the few scenes he appeared in.

Speaking of superimposed, unless that’s how this group is banded together for the show, a reunion special (a 3-parter no less) seems pointless. For Christ’s sake they work together, hang out at each other’s homes, they’re in each others weddings, they date each other, they take trips together, and based on their social media accounts it’s not just during filming. Contractual or not, every day of their lives is a reunion. It’s like the reality show version of “Friends” except half the cast is about 97% less lovable.

Still, I’ll be watching all three reunion specials; watching as they get paid to continue on with fights that happened months ago – all while I write about it, for free. Somehow I’ve become the loser in this situation.

The Celebrity Apprentice: “The End – Probably Forever”

That’s it, we’ve reached the end all in the blink of an eye, literally. And I was wrong about it not being new, they just saved the newest of the new for the end.

Within the last couple of episodes Arnold has gone on a firing spree and widdled the celebrities down to two: Matt Iseman and Boy George. The carnage began when Ricky Williams was word-blasted into oblivion by Laila Ali and Brooke Burke. Ricky Williams didn’t do too bad for himself on the show but he was so quiet I sometimes forget he was there. He was like a ghost that haunts a location at random: you’d forget he was there and then out of nowhere he would appear in the next camera shot. Anyway, next to go were Lisa and my #2 pick to make it to the finals, Carson Kressley. I almost quit watching after his departure.

We were down to the final four: Matt Iseman and Laila Ali ( Team Arete) and Boy George and Brooke Burke (Team Prima), and hilarity ensued. Let me tell you, if you thought Boy George had forgotten about the time Brooke was project manager and spent the majority of the time giggling and prancing around, then ultimately deciding to “wing” their presentation, if you thought he forgot about that you were wrong because he pretty much adopted the same attitude during the second to last task. We were treated to watching a frustrated Brooke try as hard as she could to wrangle in Boy George long enough to get a clear plan together for their presentation (promoting products from Jessica Alba’s Honest brand) – Brooke was now working with her very own Brooke. Even though their presentation was primarily improvised Boy George and his magical singing voice led his team to a victory, which then led to the best boardroom scene of the season: Laila’s argument on why she shouldn’t be fired. I still haven’t decided what my favorite part of her defense was: when she referenced her former female teammates as losers, or when she threatened to physically fight to make it to the finals – which, had that threat been carried out, would’ve made for a more interesting finale. Her argument falls flat, however; she’s terminated and sent to the choppah, surprisingly without extra security escorting her out.

But hang on, we’re not done yet. There can’t be three finalists, that would be TOO new for the New Celebrity Apprentice. The final three are brought back to the boardroom, and despite being told her 5-6 record was good (It’s not. It’s a losing record, the exact opposite of good) Brooke is finally fired.

Now that we’re down to Matt Iseman and Boy George it’s time to bring in the terminated celebrities who will make-up their new respective teams. Boy George is granted a power team that consists of Carson Kressley, Porscha Williams, and Laila Ali. Matt on the other-hand is given Carnie Wilson, Carrie the YouTuber, and Kyle Richards – the losers I believe Laila Ali was referring to.

The final task is to create an ad campaign, host a party, and deliver a 15-minute variety show, all promoting four different Carnival Cruise lines. Matt gets to work generating ideas, generating donations, working out party details, basically everything. Boy George lets Carson, Porsha and Laila take the reigns on the party and the ad campaign while he works on the variety show and does what he does best: writes and produces a couple of tunes. Aside from going diva on the producers and threatening to quit the show unless his assigned keyboard player is fired, things are running pretty smoothly for Boy George. Meanwhile Matt is trying to put together an incredible presentation while the rest of his team cackles in a van, shutting up just long enough to come up with the idea of renting animals for the party.

Just when you’ve decided that Matt’s chances of winning are being sabotaged, presentation day arrives and Matt’s fundraising efforts appear to have paid off as person after person drops off thousands upon thousands of dollars. In an attempt to drown out the sound of him losing Boy George begins to chant; panic-chanting is the technical name, I believe. Then come the performances: Matt does some comedy, talks about arthritis, and from there it’s all Wilson Phillips this and Natasha Bedingfield that (fitting since I assume performing on a cruise ship is what they’re doing these days anyway), and then some “Karma Chameleon” sprinkled in. By the way, even though Boy George sang his way to the finals and went out with “Karma Chameleon” he’s still 387 times less annoying than Debbie Gibson was during the season where she insisted on singing Only In My Dreams during every task. If you don’t believe me look it up. She’ll annoy you to the point where you’ll want to pull her through the screen and toss her back to the 80s.

And now we’re at the end, the newest new of the season: no live audience finale. No cheering, no confetti, no former cast-mates offering fake congratulatory hugs. Nothing. In fact, it was so anti-climatic that me simply writing “Matt wins!” is about 63% more exciting than the actual announcement from Arnold.

Next Season (if there is one, which there probably won’t be) I vote NBC take it one step further: rather than offer 7 episodes set on fast forward why not package an entire season into a 2-hour recap show where they begin with a shot of a cue card announcing the winner and then work their way backwards. It won’t get much newer than that.

Photo by: Luis Trinh/NBC –

The Celebrity Apprentice: “Scissors and Creativity”

So then, The Celebrity Apprentice is moving at warp speed and we’re already more than halfway through the season; not that you can tell, what with all the same tasks and same boardroom meetings and the same speeches the Governor gives about his days as a body builder and the same fights with Lisa Leslie. Samey samey same same. But it’s not, because this is The New Celebrity Apprentice. Shows how much you know.

