American Horror Story: Roanoke – Chapter 5

I don’t know about the rest of you but I’ve about had it with Matt and Shelby and at this point I’ve begun cheering for the villagers, but before we pick up where we left off we’re first given the answer to a question nobody was asking (or at least I wasn’t): where the house came from. In 1792 an extremely wealthy man named Edward Pillipe Mautt bought the lot and had the house built so he could be alone with his art. Long story short his art was defiled one night so he threw a tantrum, punished his servants (who didn’t do it, obviously) by locking them in the cellar AND THEN the Butcher and her people kill him and the servants in the cellar die. So there’s that.

So back to the mob. Matt calls 911 for the 237th time to save them from the ghost mob but they’re out in the middle of nowhere so the cops won’t be arriving any time soon. The Butcher makes a reasonable offer: if they come out now she’ll kill them quickly. Since Shelby and Matt are selfish they come up with a different plan: Matt’s going to go outside first and create a diversion like a Saved by the Bell episode while Shelby and Flora run to the truck. So they go ahead with this sure fire plan but before they get to the stairwell a ghost girl that has taken on the mannerisms of a spider (I think it’s one of the Chen’s) grabs Flora and trots off. That’s not the only part of their plan that goes awry: the villagers have set Matt and Shelby’s cars on fire. The spider girl eventually sets Flora down, Matt and Shelby get her back but are now surrounded by the pig-man and the three hunters. They miraculously escape and make it to the basement. Anyone else would be dead by now but THEY manage to continue to flee.

Down in the basement they meet Edward who helps them escape via a secret tunnel, leads them into the woods and then disappears. So now Matt, Shelby and Flora are on their own but not to worry because their friends’ the Polk family kidnaps them. You remember them, the hillbillies who lost the bid on the house. Matt, Shelby and Flora are taken to the Polk’s home where they discover that Elias is alive and being used as food for the Polk’s. Look, there’s not a grocery store for miles so what exactly do you want them to do? Unfortunately for Elias he wasn’t very edible so they kill him by bashing his head in. Mama Polk then explains that she has a deal with the Butcher: she brings them victims to sacrifice and in return the Butcher leaves them alone.

Meanwhile Lee is wrapping up her 48 hours of questioning regarding her dead ex-husband and is finally out of custody. But while she’s jacking around at the police station Matt, Shelby and Flora are being driven to the Butcher via the Polk’s. Seated in the bed of the truck and with a rifle pointed at his face Matt comes up with another genius plan: he decides to wrestle away the gun from the Polk boy, which causes him to accidentally shoot the other Polk boy (who’s driving), which allows Shelby to kick the once gun-wielding Polk brother out of the truck, which allows them all to escape, but then they get caught by the not-dead Polk boy. Mama Polk is mad and to make sure they don’t run again she smashes Shelby’s ankle and delivers all of them to the Butcher.

While all of this is going on Lee manages to get an officer to drive her back to the house where she arrives just in time to watch everyone get whacked. She tells the officer to call for backup and in a wonderful display of nope he responds by driving off. Flora is first on the hit list but before they get a chance to kill her the Butcher’s son has a sudden change of heart and stops the killing by clubbing the Butcher and then grabbing her and jumping into their bonfire, killing them both, even though they’re already dead. Just bare with me, I promise this episode is almost over. So Edward reappears and unties Matt and Shelby, and then the pig-man charges at Flora but Lee found a car, hit him with it and they all flee. And they all lived and Shelby will never get over it and good God we’re only half way through the season.

