Is your refrigerator running?

Ben's Bitter Blog

Refrigerator running…its mouth.

You know the old adage, “Love hurts?” I’m okay with the heart getting hurt. When some girl cold bloodedly tells you that she has been dating someone else for a little while at the same time and she likes him better. Or when you ask a girl to go steady with a big huge cut out heart because she asked you to a dance, and she says no, making the upcoming dance with her Suuuper awkward.

When it comes to romantic comedies though, why does it seem like the refrigerator is always running? Because it seems like someone is always trying to catch it. Every time you turn around someone is chasing someone. Whether it is a girl chasing a guy to the airport, a guy chasing a girl to a baseball game, or a crowd of girls in wedding dresses chasing a guy down the street…

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I Know a Queen When I See One

So the other day started off like any other holiday off where I go to crossfit and my husband does yard work. I returned home to find him still outside working so I decided to go inside, put my gym stuff away and then hang out with him outside so he wouldn’t feel like he was the only one working, even though I wouldn’t be helping. So I walk up to our front door and there it was: a spider the size of my head. Or the size of my palm, it’s all kind of a blur.

So I scream and run to the other side of our yard and my husband asks “did that bug freak you out?” and I said “that spider is huge, you have to kill it before it kills us.” And he says “that’s not a spider, it’s a water bug”, and I’m not good at science but I know a spider when I see one. You want to know why? Because my parents made me watch Arachnophobia when I was seven and I’ve be traumatized ever since. I still look under lamp shades before I turn off a lamp and I eat my popcorn one kernel at a time because I’m afraid to eat a spider and have it bite from the inside and that’s how I die, even though that part of the movie made no sense unless you swallow your food whole and that would make you insane, and also a snake.

I wasn’t going to die by spider so I went through our garage to get inside the house, dropped off my stuff and went back outside. My husband kept insisting it was a water bug (I think so I wouldn’t be scared) and we continued our debate for the next hour before he finally agreed with me. After I showered and changed I decided to go outside and handle business. I grabbed a can of hornet and wasp killer because I don’t have spider killer and went outside to protect my home and family. I’m prepared to go to war when I notice the spider isn’t where it was an hour ago. It had moved, and it moved to THE TOP OF OUR FRONT DOOR. It was getting ready to murder me! The killer spray I had wasn’t the sharp-shooter kind so I had to get as close to the spider as I could without the both of us engaging in hand-to-hand combat. I slowly made my way to my foe and the closer I got, the weirder the spider looked. Turns out it wasn’t just a spider, it was a queen spider with about 40 more spiders. It was holding baby spiders an army of spiders on its back!

It was 41 spiders VS me, a fact that I yelled to my husband but because I don’t study insects for a living he didn’t believe me. I shook the can, pointed it at my enemy, and it DEPLOYED ITS ARMY! Mini-spiders everywhere. I sprayed – more spiders. I sprayed as much as I could before screaming and running away. It wasn’t until I reached safety that I started having flashbacks of the scene in Arachnophobia where the guy is trying to climb out the window but an army of spiders repel down and he has to abandon that plan. THAT COULD’VE BEEN ME IF I WOULD’VE WALKED OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR!  I ALMOST DIED! My husband watched this whole scene go down and when he saw the severity of it he had to come save me because I didn’t know what kind of weapons the queen spider and her army had. After he finished the job I walked back to the front door to inspect the scene and found this:

image1The queen spider built a castle where she had been planning her attack for god knows how long. At least I think this was hers. Other than spider webs I’m not sure what other dwellings house spiders. I’m not an engineer.

The moral of the story is if you think it’s a spider it is and it probably has an army on its back and will kill you and it’s probably been planning the attack for a while. And if you’re not scared of spiders then do yourself a favor and watch the movie Arachnophobia so you can learn the truth. And if you see something that looks anything like this thing in the above photo, get rid of it. Use a power washer, a flame thrower, bulldoze your house, I don’t know, just get rid of it. You’re welcome.


The Correlation Between Zombies and the Weather

I live in Texas and as some of you may have heard half of us are about to get obliterated by Hurricane Harvey. Cities are being evacuated, people are flooding grocery stores for extra provisions, major highways are being shut down, the first day of school has been cancelled – all while Doomsday Preppers watch in amusement, comfortably from their bunkers.