Here’s what’s happening on Not The Same Celebrity Apprentice. Last week the women managed to dwindle themselves down to a quartet when Kyle created a less-than-impressive ad campaign for Kawasaki and was ultimately fired, er, terminated for this and her other two ideas being failures. Consequently the teams are divided and made coed: Team Arete now consist of Rick Williams, Brooke Burke, Laila Ali, Boy George, Jon Lovitz and Matt Iseman. Team Prima is now Vince Neil, Carson Kressley, Lisa Leslie, Porsha Williams, and Chael Sonnen.

Next to go is Jon Lovitz. Poor Jon, he’s had a rough go from the beginning, primarily because everyone hates his ideas. In fact, they hate his ideas so much that during the candy task (where they had to create a new candy for the Warren Buffet owned See’s Candy and then sell it) they send him away to present the final product to Mr. Buffet himself, just so he won’t interfere with the selling portion of the task. Jon blames this on the reason why he only raised $500, which is ultimately the reason for his termination, even though Ricky Williams -the project manager – fell about $200,000 short of what he pledged he could bring in. In Ricky’s defense some of his donors were in the cannabis industry so there’s a good chance no one was even awake during fundraising hours. Oh shut up, I’m joking.

Anyway, that was last week and this is this week, and this week Brooke Burke and Lisa Leslie have volunteered to lead their team in creating a publicity stunt for Lorissa’s Kitchen protein snacks. Well, Brooke doesn’t so much as lead as she does prance around and giggle like a school-girl, hoping (as she puts it) that “they’ll figure it out when they get there”. Surprisingly her let’s-hope-this-all-works-out approach works and Team Arete wins, while also setting women in the workplace back about 60 years. Lisa loses but fortunately for her Vince Neil won a shit ton of money with his win last week and ultimately votes himself off, even after Chael Sonnet tried to save him.

Chael Sonnen: he really takes the piss, doesn’t he? With his confidence and “chopping heads” remarks. Chael likes to put on a show, which he does during the reenactment of his scene where he cut a computer cord to buy his team more time to finish their Harry Potter digital brochure. I say “reenactment” because it was all a bit make-believe, which means the cameraman probably missed it when it actually happened and ordered a redo, which I’m sure Chael was more than happy to do because he was very proud of his stunt. And I say “proud” because in the boardroom he has no qualms about his stunt and believes he’s the only smart one to have found a loophole in the rules, as though he’s just cracked the code on how to properly interpret the Bible. Arnold (I’m tired of calling him Governor) is so blown away by his stupidity he doesn’t even use “you’re terminated”, and instead quickly blurts out “you’re fired”. After he composes himself he then fires Porsha for her inability to get to the point, leaving Carson Kressley and Lisa Leslie the sole survivors on Team Prima.

Like I said, warp speed. But no worries, I’m staying on top of it. I’ve even stopped blinking to ensure I don’t miss the next two episodes.

Photo by: Luis Trinh/


Sweet, Sweet Fantasy, Except Not Yours

I once had a person tell me that they only liked movies that “could actually happen” – an interesting take considering one of the objectives of a movie is to provide the audience with a momentary escape from reality. After I finished rolling my eyes a complete 360 degrees I thought “what a pretentious thing to say about entertainment.” Depending on one’s mindset any movie can happen in real life, even the animated ones. “I only like movies that can actually happen.” Pfff. Good god. Not liking a movie because it’s fiction is a bit inane; fortunately I have a fix for this ornate way of thinking: simply tune in to E! and watch Mariah’s World. It’ll make you swear off reality by episode 3. FACT.

Mariah’s World is supposed to be an 8-part docu-series (i.e. reality show, although I read an article that Miss Mariah didn’t want it to be referred to as a reality show, which is precisely what it is) that chronicles Mariah Carey’s tour preparations, the actual tour, and the planning of her wedding. What it actually looks like is a cross between her MTV Cribs episode and the movie Spinal Tap.

When watching Mariah’s World you’ll see a lot of things like a lot of people kissing Mariah’s ass, a lot of shots of Mariah Carey posing and blowing kisses at the camera, a lot of Mariah Carey lip-singing like she’s constantly filming a music video, a lot of staged scenes, a lot of shots of Mariah’s cleavage, and a lot of mirrors. Tons of mirrors; in fact, the show should be called “Mariah’s World as Told By Her Reflection.” Half of each episode contains scenes where she’s speaking to somebody while staring in a mirror – not staring at the person she’s talking to, but staring at herself. I’m surprised there hasn’t been a scene where she gets so caught up in her own reflection she stops talking and the next 5 minutes is nothing but awkward silence while she longingly gazes into the mirror. The editors probably took that scene out, the cowards.

In addition to things you’ll also see people, people like Stella, Mariah’s no-nonsense manager who yells at people all day and could make any hardcore feminist revert. The turnover rate in Mariah’s fantasy land has been pretty high since Stella’s arrival, so high in fact that she’s run out of people and has hired her 12-year-old daughter to be Mariah’s social media manager (i.e. she posts on Facebook and Instagram all day). So if your job title has social media anything in it, it may be time to find an actual career. Anyway, everyone hates Stella which means she’s probably more likely to stick around.

Then there’s her creative director Anthony who was only recently promoted to the position, probably because Stella has gone through the alphabet of creative directors and she’s back at the beginning. There’s her back-up singer Mary Ann whose sole purpose on the show, other than performing with Mariah, appears to be providing a dramatic story-line in which she remains angry at Anthony for an entire 7 episodes all because he didn’t want her 5-year-old on the bus with the dancers.