American Horror Story: Roanoke – Chapter 4

We begin this episode with Matt’s one-man show of “I don’t remember having sex with that woman”. After an Academy Award winning performance Shelby believes him and starts to calm down. She heads to the bathroom to take a shower, opens the shower curtain and standing there, ready to attack, is the pig-man. It chases her throughout the house, Matt tackles it, then it chases both of them, and then a man comes out of nowhere and hits it with an ax. Surprise! The hero is Elias, the crazy guy from the tapes. The pig-man stands up, Elias yells croatoan and the pig-man disappears. They all settle in while Elias pours himself a tall one and begins to explain what croatoan means and who he is. So croatoan is basically a word of dark magic. Elias was the owner of the house and the only reason he never sold it was because he didn’t want anyone else to buy it and meet their demise. BUT, he couldn’t pay the taxes on it so it went into foreclosure and was eventually auctioned off. Matt thinks he’s a liar and begins to throw him out when Elias starts going through a list of things he knows about the house, the majority of which being occurrences that have happened to Matt and Shelby. To further prove he’s not insane, or trying to get the house back, he takes them down to the basement and shows them a book that serves as a log of all of the paranormal activity that’s happened in the house. Apparently this place has been making people disappear since the 1700s. A few of the stories include an Asian family, the Chen’s, who bought the house in the 70s, were haunted by pigs and the pig-man and were all eventually killed by the Butcher and her mob; the psychotic sister nurses, Bridget and Miranda, who in fact did not just up-and-disappear but were also killed by the Butcher and her posse; and then there were 3 hunters who stayed in the house and ended up blowing each others heads off.

Elias then gives them the low down on the hauntings and killings: the spirits can haunt at any time but they can only kill during the first lunar cycle in October. From the first quarter moon to the blood moon it’s 6 fun-filled days of killing. Oh, also, the first quarter moon is supposed to rise that very night so it’s time to get the hell out of there. Because Shelby is an idiot she doesn’t believe him, and even though she’s seen just about everything he’s described she thinks he just wants the house back. Matt doesn’t want to leave either but only because he doesn’t want to leave Flora. In an attempt to comfort Matt, Elias responds with “if she’s with the Butcher she’s as good as dead.” Shelby tells him Flora is actually with Priscilla, whom Elias just happens to know so he takes them to her.

They arrive at a location where all the spirits hang out and Shelby still doesn’t believe him until… huh, what’s that over there Shelby? It appears to be a circle of dead people and a not-dead Flora running around in the middle of them. Matt recognizes Priscilla as the little girl who led them to the cellar, which led them to find the Elias tapes. You can see the wheels turning in Matt’s head as he tries to piece it all together, AND THEN! There she is, the woman Matt had sex with. Matt stands there, locked in a trance while Shelby starts to chase her. And of course, she gets lost in the woods… and here come the spirits. Just as the three dead hunters start making their appearance Elias grabs Shelby and they run back to Matt who is watching Flora play with all of the spirits. Matt tries to get her but since Elias is the chosen one he stops Matt so that he (Elias) can get her. Elias calls out to Priscilla and just as he begins negotiations a horn sounds drawing everyone’s attention. And then BAM! Elias gets lit up with arrows.

So Elias is dead, Flora is still with the spirits, and all Matt and Shelby can do is run to the house where they are greeted by Cricket. His monologue goes something like this: “Are you guys done fucking around because you would’ve gotten Flora back by now if you hadn’t made me look like an asshole to the Butcher by not leaving when you said you would, jerks.” Now that it looks like things can’t get any worse, Shelby is finally ready to do whatever she needs to get Flora back, to which Cricket replies “uh yea, the Butcher isn’t interested.” Thanks to Matt and Shelby Cricket now has to figure out another way to get Flora back. He heads back into the woods and returns hours later with even more reasons why they need to get the hell out of that place. His story is as follows: while out in the woods he meets a woman, a woman he says is stronger than the Butcher. This woman is Matt’s fling and also she’s a witch. She blows some mystical powder in Cricket’s face but before she can kill him he starts telling her everything he knows about her and, in a last ditch effort to get her to spare his life, offers her the one thing she’s been wanting since the last episode: Matt. This pleases the witch so she discloses the secret past of the colony. They begin to stroll down memory lane, literally. As in he’s taken back in time and sees it all for himself.