Yes, according to every local meteorologist it’s the end of times and if you’re not one of the many being evacuated than you’re one of the other many who will be prisoners in their homes for the weekend. That’s right, do not – DO NOT – drive anywhere, which is a bummer because I was planning on visiting family this weekend. Not everyone will listen, of course, and the proof will be visible after the storm passes and various areas emerge as graveyards for cars. Idiots will trudge on believing their vehicles are capable of the impossible and risk their safety to make it to, oh I don’t know, the airport. How do I know? Because, dear readers, 2 years ago I was that idiot.

The day started out like any other day that starts out with thunder, lightening, rain and darkness. I’m not the most optimistic person but I was flying to Vegas so my inner monologue was “we can still fly in this”. So I turn on the news to get a professional assessment of the weather only to hear the meteorologist say that there were two tornadoes, Doplar radar couldn’t pick up their exact location but if you see one hide and also let him know where it’s at, please and thank you. I’ve seen better weather reports. This still wasn’t enough to make me worry, though, because my flight wasn’t scheduled to leave until 3:30PM and I was sure that the tornadoes would have destroyed everything but the airport way before then.

Cut to about 12:30pm: I begin my hour long trek to the airport, but because part of the highway was underwater I had to take the toll road. On any other day the toll road is great – it takes you about 50 miles out of your way and costs up to $10 one way, but the speed limit is 85MPH which means I can actually go 88MPH and Doc and McFly would be proud. However, on this particular day the sane speed to drive was 50MPH. As I drove down the toll road I was blown away by the amount of overturned cars that were strewn across the grassy median, and by how many drivers did not view this as a warning and continued on at a speed of 85+MPH. I was Ricky Bobby after his accident, petrified of how fast everyone else was driving.

After about an hour of driving in shit weather I arrived at my exit only to make it 10 seconds down the road before coming to a complete stand still. I had no food and no alcohol; I was in no way prepared to be stuck on the highway for the next 6 hours. Just when I was about to get out of my car and have a cry a wave of determination came over me: I was not missing that flight. Before I could get boxed in with everyone else I began to back up and turn around. Then, as though we had all telekinetically banned together to make it out, other drivers started turning around and we formed a line back to the highway. At one point a sheriffs deputy drove past us and the look on his face was “fuck it, just do whatever.” Which we did. We made it out. Triumphantly I continued on.

I miraculously arrived at the airport only to walk into a scene that could only be out of a movie: shit tons of people in line waiting to yell at the people who take your luggage. I looked up at the flight board and one by one, flights were being cancelled. I had checked the airport website as well as the American Airlines website prior to my journey and both confirmed my flight was still scheduled. I was flying to Vegas for Christ’s sake, surely MY flight wasn’t cancelled. I called American Airlines and once it was confirmed that indeed I was shit out of luck, I yelled at a lady who had nothing to do with my flight being cancelled. Did I mention I’m horrible? After being put on a flight scheduled for the next day and feeling completely defeated, I began my drive back home in the apocalypse.

By the time I was back on the toll road the north bound lanes were completely congested. Halfway through my journey home I noticed people started trying to drive through the grassy median to get to our not-as-congested southbound lane, which didn’t make sense to me. Was there some portal at the end of the toll road that shoots you out to the end of the northbound lane that I didn’t know about? What also didn’t make sense to me was how people thought that they’d be able to traverse the grassy median AFTER IT HAD JUST FINISHED RAINING. I guess when you’ve lost your mind you forget what’s underneath the extremely saturated grass: mud. I saw one guy trying to shake his truck loose by violently rocking it back and forth – that barely works when you’re trying to get your stuck Milky Way out of a vending machine. Next up, a car stuck to the back of an 18-wheeler, the result of obeying the speed limit. It was chaos.

2 hours and a Taco Bell run later I was home. My point is, everyone is an idiot and loses their mind in inclement weather and you don’t need to worry about me because been there, done that. I’ll survive. Suck on that, Doomsday Preppers.

How 50 Shades of Grey Almost Ruined Porn For Me

You probably haven’t noticed that recently I started my Typical Jenn Unofficial Book Club. It’s unofficial because I don’t know what makes a book club official, and it’s probably best because I don’t always share the opinions of my fellow book lovers. You won’t find me discussing books about a terminally ill character finding love and then they die or their loved one dies or everyone dies. I don’t do self-help books. And if the plot has anything to do with a girl who meets the world’s most eligible bachelor and he falls in love with her even though she’s the world’s biggest yawn, well you’ll just have to find another book club because that’s a combination that will keep me away from a book, and the theater. Years ago I was tricked into reading Twilight by a screaming super-fan and ultimately learned the hard way that the more crazed someone is about a book, the more shit it probably is – which is why I’ve steered clear of 50 Shades of Grey.