The rest of the people include her make-up artist Christopher Kristofer, Danielle the hair stylist, Tanaka the dancer/Mariah’s boy toy, a bunch of filler people, and then there’s Molly. Molly, who was hired to be Stella’s tour assistant, is a cross between Phoebe from Friends and an adult coloring book, she means well but is just a bit ridiculous. Now, I have no proof of this but I’m pretty sure Molly was brought in so that the show would be more than just Mariah drunkenly posing and staring seductively at the camera. Every 2 minutes I felt like I was watching Mariah Carey do her very best impression of Mariah Carey. Anyway, things start to pick up when Mariah begins a flirtatious relationship with Tanaka, rendering Molly obsolete, thus she is fired. Also, because she annoyed Stella.

A few other things happen in Mariah’s World. Like all reality shows Mariah does the standard personal interviews, however hers look as though she’s reading an incredibly slow moving teleprompter that rotates one word at a time. Then there’s dancing: dancing during her shows, dancing in the bars, dancing in between segments, dancing, dancing, dancing, like a goddamn musical. Some more things happen like her birthday, except instead of calling them birthdays she calls them anniversaries. And instead of celebrating her actual age (47) she celebrates the age she decides to be that year – this year she’s decided to turn 14, fitting since it’s precisely the age she acts.Then her billionaire fiance shows up and we’re all treated to an awkward scene where Tanaka, who broke his leg dancing with Mariah and is no longer performing in her show, watches Mariah drunkenly tells James how wonderful he is and how much she loves him, all while staring at her reflection in his eyeballs. But wait! Don’t pour one out for Tanaka just yet because from one episode to the next Mariah and her fiance are having problems and she’s giving lap dances to Tanaka.

It’s all very fascinating, isn’t it?

Speaking of fascinating, did anyone else want a copy of the portrait Tom Sandoval made Jax for his birthday? There were a couple of birthdays celebrated on Vanderpump Rules last night. First there was Tom Sandoval who celebrated his birthday by turning his party into a “fund-rager” and raising money for Project Elev8, a non-profit that focuses on raising the standard of Haitian education. Next up: Jax, who celebrated his birthday by being roasted by all of his friends. Even his girlfriend gets in on the fun, although she does recruit Kristen to help her write jokes because, as she puts it, “I’m not a comedian.” Funny, neither is Kristen. Yes, Kristen is still trying to convince the world that she’s more funny than crazy by doing skits at local comedy venues, and last night she tried convincing us she’s funny by hosting Jax’s roast. The timing of Jax’s roast was perfect as Brittany’s mom, Sherri, was in town and got to witness the entire group individually take the platform and recant fun Jax stories that highlighted his binge drinking, drug use, cheating scandals, and gay rumors. Katie did her bit, channeling her inner Sam Kinison as she growled/yelled her punch lines. Scheana made fun of all of his botched attempts at various words and sayings. And out of everything Brittany’s mom heard Jax was blown away that what bothered her most were the gay rumors. And for the first time in the shows history, Jax actually makes sense.

The Celebrity Apprentice: “Fire Up That Chopper”

In my last Celebrity Apprentice article I mentioned that I was once in marketing; what I didn’t mention was how much I hated it, although I didn’t realize it at the time. I always figured it was stress that made me pray on a daily basis for a meteor to strike the earth. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago when I left the marketing field and accepted a graphic design job that I realized how misanthropic I am. I work with only one other person in the office and I only talk to clients about 3% of the time I’m there. It’s quite the delight.

Anyway, marketing. Pfff. A job where you practically beg people to like whatever it is the company is peddling. And don’t even get me started on people who claim to be self-employed as “social media marketers” – that’s just another way of saying you sit at home and play on Facebook all day, which is another way of saying you’re unemployed. Marketers are the panhandlers of the business world: it’s all begging and pretending. Of course, this is all merely my opinion, one that is keeping me away from competing on the show. I must’ve forgotten for a minute that the tasks on The Celebrity Apprentice are all based around marketing; I don’t know what compelled me to want to be on the show. I’m quitting before I even start. Sorry, you’ll just have to find another hero next season.

So it’s episode 2 and the first task is to create an 8 – 10 minute interactive presentation that convinces people Welch’s Grape Juice is healthy and good for you. Chael Sonnen takes lead on this task (appointing Ricky Williams as his right-hand man) while Laila Ali – who is currently in school for nutrition – volunteers as project manager for the women. Laila has succeeded in this competition using her presence alone, but come time to be in charge she rules those women with an iron fist.  Laila is about as delightful as a colonoscopy, and as serious as one: she’s no nonsense, no joking and there will be no fun to be had if she has anything to say about it. BUT she does manage to get the women to focus long enough to come up with their presentation, which consists of a talk show and a cooking segment – sans any humor, of course.

Chael Sonnen on the other hand enjoys entertaining. (Watch some of his interviews if you don’t believe me) The men’s presentation consists of a talk show featuring Carson Kressley and Matt Iseman who plays a doctor (fun fact: he was a physician before he began doing stand-up), Eric Dickerson hosting an exercise segment, Ricky Williams making snacks using the grape juice, Jon Lovitz doing stand-up, and Vince Neil and Boy George opening the presentation with a jingle. While the men’s presentation may have been more engaging, Ricky Williams is concerned they may not have touched enough on the nutritional facts, which is probably best since the 2nd main ingredient is sugar.

The women may not have been allowed to have fun with their presentation, and even though Lisa Leslie interrupted Porsha Williams’ segment, the women’s presentation won over the suits resulting in their first win. Chael Sonnen is now tasked with picking two people to join him in the boardroom; he decides on Ricky Williams and Eric Dickerson. Chael reasons that Ricky should be fired because he wasn’t fully on-board with the presentation, and as Chael’s right-hand man Chael found this deceptive. The Governor isn’t convinced so he switches gears and uses Eric’s own words against him by playing on Eric’s comment that he was OK being fired. And with that, Eric is terminated.