Here’s the deal: the house and the land is the site of the lost colony of Roanoke, except they were never really lost. When the Butcher moved them they were considered lost, or nobody could find their new location, or they became invisible, I don’t know. They just weren’t lost, OK? Anyway, the land was known to them as the “horn of plenty”, a place where there was never a shortage of food, they had everything they wanted and the place was practically perfect. Kind of like heaven except not at all like heaven because in order to maintain that bliss the Butcher had to make human sacrifices to.. well, I’m not sure who but she just did. Eventually her son got tired of being evil and turned the entire colony against her. I need to wrap this up. So the Witch tells her to condemn them to the land, the Butcher kills them all and then the Witch kills the Butcher and they’re all dead and stuck there the end.

Since Cricket and the Witch are BFFs now she also showed him a spell that would put down the Butcher and her posse, which either means that the script writers got lazy or it’s a trick. Armed with a plan Cricket takes an Uber back to his hotel room but they don’t get very far because Flora runs in front of the car and Cricket gets out to chase after her. Back at the house Matt and Shelby are still waiting on Cricket who’s now been gone for several hours. They both dose off and after a few hours Matt wakes up and heads outside. He hears someone in the cellar, investigates and discovers it’s his beloved Witch. She seduces Matt and this time he’s super into it AND remembers, but right before the do it Shelby wakes up, walks outside and starts screaming for Matt because she can see the Butcher and the villagers approaching the house. Matt snaps out of it and runs to Shelby where they both see that the Butcher has Flora. Flora’s about to get whacked when Priscilla hits the Butcher and Flora escapes. Matt and Shelby take Flora inside and ask her if she’s OK, but all she can say is “the man, the man”. The man she’s referring to is Cricket, and right before their eyes the Butcher disembowels him. Once he’s dead the Butcher points at Matt and Shelby and gives them a ‘you’re next’ look. The moral of this episode is don’t help Matt and Shelby.

American Horror Story: Roanoke – Chapter 3

In case you were wondering, pieces of Flora were not in her sweater. I promise. The episode began with the police (who at this point have become main characters) retrieving the sweater from the tree. Lee confirms the sweater is Flora’s and the cops are completely over this family so their reaction is pretty much “cool” and now Lee thinks the cops are in cahoots with the hillbillies. Matt, Shelby and Lee continue to look for Flora and eventually come across more traces of her; they find Flora’s doll, er, the body of her doll with a pig head in place of the doll head. I take back what I said earlier; dead pigs are now main characters in the show. Anyway, they keep searching and eventually arrive at a house with a welcome mat made up of a decapitated pig with Flora’s doll head in place of the pigs head. They search the house sans any sort of weapon; luckily, with the exception of dead animal parts, flies and maggots, the house appears to be abandoned. They begin screaming for Flora and get a response that is coming from a nearby barn. The trio walk into the barn and find two young boys drinking milk from a pig. If you think reading that was gross you should’ve seen the actual scene.

The kids are taken into custody and the social worker tries to get the boys to talk by feeding them candy. Unfortunately for her this method doesn’t work as the only word the kids can say/scream is croatoan. Mason shows up at the police station and they all go back to the house where he then accuses Lee of hiding Flora in an attempt to run off with her. They squabble, Mason pushes Lee and then he leaves. The gang, minus Mason, tries to get some sleep but the entire property is haunted, a fact that they’ve yet to accept, and of course, Matt is awakened by a phone call. This time it’s the cops calling him; they inform him they’ve found something and he should probably head over to their location. Matt wakes up Shelby and together with Lee they meet up with the cops where they’re treated to a visual of the charred remains of Mason. After heading back home Matt notices a missed notification from his security system; it appears that when Mason left the house Lee followed behind him and didn’t return for 4 hours. Soooo….. After watching the video Shelby believes that yoga-hating Lee killed Mason and expresses her feelings to Matt, naturally Lee walks in just in time to hear her. The three of them begin to argue which prevents them from being aware of the little man who has let himself in the house. He introduces himself as a medium named Cricket and says that he was sent by a spirit to help get Flora back. He walks through the house and stops at Flora’s hiding place, telling everyone that Flora is alive and is with Priscilla. Later that evening they perform a seance to try and reach Priscilla but instead they get the Butcher.