To be honest I didn’t hear about 50 Shades of Grey until the first movie was about to come out and legions of former Twilight fans were resurrected and mooing about it on social media. However, I did just now research it (primarily so I wouldn’t sound like a total asshole) and in case you’ve avoided it like me here’s the story in a nutshell: There’s a man named Christian Grey who everyone wants and who likes to have sex like he just got out of prison and makes his lovers sign contracts stating they won’t tell anyone. And then a woman named Ana interviews him for a college newspaper and then he wants to have sex with her. So she does and it’s all dominance and beating and after a while she decides it’s not for her and she leaves him. Part 2 goes like this: She gets a job in Seattle and he wants her back so he just buys the company she’s working for (because who hasn’t?) and then fires her boss who sexually harassed her. THEN a woman who used to be one of his lovers breaks into Ana’s apartment and is about to shoot her when Grey walks in like Batman and talks her out of it and saves the day. So then Ana is like “this will never work because I’m boring” and he’s like “but that’s just what a good-looking millionaire who could have anyone they want and I mean anyone probably even JLo wants, marry me”, and then they embark on a “regular” relationship (i.e. he doesn’t beat her when they have sex) and he takes her to a boathouse where he properly proposes and waiting in the wings, pissed off and out for revenge, is the boss that he fired.

So then, based on this synopsis it appears as though my feelings were valid. It’s a cheap romance novel gone mainstream; the Cinemax After Dark version of Twilight, minus the mystical creatures. It works just like Twilight too, in that the character Ana has been created to be so emotionally relatable that anyone (i.e. all of its fans) can fantasize about being her. As awful as it sounds, that’s not what originally kept me across the galaxy from it.

Back when 50 Shades of Grey was just annoying me as a book, I ran into the wife of a co-worker who had just finished reading it. She had recently become a mother and every time we spoke I couldn’t help but notice that she managed to incorporate the word ‘mom’ into the majority of her sentences. I once complimented her on her shoes to which she replied, “thanks, they’re Steve Madden and they’re great for moms.” Christ. Anyway, on this particular day she greeted me by immediately going into her pitch: “oh my gosh have you read 50 Shades of Grey yet?!” followed by “everyone is reading it!” “I’m not” I replied in annoyance. “I promise you’ll love it, you have to read it.” “No” I responded in defiance, hoping this exchange would end there. It didn’t. She followed up with “well I liked it, it’s my mommy porn.”



I felt my self-diagnosed Tourettes of the face kick in.

Mommy porn. You read that right. I’ve accepted the mom haircut, mom jeans, mom wine, shirts that specify you’re a mom. Your Louis Vuitton is now your diaper bag, I GET IT. But ‘mommy porn’? No no no no nope. When she said it time stood still. It was like a punch to the ear drums. I must’ve sworn off porn for a good 2 weeks. Mommy porn isn’t even a category on YouPorn and there are videos of pregnant women having sex for Christ’s sake! (Listen, to each their own, that’s just not my cup of porn. I guess I’m a prude) Don’t act all offended and like you didn’t cringe when you read ‘mommy porn’. Blegh. It sounds like something only a psychopath like Norman Bates or Peter Pan would watch. In fact, that phrase should only be used when punishing your children for watching it. Say it to them, go on; they’ll swear off porn and have a complex for life.


You won’t find that kind of good advice in any of your parenting books – which, in the event that I procreate, I have also sworn off.

GIF’s from and


Vanderpump Rules Does Adult Things

Well, we made it. After drunken fights, cheating allegations, confrontations, name calling (and that was just the bachelor/bachelorette party), we finally made it to the wedding no one thought would happen, or at least hoped it wouldn’t. You did so think that, shut up. Anyway, the wedding: it was actually quite lovely. Lisa made an excellent officiant because she’s Lisa Vanderpump and she can do anything. And if you say Tom Schwartz’s vows didn’t bring a tear to your eye you’re lying because even my black-hearted self welled up. Fortunately I had tissue; Tom Sandoval had to wipe his tears on Butter, Schwartz and Katie’s dog.