Next task: create two viral videos for King Hawaiian’s new brand of BBQ sauce. For this task the Governor solicits the council of iJustine – a YouTube celebrity. Being an expert iJustine offers up come advice for the teams: “make a video that you would want to share.” Right then. Now that the teams are knowledgeable on what makes a video go viral they pick their project managers. Matt Iseman volunteers for the men while Snooki volunteers for the women. Both teams have a rough go: Jon Lovitz gets upset that nobody likes his idea, then when it comes to filming Boy George throws a fit because he’s standing in the heat doing nothing, then Carson films his scene in which he tackles Ricky Williams, injuring himself in the process.

The women aren’t doing any better. Snooki can’t control the room, and when it comes to filming the only video that has any structure is Laila’s – this is made obvious when they show the videos and the majority of Kyle’s video features Porsha dragging Kyle around on the floor while a siren plays in the background. I’m not joking, Google it. I’m no “social media marketer” but it wasn’t hard to figure out that the women blew it.

Back in the boardroom Porsha blames Lisa for not getting the shots they needed, with Laila tag-teaming to throw Lisa under the bus, to which Lisa replies with her trademark statement: “I’m a team player.” This automatically makes her the new Lou Ferrigno; she’s replaced his weekly affirmation of “I always give 110%” with “I’m a team player”. Snooki brings back Lisa and Porsha, Porsha talks her way out of a firing and tries to convince the Governor that Lisa should be fired. And then PLOT TWIST: when asked who should be fired Snooki volunteers herself because she doesn’t feel she’s cut out for the show.

The women are dropping like flies which means it’s only a matter of time (i.e. one more firing) before they start mixing up the teams. What I’d like to see is the producers start mixing up that tasks. This can’t all be videos and presentations. What happened to the tasks where they have to beg people to try their product and give them money? You know, like a real marketer.

Photo by: Luis Trinh/

The New Celebrity Apprentice

A hundred years ago when I worked in marketing I had a dream of competing on The Apprentice, but before I had the chance to apply for a spot the show was converted to The Celebrity Apprentice, making it just a tad bit more difficult to get on. No matter, I trudged on. My dream took another hit when the host and creator of the show, Donald Trump, decided to run for president AND THEN FUCKING WON. I’d lost all hope, but just as I was about to light the match and watch my dream go up in flames NBC interrupted me with a commercial promoting The New Celebrity Apprentice. Assuming I manage to reach some sort of celebrity status (which I won’t) before the show is completely cancelled (which I’m sure it will be) I still may have a shot (which I don’t).

So what’s so different about The New Celebrity Apprentice? Well let’s see. For starters there’s a new host: Arnold Schwarzenegger, er, Governor Schwarzenegger – the contestants are expected to call him this which is pretty demanding considering his approval rating was a record low of 23%. But that’s not the point. The point is he’s the new host/boss, and whereas Trump recruited his children and celebrity guests to serve as his advisors, Schwarzenegger recruited his nephew and celebrity guests to serve as his advisors. You see? Different.

With The New Celebrity Apprentice comes a new cast complete with athletes, musicians, reality TV stars and a YouTube Celebrity. The men’s team (Team Arete) includes 80’s pop star Boy George; comedian Jon Lovitz and his dog, Jerry Bruckheimer; former UFC fighter Chael Sonnen;  Mötley Crüe front-man Vince Neil; former football star Ricky Williams; American Ninja Warrior host Matt Iseman; Carson Kressley from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy; and former football star Eric Dickerson. The women’s team (Team Prima) consists of Kyle Richards from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills; Carnie Wilson of Wilson Phillips; former model and host of some sort, Brooke Burke; Snooki, who is best known for appearing on the Jersey Shore; 4-time undefeated boxing world champion Laila Ali; Porsha Williams from Real Housewives of Atlanta; Olympian and former basketball star Lisa Leslie; and one of the first YouTube celebrities ever created, Carrie Keagan.

Now that we’ve met the new cast let’s talk about what else is new: The Boardroom. I mean look, they still go into the boardroom and face the boss and his advisors, and then they get asked how they think they did and then smacked back down to reality by being told how they actually did. And sure, when one team wins they go back and drink champagne and watch the losing team get questioned on what went wrong, and then the losers all blame each other, and then the project manager brings back two people, and then they fight about who did the least, and then someone gets fired. But THIS boardroom is located at Schwarzenegger, LLC headquarters in Los Angeles as opposed to Trump Tower in New York.

Currently the women are off to a bad start. The first assigned task is to host a 10-minute presentation promoting Tyra Banks’ new make-up line. Simple enough yet they manage to botch the presentation by not utilizing their own celebrity as well as beginning it with all of the women confused about what their jobs are and ending it with everyone else confused as to why Carnie Wilson is screaming into a microphone. Porsha, who served as the project manager for the losing team, brings back Carrie from YouTube and Snooki from Jersey Shore, then manages to talk her way out of being fired, thus resulting in the first YouTube celebrity to be the first fired. The next task is to create a commercial for Trident that features a variety of smiles. Not too complicated yet Team Prima goes on to blow it by creating an ad that featured none of what the executives wanted, a fact Lisa Leslie points out during the planning phase and again in the boardroom, which leads to her becoming enemy #1. Fortunately for Lisa the suits hated the concept which happened to be Kyle’s idea. Unfortunately for Carnie, who happened to be the project manager, she failed to bring back Kyle, a decision Arnold, I mean Governor, did not agree with, resulting in Carnie’s departure. And not a moment too soon, her over-animated expressions were very nails-on-a-chalkboard. I had to stop myself grinding my teeth during her scenes; had she not have been fired I would’ve needed dentures halfway through episode 2.