The Butcher tells Cricket that the land is hers and she needs to protect it so everyone needs to piss off. When he tries to tell her the land isn’t hers she responds by blowing out the windows in the room, to which Cricket responds by yelling croatoan and then the Butcher disappears. Oh, the Butcher is the woman in the old-timey clothing that tried to kill Shelby, and is also the woman Shelby hit with her car. Anyway, he tells the gang that the spirits have Flora, he knows how to get her back and can retrieve her for the low, low price of $25K. They call him a fraud and kick him out but before he leaves he whispers to Lee “Emily says hi and she wonders why you quit looking for her all those years.” So get this, Emily was Lee’s first daughter whom went missing years prior. Her ex-husband is dead and she’s managed to misplace two daughters, nothing suspicious about that.

The next day Lee pays Cricket a visit and offers up the cash to get Flora back. He lets her know that it won’t be that simple because this Butcher character is no joke. Here’s the story on the Butcher: apparently back in the day she was married to the governor who put her in charge while he was away and a few guys (including her own son) didn’t like it so they conspired against her and put a metal cage over her head and left her to die in the woods. Just as she’s about to get killed by a wild pig a woman appears out of nowhere, kills the pig and then gives the pigs heart to the Butcher for consumption. The Butcher eats it and turns evil. She heads back to the camp and starts killing the men who betrayed her; the ones she doesn’t kill pledge their allegiance to her and she moves the entire colony to the area in the woods that the house was eventually built on. And THAT’S why the land is hers, Cricket!

So the Scooby gang convenes in the woods and Cricket once again tries to conjure up Priscilla. Instead he gets the Butcher only this time she came with a posse. Cricket tells the Butcher that if she gives Flora back everyone will leave the property and Lee chimes in with an offer to burn the house down, which makes Shelby lose it. Lee tells Shelby that her and Matt decided on burning the house down, Shelby is about to yell at Matt but he’s conveniently disappeared. Shelby searches for him and catches him having sex with the woman who turned the Butcher evil. Shelby runs back to the house, followed later by Matt who arrives to find cop cars and and a pissed off Shelby. She questions him about the woman and he responds with “whhaaa, I don’t know what you’re talking about”. Typical. And then the cops take Lee away, Matt asks Shelby “what did you do?”, to which Shelby replies “I don’t know what you’re talking about”. (Drops the mic) The end.

American Horror Story Season: Roanoke – Chapter 2

So, did the suspense of last week’s episode keep you on edge? Did you lie awake, night after night, wondering just what was going to become of Shelby? Did she escape? Did they catch her? Worry no more because here’s what happened: She ran. That’s right, she turned around and ran, the coward. She ran and ran, right into an area of the woods where the mob – the same one that surrounded her – was now gathered around a man who they were preparing to burn alive. This man just happens to be the man we know as the pig-man. Anyway, they light the guy on fire and then Shelby is seen and another chase ensues. Shelby manages to run her way out of the woods only to nearly get run over by Lee.

Lee takes Shelby to the hospital where she tells the doctors and cops what she has just witnessed, to which they respond by drug testing her. Matt joins them at the hospital and tells Shelby, “NOW we can leave”. But now it’s Shelby’s turn to be a dumb-dumb and her response is “well even though I can’t explain what I saw and there have been numerous paranormal occurrences around the house, I think it may just be the hillbillies yanking our chain so we’re going to stay”, or she said something like that.