So the wedding was good and great but let’s talk about the reception, where it all really happened. First, does anyone else think Kristen should be institutionalized for continuing to wear that fake engagement ring (aside from all of the other reasons, of course). I can’t remember why she wore it before (surely not to keep from attracting anyone, because one conversation with her and her head-twitching will do it) but it’s current sole purpose is to serve as a subtle hint, directed at her boyfriend Carter, that she’s ready to get married. Except instead of looking like a hint, it’s starting to look more like a command. She takes it one step further by trying on a friend’s engagement ring, showing it to Carter, and proudly proclaiming they wear the same size ring, in case he needed to know. This must be why they’re always making out – it’s the only we he can keep her from speaking. Although, that visual is just is just as obnoxious as Kristen. Have you seen them? It’s like watching two beta fish trying to consume each other.

Nightmares. Let’s erase that visual and replace it with Stassi serving Lisa her dinner at the reception; it was the most work she had done since leaving SUR almost 4 years ago. Once she’s dismissed Sandoval joins Lisa at the table to compliment her on the extraordinary job she did officiating Schwartz and Katie’s wedding, a compliment that went over very well because she offered Sandoval the opportunity to partner with Lisa on her new restaurant.

Meanwhile, back at the wedding-party table, Schwartz has stepped away for a moment allowing all the male guests to kiss Katie (on the cheek, you perverts), per Danish tradition. In my family we do the bride/groom money dance and make us some dollars. Just something to chew on for the next cast member who ties the knot.

Anyway, it’s time to talk about the real stars of the show: the triplets. It’s speech time and triplet #1, Billy, gives a lovely, drunk speech. Listen Billy, we’ve all been there so no worries. Next, triplet #2, Bert, gives a lovely, short, not-as-drunk speech. Triplet #3, Brandon, gives no speech, but because there are three of them there must be three speeches and Billy is more than happy to deliver an encore, which he does, drunkenly referring to Tom as a pimp in the process. Just before somebody yanks him off stage with one of those cartoon hook cane’s, he wraps it up. A few more speeches are made, most of which sound more like praises for Schwartz than congratulatory speeches, and then some more things happen.

First, Jax tells Brittany that things aren’t working out between them anymore. BUT, wait for it… He’s just kidding! A funny joke for a woman who has planned her wedding since she was a child and uprooted her entire life to be with this man. Then Jax tells her that they’ll get married “one day”; an even crueler joke.

Next, Sandoval tells Ariana about Lisa’s offer, and then he cries. Then he tries to talk marriage with Ariana, and cries some more, and then they both giggle. The serious talks continue with a more in-depth conversation with Lisa regarding the partnership. As it turns out Lisa’s plan is to open a new restaurant, have Sandoval run the business side, offer Schwartz the opportunity to be the face of the restaurant, and she’s going to name it Tom Tom. Yes, Tom Tom. Suddenly, and as though he was scripted to be lurking just around the corner during the conversation – which can’t be because this is a reality show and 100% real – Schwartz pops up and joins them. Who wouldn’t want the opportunity to go in partners with Lisa Vanderpump on a restaurant that is partially named after them? The answer to that is Schwartz because the minute Lisa mentions the idea to him he says no, claiming “it’s too much pressure”. Also it would require him to work, but they don’t show him listing that as one of his reservations. Realizing she’s scared him with the mere mention of responsibility Lisa decides they should all discuss it later, and sober.

Another conversation that would’ve been best sober was the one between Ariana and Stassi. Sonoma-drunk Ariana was a barrel of laughs, but this wedding-drunk Ariana who weeps to Stassi about the struggles of trying to make something of herself and how she’s working so hard on her book and she’s doing her best? Swear to God, the minute she started boohooing about “doing the best she can” my brain immediately started playing the scene from Dane Cook’s comedy special Vicious Circle where he talks about having a good cry while repeating “I did my best. I did my best.” (If you’ve never seen it I suggest you YouTube it this second. Go on, I can wait. See?) Stassi is in heaven: she’s so desperate for Ariana to like her that she uses this opportunity to console her, attempting to prove she’s not so shitty. Then she practically does cartwheels around the venue when she discovers that her and Ariana share a common interest: they both like the idea of murder; they even create a special hashtag (#murder4lyfe) to commemorate the occasion. It was all very #thelma&louise.

It’s all love and happiness and bliss, and as the wedding comes to a close, Sandoval squawks us off with his tiny trumpet. The wedding may be over but the show doesn’t end there. Three months after Schwartz and Katie’s marriage begins, Scheana ends hers, and we all get to witness it in a very unnecessary scene, because unless you went off the grid and avoided television, social media, the internet, your phone, magazines, and people, UNLESS YOU DID ALL THAT, then you already knew they were getting divorced and why.