Now for the grand finale, the BIG new aspect of The New Celebrity Apprentice: The Catchphrase. Along with Donald Trump went his catchphrase “You’re Fired”, leaving many of us (or probably no one) to wonder what the new catchphrase would be. Well wait no more because it’s exactly what you thought it would be (or maybe you didn’t, who cares): “You’re Terminated”. I bet you thought he was going to say “Asta la vista, baby”, hahahahaha. Well he said that, too. He also said “Get to the choppuh”, which the loser does, and then they’re pretend flown away along with the last of the new.

Unlike the women’s team who spent the entire first episode losing, the men’s team seem a bit more together. They also appear to get along quite well, with their only major tiff so far being Boy George getting upset with Vince Neil for drinking while working. It’s only been one episode but I think I’ve seen enough to make my pick to win, or at the very least make it to the finals: American Ninja Warrior host Matt Iseman. He may arguably be the lesser known of the male celebrities but if past seasons are anything to go by (which they’re not because they’re the old Celebrity Apprentice) then a win could possibly land him his own talk show (which it won’t because this is the New Celebrity Apprentice, light-years different from the old one).

On the next New Celebrity Apprentice there will be more tasks, teammates will argue, they’ll all go back to the boardroom, one team will lose and then someone will get fired. Not like the old Celebrity Apprentice. It’s not.

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So Far on Vanderpump Rules….

Our world is a huge piece of piss. After fighting it as long as I could I’ve had to accept the fact that because of a technicality (that technicality being my birth year) I am considered a Millennial. The word alone is so obnoxious it’s enough to make me close my eyes and will a nuclear holocaust. Currently I am the human equivalent of the pained face emoji, which is something a Millennial would say, thus making this even worse. Listen to me, I’m being very whiny – another characteristic of a Millennial. Millennials aren’t ALL bad, I suppose, just don’t go trying to prove that statement correct by watching Vanderpump Rules, because you won’t find the proof there. The majority of the cast embodies just about every stereotype that drive people to hate Milliennials, and yet, I can’t quit watching it. I hate myself.

I’m not really that hateful of Millennials (me included, sometimes), just the one’s that make us look bad – like Stassi. Last season I called Stassi a satanic wizard, and I’m sticking by that. Don’t let Katie’s reign of terror fool you; Stassi is the one pulling those strings. When she’s not trying to find more evidence that Lala is dating a married man (we’ll get there) or hovering over Katie, subliminally telling her what to think, she’s working on her podcast and hanging out at SUR – like that person who still hangs out at the high school even though they’ve graduated. Stassi has a weird obsession with Katie, spending every waking moment proving her allegiance (even when it makes her look like a complete idiot) while using her to spread her evil. This year she’s joined the fight against Lala, however, I’m convinced she’s waging her own war against Scheana. Last year Scheana was worried that her and Katie would no longer be friends now that Stassi was back in the picture and even though I mocked her it turns out she may have been on to something. After Scheana decides she no longer wants to take part in the war on Lala and apologizes to her for spreading any rumors that may have been untrue, Katie, Kristen and Stassi go after her, with Stassi leading the charge. At one point everyone is enjoying Shay (Sheana’s husband) and Carter’s (Kristen’s boyfriend) “surprise” birthday party and when the girls (minus Scheana) get drunk they decide it’s the perfect time to berate her about her actions. My favorite scene is when Stassi is talking to Ariana and Scheana and they keep their cool which flusters Stassi causing her to run into the bathroom and drunkenly collapse on the floor in a dramatic set of tears, wailing to Katie that she was trying to defend her but Ariana and Scheana suck. Like I said, complete idiot. She’s so terrible, in fact, that when her mother and 11-year-old brother comes to visit HE has to tell her to mind her own business.

Katie is no better. Last year Katie decided she hated Lala when Lala went swimming, topless, in front of the guys, including Schwartz. This year Lala retaliated by mocking Katie’s weight and expressing her desire to have sex with Schwartz. And now. It’s. On. It’s not enough that Katie hate her, though, she needs everyone else to hate her too – a Katie trait that Schwartz can’t stand. But Katie is unstoppable. When she begins to run low on asshole she strokes her hair and is powered back up, ready to drunkenly yell at Schwartz for having the nerve to be reasonable about their wedding, prompting him to visit their therapist without her. Schwartz makes the mistake of telling Katie about his visit to the therapist (as well as what was discussed) after she’s had a few glasses of wine, which prompts her to make him fell guilty about it, and then she goes to the kitchen and somberly eats lettuce. Just lettuce. And as if her personality isn’t bad enough, Katie participates in the act of adult coloring with those stupid adult coloring books.

I’m not even sure where to start with Scheana. Scheana is a bit too follow-the-crowd for me: she used to just overuse popular catchphrases and words but she’s taken it up a notch – about 17 notches to be exact. (This year her favorite word to say is “literally”. Example: the day of the Orlando shootings she opted out of going to work with her excuse being she was “literally sad”. Do you mean as opposed to figuratively?) I’ve never seen someone so desperate to belong to a group before. Do the producers give out bonuses if you can stand Katie, Kristen and Stassi for more than 5-minutes? Is this some sort of Survivor challenge? Scheana has become the panhandler of the group, begging for their friendship. She’s one Katie-scolding away from standing outside her apartment holding a cardboard sign that reads: Will Sing and Dance for your Approval. Scheana has done everything the girls have wanted her to do when it comes to Lala, a fact she admits and also realizes isn’t really getting her anywhere. She might just be hanging on to her last shred of dignity, though. At the time of writing she is currently in a fight with the girls because she no longer wants to waste her time fighting with Lala, and is finally starting to see these girls for what they are: colossal assholes. Her awakening can’t come soon enough; every time she talks about her dilemmas it takes everything I have not to punch myself in the eardrums.