Back to Lee. It’s her weekend with her daughter, Flora, so her ex-husband Mason drops her off. Out of everyone in this bunch Flora-the-kid is the only one who has a look of nope on her face when she sees the house. So Flora and Lee hang out for a bit and while Lee is making her a snack, Flora runs off. Lee searches the house and finds her talking to an invisible girl named Priscilla, and by invisible girl I mean ghost, except Lee doesn’t know that yet. Flora tells Lee that Priscilla said she would make Flora a bonnet if they would help her, and then…. Crash! They locate the cause of the loud noise and Lee discovers a vase has broken and there is an 1800s looking bonnet lying next to it.

Back to Matt and Shelby who are discussing sticking it out in the house until they can sell it, when suddenly they hear something outside. They go investigate because they haven’t been tormented enough and find a pig on a cross and lots of burning meat, or probably human flesh. Once again they call the cops and the responding officer decides to have a patrol unit park in front of their home, primarily to shut them up. Later that night Matt hears the house phone ring and… yes, a house phone. It’s like a cell phone only it’s attached to a cord and it’s not mobile and it has actual buttons. Anyway, he answers it only to find it’s unplugged, and yet he can hear a woman in pain on the other end. He peers around the corner into the dining room and watches as two nurses shoot an elderly woman in the head, then begin to spell something on the wall using spray paint. Surely this is real and not at all paranormal so he runs outside to wake up the officer. The cops investigate and find nothing. NOTHING.

The next day Mason arrives at the house to pick up Flora but Flora has a fun game of hide and seek going and Lee hasn’t found her yet. So Mason and Lee search the house and find Flora in a tiny closet talking to her dead friend Priscilla. What were they talking about? Oh, Flora was just trying to offer Priscilla her doll in exchange for not killing anyone. You know, kid stuff. Unlike the others, Mason has a logical response and him and Flora get the hell out of there. As they leave he tells Lee that Flora is never going back there, which then causes Lee to fall off the wagon.

After putting his wasted sister to bed, Matt heads to the kitchen where Shelby has summoned him. She asks Matt to look out of the window to see if he can see what she sees, which is a little girl standing in their yard. They head outside to talk to her but instead of finding her, they find a cellar.

Meanwhile Lee wakes up from her drunken stupor to find the two nurses standing over her bed, staring at her. She gets up and begins looking for them but instead finds pig extremities on the wall and then sees the pig-man.

While Lee is busy losing her mind, Matt and Shelby are investigating the cellar. They find VHS tapes… yes, VHS tapes. And an old school video camera. They watch one of the tapes and the footage is of a professor named Elias who took residence in the house to write his true crime novel about the two nurses. Here’s the low down on them: the two women (who were also sisters) were nurses at a nursing home where they first began their killing spree. When staff members became suspicious the sisters opened their own nursing home (in the house) but only accepted patients based on the first letter in their name. They would then kill the patients in order of the spelling of their favorite word, MURDER. After murdering a patient they would spray paint the letter of their first name on the wall, BUT they never finished their work. Instead they vanished and after a while the bodies of their victims were eventually found by police, and after some clean up the house was put up for sale. Matt, being satisfied to know he’s not crazy and did not imagine the women, runs to the dining room, tears down the wallpaper and wouldn’t you know it, there is the nurses unfinished masterpiece. They go back to the cellar and finish watching the tape. Elias doesn’t think the sister nurses fled, he thinks something stopped them. And not for the good of mankind like Dexter.

It’s dangerous times at the “farm” house so Lee decides it’s the perfect time to kidnap Flora, which she does. Shelby calls Mason to tell him that they have Flora, then Shelby and Matt get mad at Lee, and then Flora sees her dead friend and follows her. Lee heads to the living room to say good-bye to Flora but since she’s no longer in there Lee just believes she’s playing hide-and-seek, prompting another search. The three of them search the woods and eventually Lee finds evidence that her daughter is somewhere lost in the woods: she sees her sweater hanging from a branch of an incredibly tall tree.

How she saw it up there is beyond me but she did and that’s the end of episode 2. I’m sure it’s going to start picking up in episode 3, I’m sure of it. Please, Christ.