To be honest I’m more surprised that they showed the break-up scene than I am that they actually broke up. Shay was always a bit of background noise rather than a fixture and eventually he was just drowned out. Don’t act like you didn’t see it coming. Scheana herself gave it away by proclaiming how perfect her marriage was ad nauseam (even when no one asked), with Shay nowhere in sight to at least make it plausible. In fact he was so absent from this season I wouldn’t be surprised if he had been superimposed into the few scenes he appeared in.

Speaking of superimposed, unless that’s how this group is banded together for the show, a reunion special (a 3-parter no less) seems pointless. For Christ’s sake they work together, hang out at each other’s homes, they’re in each others weddings, they date each other, they take trips together, and based on their social media accounts it’s not just during filming. Contractual or not, every day of their lives is a reunion. It’s like the reality show version of “Friends” except half the cast is about 97% less lovable.

Still, I’ll be watching all three reunion specials; watching as they get paid to continue on with fights that happened months ago – all while I write about it, for free. Somehow I’ve become the loser in this situation.

The Celebrity Apprentice: “Scissors and Creativity”

So then, The Celebrity Apprentice is moving at warp speed and we’re already more than halfway through the season; not that you can tell, what with all the same tasks and same boardroom meetings and the same speeches the Governor gives about his days as a body builder and the same fights with Lisa Leslie. Samey samey same same. But it’s not, because this is The New Celebrity Apprentice. Shows how much you know.

Here’s what’s happening on Not The Same Celebrity Apprentice. Last week the women managed to dwindle themselves down to a quartet when Kyle created a less-than-impressive ad campaign for Kawasaki and was ultimately fired, er, terminated for this and her other two ideas being failures. Consequently the teams are divided and made coed: Team Arete now consist of Rick Williams, Brooke Burke, Laila Ali, Boy George, Jon Lovitz and Matt Iseman. Team Prima is now Vince Neil, Carson Kressley, Lisa Leslie, Porsha Williams, and Chael Sonnen.

Next to go is Jon Lovitz. Poor Jon, he’s had a rough go from the beginning, primarily because everyone hates his ideas. In fact, they hate his ideas so much that during the candy task (where they had to create a new candy for the Warren Buffet owned See’s Candy and then sell it) they send him away to present the final product to Mr. Buffet himself, just so he won’t interfere with the selling portion of the task. Jon blames this on the reason why he only raised $500, which is ultimately the reason for his termination, even though Ricky Williams -the project manager – fell about $200,000 short of what he pledged he could bring in. In Ricky’s defense some of his donors were in the cannabis industry so there’s a good chance no one was even awake during fundraising hours. Oh shut up, I’m joking.

Anyway, that was last week and this is this week, and this week Brooke Burke and Lisa Leslie have volunteered to lead their team in creating a publicity stunt for Lorissa’s Kitchen protein snacks. Well, Brooke doesn’t so much as lead as she does prance around and giggle like a school-girl, hoping (as she puts it) that “they’ll figure it out when they get there”. Surprisingly her let’s-hope-this-all-works-out approach works and Team Arete wins, while also setting women in the workplace back about 60 years. Lisa loses but fortunately for her Vince Neil won a shit ton of money with his win last week and ultimately votes himself off, even after Chael Sonnet tried to save him.

Chael Sonnen: he really takes the piss, doesn’t he? With his confidence and “chopping heads” remarks. Chael likes to put on a show, which he does during the reenactment of his scene where he cut a computer cord to buy his team more time to finish their Harry Potter digital brochure. I say “reenactment” because it was all a bit make-believe, which means the cameraman probably missed it when it actually happened and ordered a redo, which I’m sure Chael was more than happy to do because he was very proud of his stunt. And I say “proud” because in the boardroom he has no qualms about his stunt and believes he’s the only smart one to have found a loophole in the rules, as though he’s just cracked the code on how to properly interpret the Bible. Arnold (I’m tired of calling him Governor) is so blown away by his stupidity he doesn’t even use “you’re terminated”, and instead quickly blurts out “you’re fired”. After he composes himself he then fires Porsha for her inability to get to the point, leaving Carson Kressley and Lisa Leslie the sole survivors on Team Prima.

Like I said, warp speed. But no worries, I’m staying on top of it. I’ve even stopped blinking to ensure I don’t miss the next two episodes.

Photo by: Luis Trinh/