Here’s what Kristen is up to:

– She’s a vegan with a website

– She’s still dating Carter

– She’s fighting with everyone Katie is fighting with

That’s it. She doesn’t work at SUR anymore so her storyline is pretty much parallel to Katie’s and Stassi’s. She did have one good scene where she described her relationship with Jax as “step brother/step sister who may have slept together twice”. Lovely.

Speaking of Jax, did you know that he can predict the future like that guy who predicted the end of the world, Gandhi? Yes, Jax actually said this. He even repeated it during his interview with producers. Other than gems like that this season, so far, he’s spread gossip about his girlfriend Brittany, claiming that Kristen gave her a downstairs hello, he continued to fight with James, he had to have surgery to remove tissue from his chest that formed because of his steroid use, and he’s having a blast perpetuating the fight between Kristen, Katie and Stassi (KKS for short or this article will go on forever) and Scheana. His girlfriend Brittany fairs much better than him amongst their group. Brittany has become everyone’s confidant and does it with a smile on her face, always reserving judgement. I for one am not convinced that she’s this happy listening to all of their bullshit. For Christ’s sake there are moments where I find myself screaming at the television, but not Brittany. She keeps a smile on her face and is there for them. I predict that she eventually snaps like Ned Flanders in that episode of The Simpsons where a tornado rips through the town and only his house is destroyed, and after a failed attempt by the town to rebuild it he loses his mind on everyone and checks himself into a mental hospital. Like Kanye without the natural disaster. It’s only a matter of time before she starts ripping peoples heads off and putting them on sticks. I vote she goes for Katie first.

Speaking of chopping heads, James had his done by Lisa. Yes, the DJ has finally been fired from SUR and PUMP and now we get to see less of him. He’s managed to find work at another bar and has also managed to find a girlfriend who can stand him, primarily because it’s a long distance relationship and she only sees him when she’s on break from school. James is in love with Raquel, beaming as he explains that him and the pageant contestant have a lot in common, for example, they like to eat food. That’s pretty much their license to get married if you ask me. Ariana and Sandoval maintain a friendship with him as well as Lala, which doesn’t sit well with KKS. Why? Because they believe she’s dating a married man. Is she? Who the hell knows. She’s yet to reveal who her new boyfriend is and she keeps showing up with expensive gifts (i.e. her Range Rover) which leads the girls to believe that the rumors are true. Here’s what I do know: she’s supposed to be quitting the show which I’m OK with only because I’m sick of looking at her facial expressions. It’s as though someone is controlling pieces of her face and hits a button at random times as a joke.

And then there’s Tom 2, AKA Schwartz. How he’s continued to put up with Katie is still unknown to me; every time he voices his concerns about the wedding, or Katie yells at him, I join the nation in collectively giving him a hug. Schwartz’s entire storyline consists of him being a big ball of nerves; it’s almost depressing to watch.

Stay tuned for next week where someone will get in a fight while Brittany continues to smile like the Joker.

American Horror Story: Roanoke – THE FINALE

Son of a bitch…. Let’s just get started.

We kick off the episode with a pretend guest panel featuring the cast and the actual victims of the Roanoke fiasco. All of the actors are assholes, fake-Butcher is just starting her crazy and everyone is famous and preparing for the second season. And then after the second season we are treated to some YouTube videos with a Lee super fan talking about Lee going to court for killing a bunch of people and then another YouTube video of Lott (the surviving Polk member and I think that’s his name) talking about how he’s going to kill Lee for killing his family. Fine.

So then we get to see another pretend show called Crack’d (AKA Snapped) featuring the story of Lee. It basically talks about her life before the murders (except they don’t mention her first daughter Emily so already it doesn’t make sense) and then they talk about all of her acquittals and now she’s free and everyone is dead and Flora hates her. So she decides to do the Lana Winters show; THE Lana Winters from AHS season 2 who has come out of retirement specifically to talk to Lee. It starts out all sweet and then Lana lays into her. Lee isn’t there to answer questions about how and why she murdered people, she’s there to deliver a message on camera to Flora: she loves her and she’ll never give up. Lana’s response is basically “cut the shit, where is she?” Lee says she doesn’t know what she’s talking about and then tries to leave to go find Flora BUT THEN we hear gun shots and it’s crazy Lott (again, I think that’s his name) coming for Lee. He walks into the interview room and is about to shoot when Lana starts to talk him off the ledge, to which he responds by hitting her in the face with the assault rifle. And just when he’s about to shoot Lee someone shoots Lott and that’s the end of the Polk family, kind of. The sons are still with CPS, I think, I don’t know because AHS abandoned that one, too.