American Horror Story Season: Roanoke – Chapter 1

Aaannnndddddd we’re back. Another season of American Horror Story. Last year I vowed to write a synopsis of every episode and I’m sticking to that; fortunately I was told that it’s only 10 episodes long so it shouldn’t be too bad. At the end of last season I mentioned that this season would be American Horror Story: Cabin Fever. Well, I was wrong. I’m not completely sure where I got that from. I thought I saw it on TV but now I think I may have conjured it up in a dream, or made it up, or I was drunk. Either way, this season is not about a cabin in the woods where people get killed; it’s about a house in the woods where people get killed.

This year the writers opted for a documentary type season, one that unfortunately resembles the Lifetime Network show My Haunted House – a show that’s actually supposed to be believable but is not. So it’s the real people telling their real story complete with a dramatic reenactment. Got it? OK then, let’s begin.

We open with a couple, Matt and Shelby, introducing themselves and discussing how they’re the worlds greatest couple, kind of how all horror shows start. They talk about how great things were until they start talking about how things became not great: while celebrating Matt’s promotion and their pregnancy news a gang of assholes walk up to Matt and punch him in the face, knocking him out. He lands in the hospital, Shelby miscarries and now they no longer feel safe in the city so they begin searching for a house in the country. While frolicking in the woods they stumble upon a vacated house that could only look more scary if it were surrounded by hanging corpses.


Now to me a punch in the face isn’t enough to provoke me to live in the middle of nowhere. At least in a large city someone is bound to find your body. But what do I know, I’m an introvert and live in Texas where we all have acres and guns. Anyway, the aesthetics of the house are not enough to dissuade them and they eventually go on to win a bid for the house against 3 hillbillies, paying $40K for the house and the 10 acres surrounding it. Cheap, huh? Just like the Amityville Horror house. Still, the fact that they were able to purchase the house with so much property for so little doesn’t raise any red flags.

Predictably, the first day they move in they begin experiencing the paranormal. Their experiences include hearing pig noises, banging on their door, a trash can being thrown at them, the usual. A few days after moving in Matt goes out of town on business leaving Shelby home alone. Shelby enjoys her evening doing yoga, cooking and then getting in the hot tub where she is nearly drowned by a woman wearing old-timey clothing. She calls the cops and Matt; naturally neither of them find evidence of this imaginary woman. Regardless both Matt and Shelby believe it’s the hillbillies (the Polk family) messing with them, to which the cop replies that he’ll go find them.

Matt isn’t convinced the police are going to help them, primarily because nothing came of their visit and also he woke up to a slaughtered pig on his doorstep. He has to leave to continue his business trip but before he does he installs security cameras and moves his sister, Lee (a former cop), in to help watch over things while he’s away. To make it more fun and interesting it just so happens that Lee doesn’t like Shelby, primarily because she does yoga, and the hilarity ensues! Here’s some more background info on Lee: After getting hurt in the line of duty she became hooked on pain pills and consequently lost her job, which then led to a downward spiral that caused the end of her marriage as well as caused her to lose custody of her daughter, Flora. And now she’s stuck babysitting yoga-loving Shelby in a seemingly/obviously haunted house. On top of that she’s trying to stay sober, a fact she reiterates to Shelby when she asks her not to drink in the house.

That night Lee is awoken by an empty wine bottle rolling into her room. Angry and still sober she grabs the bottle and heads downstairs to confront Shelby, then they proceed to argue just as an angry ghost mob heads for the front door. Matt, who is still out of town, gets an alert on his phone prompted by the security cameras and can see the mob coming for them. After trying to reach Shelby, who can’t hear her phone because of yelling, he calls the cops and then speeds home. FINALLY Lee and Shelby are silenced by the sound of someone entering the home. Lee leads the way to investigate and they end up in the basement where they hear a man screaming. They find a video playing and on the screen, a pig-man can be seen. That’s right, a pig-man. A man with a pig head in place of his actual head, or placed over his head. He’s got a pig head for a head. When they finally emerge they are treated to an artsy display of hanging twig dolls. Matt finally arrives, Shelby and Lee show him the video; Shelby wants to leave and Matt’s response is “well I think it’s those hillbillies just messing with us, we’ll be fine. Also, we spent all of our money buying this house soooo…..”