It’s 2 weeks later and Lee is still searching for Flora. Meanwhile we’re in the blood moon cycle. How do I know? Because some idiots from a pretend ghost hunters show are there to search for ghosts and they have a special guest with them: the man who played Cricket on the show and I’m just going to keep calling him Cricket. Oh, and it’s important to mention that when they tried to get permission to film at the house they were told to STAY THE FUCK OFF THE PROPERTY EVERYONE DIES. But since the first season of Roanoke Nightmare was so huge everyone with a hair on their ass wants to try and get famous by doing their own Roanoke reality show, so they decide to trespass and do the show anyway. So they’re searching the house when the head ghost hunter sees something outside. They start to head to the door but before they turn the corner they’re surprised by….. Lee! She’s searching for Flora and knows she’s at the house with Priscilla. How Flora got there is beyond me. Lee tells the ghost hunters to get the hell out because they’re going to die but nope, they stay there, and die. The pig-man kills Cricket (who thought he could stop him by yelling croatoan, like an idiot), the Chen’s kill one of the ghost hunters, the Butcher kills the other ghost hunter and the cameraman, and the head ghost hunter and 2 police officers (I don’t know who called them or why they’re there when we already know they were in cahoots with the whole thing) get lit up with arrows that look like they came from the blood moon itself.

No wait, it gets more ridiculous. It’s the next day and now the house is surrounded by police officers AND the media because they’ve gotten wind that Lee is holding Flora hostage. In reality it’s Flora who is being a jerk and won’t leave because she wants to become a ghost and stay with Priscilla. Why? Because she needs to protect Priscilla from the Butcher, which again doesn’t make sense. Lee wants her to live her life so she offers to become a ghost mom and stay with Priscilla, to which Priscilla and Flora agree. Let’s make this quick: Lee gives Priscilla a gun, Priscilla kills Lee, the house is set on fire, Flora walks out to the cops, and as they drive away she waves good-bye to dead-Lee and Priscilla, who is also the only character that the make-up artists could’ve given 2 shits about because her make-up looks like she’s dressed up for Halloween and she had to do her ghost make-up herself. Oh, and then here comes the villagers and it’s the last night of the blood moon and they’re going to kill all the cops and media?

So then is Flora just a dick and was actually recruited by the Butcher and she arranged this whole thing so the Butcher could have a shit ton of sacrifices? And why would Flora need to protect Priscilla from the Butcher when Priscilla is already dead and has survived, er, not died more than once for centuries? Also, how did Mason get strung up and end up charbroiled if Lee killed him with a rock? There’s no way she was able to hoist him up there. So dead-Lee came back in a matter of mere moments, where were the rest of the cast that got killed there? Where are their ghosts? And who set the house on fire, ghost-Lee or Flora? AND WHAT ABOUT EMILY?

Why, why does this show keep coming up short? Writers of AHS, why do you have to write the ending in 15 minutes or less? Instead of giving away a car next season you should host a contest that allows an amateur writer to write the ending. Or the whole season. Have a contest where you replace the entire writing staff. Jerks.

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American Horror Story: Roanoke – Chapter 9

Holy Jesus on a stick! First, if you’re reading my American Horror Story posts, I thank you. But I do have to say, for Christ sake watch it. Or keep reading my posts and then watch it, either way. But watch it.

We begin with 3 kids searching for the Roanoke house during the blood moon while filming their excursion. While talking about their pictures and videos going viral they see a woman stumbling around, lost and bleeding. They follow her to help her and are led to a wrecked car; it’s Diana’s car with her body in it! They call the cops and the cops don’t find a body or believe the kids, just like in Scooby Doo.

Back in grown up land fake-Shelby and real-Lee are giving Dillon the low down on the house. So Sydney paid Dillon to dress up as the pig-man to scare everyone, but fake-Shelby lets him know they’re plenty scared already because the Roanoke story is real and everyone is dead. They give him a tour of the house, particularly of all the dead bodies. Real-Shelby tells Dillon that fake-Lee is still out there so Dillon, who was in the military, heads out to go find her with fake-Shelby and real-Lee behind him. They make it to the Polk’s farm and Dillon comes up with a plan: he’s going to get the Polk’s truck while fake-Shelby and real-Lee go find fake-Lee. Real-Lee has another plan: Fake-Shelby can go rescue fake-Lee while she retrieves the tapes, to which fake-Shelby responds “OK but I’m not fucking around, if we’re in that truck and you’re not we’re leaving you.”

Ready… Break! Real-Lee heads into the barn she was held captive in while fake-Shelby heads to the barn where she was held captive at. Fake-Shelby finds fake-Lee and rescues her; as they’re headed out, in walks Ishmel (Polk son). He’s a little peeved that they killed Mama Polk and starts to go on and on about how he’s going to kill them and he’s going to kill them slowly and everyone will die and then fake-Shelby responds with a gun shot to the head! It turns out fake-Shelby isn’t so bad after all. Meanwhile real-Lee retrieves her precious confession. The truck starts and fake-Shelby and fake-Lee book it to the truck; unfortunately the last Polk boy gets to Dillon and the truck before the women do and stabs Dillon, then freaks the fuck out when he sees the ghost mob, gets in the truck and leaves. Fake-Shelby and fake-Lee manage to make it back to the house. Fake-Shelby is convinced that real-Lee is dead because, as she explains it, real-Lee would’ve never left the tapes that implicate them in the murder of the Polk family. Fake-Lee decides to watch the tape to see what’s on it and there it is, REAL-LEE’S CONFESSION! ANNDDDD, while they’re watching the tape we’re shown scenes of real-Lee crawling to get away from something. That something is the Witch, and the Witch kills a pig, feeds the heart to real-Lee and real-Lee is now evil. Meanwhile fake-Shelby and fake-Lee go into fake-Shelby’s room and start drinking and bullshitting, preparing for the final night of the blood moon.

Don’t worry, the kids’ plot line isn’t over. They’re still in the woods looking for the house, at night, under the blood moon. They see someone standing in the woods; it’s real-Lee, only not real-Lee. Todd (one of the kids) walks over to her and starts to gush like a super fan to which real-Lee (AKA new Butcher, I guess?) responds by killing him with her new butcher knife. The other 2 get out of there and find themselves at the production trailer, where they’re met by a still alive Dillon, only they’re scared and push Dillon away and lock themselves in the trailer. They’re watching the monitors and can see real, evil-Lee heading to the house so they decide to head to the house and try and save fake-Shelby and fake-Lee. I think you have an idea how this turned out.

Back in fake-Shelby’s room fake-Shelby and fake-Lee are discussing real-Lee when they hear something outside the room; they walk outside and there she is, possessed-Lee. Fake-Lee starts laying into her about how she knows she’s a murderer and she ain’t scared of her… and then possessed-Lee pushes fake-Lee from the top of the stairs and fake-Lee is impaled and eventually dies. Fake-Shelby manages to fight her off and escape. She heads to the cellar where possessed-Lee catches up with her, slashes her and then kicks her into the cellar and shuts the door.

The remaining 2 kids have made it to the house and are hiding in the bushes watching the Butcher disembowel Dillon. They turn to run but possessed-Lee is right behind them and captures them. They get to die the grossest death. Yea, worse than Dillon. They both get impaled on a piece of wood from their backside, are stood up and burned alive.

It’s the next day and the cops finally arrive only to find corpses all over the place. They find real-Lee, still alive and done being possessed, and she freaks out when she sees them. They help her to the cop car, sit her down, and from a distance the cellar door is seen opening. The cops run over to the cellar and fake-Shelby has survived; she crawls out and one of the cops grab her and they start walking to the cop car. Real-Lee is happy to see her but fake-Shelby knows what’s up. She yells at real-Lee calling her a murderer, grabs the cops gun, aims it at real-Lee and…… THE COPS SHOOT FAKE-SHELBY! The final line being “the suspect is down.”

So it appears as though I misjudged real-Lee, turns out she’s a real mother fucker. How big of a mother fucker? We’ll find out next week on the season finale. I’m trying not to get my hopes up because the last episode is usually the one where I get tricked and I whine about it until the next season.


American Horror Story: Roanoke – Chapter 8

This show is really starting to kill them off which makes for a good game of Who’s Next? Let’s start with fake-Matt and real-Shelby: they’re freaking out about the real-Butcher and decide to try and escape going through the tunnel. They don’t get far because the spider-like Chen’s start chasing them. They head back into the house where they’re met by the pig-man and the nurses, and even though a chandelier falls and hits real-Shelby in the ankle, they manage to escape and make it to fake-Shelby’s room. They go into the bathroom and real-Shelby has lost all hope. Fake-Matt is trying to comfort her and convince her that they’re going to make it out, but with real-Matt real dead real-Shelby doesn’t feel as though there’s anything left for her and so she SLITS HER OWN THROAT!

Back to real-Lee who is slowly being eaten alive by Mama Polk and her son Jetherd or Jether, I don’t know, some hillbilly name like that. Real-Lee tries to scare her by saying she’ll get caught and Mama Polk is like “lol, we’re in cahoots with the cops”, just as real-Lee suspected. Mama Polk leaves and real-Lee and Jetherd get to talking; he offers her some cocaine because she’s going to get cut some more and she accepts because what’s the point of being sober now. Before she gets cut up some more she tells Jetherd she wants to see her daughter and has him pull a picture of Flora out of her back pocket. She then requests to talk to her so Jetherd records her final message to Flora, which includes the usual: I love you, a few positive affirmations, and that SHE KILLED MASON! It’s just one bombshell after another in this episode. Then she pretends to seduce Jetherd so he unties her, then she kills him and escapes.While she used her smarts to get out, fake-Lee and fake-Shelby are being fucked with by Mama Polk and her other boys and all fake-Lee and fake-Shelby can do is cry and beg for mercy. You’re not going to get that from the Polk’s; instead you’ll get your teeth taken which is what they plan to do to fake-Lee and fake-Shelby. They start with fake-Lee but the pliers and the chair she is tied to breaks so while one of the Polk brothers leaves to grab another pair of pliers, the other Polk stands up fake-Lee who whips his ass. She then tries to untie fake-Shelby but can hear Mama Polk coming back so she leaves. Mama Polk sends her son to go get fake-Lee and then takes fake-Shelby’s tooth. Mama Polk is about to take another tooth when real-Lee comes in and clubs her, and real-Shelby finishes the job and bashes her head in. Bashed in heads is very trendy on this season of American Horror Story.

Anyway, they make it back to the house through the tunnel and real-Lee finds real-Matt’s real dead body. Fake-Shelby convinces her to keep moving and they make it to fake-Shelby’s room where she has some meds for real-Lee. Fake-Shelby goes into the bathroom where she sees real dead real-Shelby and real-Lee joins her in the bathroom. Fake-Matt tells them what happened with real-Shelby and real-Matt, which they don’t believe so they kick him out of the room. Fake-Matt finally gets his comeuppance when real pig-man kills him. Fake-Shelby and real-Lee survive the night. Real-Lee wants to go back to the Polk farm to retrieve the tape that recorded the killings, but also to get back her recorded confession. They head to the front door, open it and there’s the pig-man. Fake-Shelby clubs him and it turns out it’s not the pig-man, it’s someone named Dillon. WHO IS DILLON? WHO IS GOING TO SURVIVE? WHERE IS FAKE-LEE? DID SHE LIVE? I don’t know, we have to wait for Wednesday. This may have seemed like a short episode but there was mainly a lot of talking before killings and tooth-taking and such. Also, I’ve decided I’m cheering for real-Lee, but with the luck I’ve had with this show the one survivor will probably be an extra who played Villager #4 that only appeared in the background of one episode.