Shelby throws a tantrum and leaves, and then hits a pedestrian because she was fucking with her phone. She gets out, the pedestrian gets up and, rather than notice that the pedestrian looks a lot like the person who tried to drown her, runs after her into the woods. Naturally she gets lost and things only continue to go south from there; she sees more hanging stick dolls, runs, trips (of course), the ground begins to move like she’s hallucinating the end of days, the villagers surround her, and then she’s treated to the the sight of a man who is missing his scalp and is now crawling towards her. She screams and that’s the end of episode one, and my faith in this show.

I have a few predictions for this show but they’re null and void because after Googling Roanoke (I’d heard the name but forgot anything I’d ever known about it) I kind of have an idea of where this season is going. BUT, I’ll continue to keep you updated on every episode, that way you don’t have to watch it if you don’t want to. You’re welcome.


Teen Mom OG: The Later Years

I’ll admit, I used to be a huge fan of the show 16 And Pregnant. At 27 the show absolutely terrified me and I figured it would have the same effect on teens. Finally MTV was making a show that could possibly help society as opposed to say, The Jersey Shore. I was equally as enthralled with Teen Mom, the follow up to 16 And Pregnant, right up until Season 2 came out and I noticed that all of a sudden the girls went from struggling to pay their bills to buying new cars, houses, and were constantly going out to eat. I don’t know about you but when I was 19 I worked as a waitress, drove a ’91 POS and nights out included going to my friends house to watch Sex and the City. But I guess when you’ve agreed to share such an extreme situation, and the events that follow, with the world you’re entitled to some sort of compensation.

While Teen Mom had its unintentional comical moments, for the most part it seemed a little sad and the fact that everyone else in the world was making fun of them (please don’t act like you never laughed at Gary and his inability to wear anything but baby tees) kept me from writing about them, until now. I picked back up on Teen Mom OG and Teen Mom 2 in their previous seasons and discovered that it was no longer a show about the struggles of a teen mom but rather a show about twenty-something-year-old women and their drama, and they happen to have money. It was as though MTV made a Twilight Zone-like Sex and the City prequel to give viewers an idea of what their lives would’ve been like if they’d all got knocked up in high school and would’ve never met.

Anyway, it wasn’t their new homes, expensive cars, unlimited clothing budget or their book deals that made me decide to include Teem Mom in TV Time with Typical Jenn. Nope, it was watching Mr. Love Line himself, Dr. Drew, explain to a couple of the cast members that the reason it was important to keep Farrah Abraham on as a cast member (of Teen Mom OG) was they needed to show the struggles of being a teen mom and the extremes they go through to survive. Interesting take, especially since it isn’t true. Now, I’m aware that there are teen mothers out there who have taken to dancing in order to take care of themselves and their child, but I’d bet my car they’re not raking in $500,000 like Farrah did when she danced at an Austin gentleman’s club. That “explanation” gave me an idea of just how much money MTV is willing to throw into this franchise for the sake of ratings and an even bigger financial return, because there’s no way anyone in their right mind would believe this show is still about the hardships of being a teen mom. There are women in a far worse situation than divorced parents and being pregnant at 17, but you won’t see all of them on a talk show promoting their new book. How many 24-year-old mothers of first graders do you know who can afford to get a brand new car every couple of years? Do you remember how much money you got for losing your first tooth? I bet it wasn’t $600 like Sophia (daughter of Farrah) got.

Now, if MTV really wanted to have a profound effect on young women they would pick 4 girls from every season of 16 And Pregnant and then film them afterwards to make a new Teen Mom and show what it’s really like. Not film the same girls every year and millions of dollars later. But I get it. People are wrapped up in their drama and you want to see how it unfolds. The only problem is, from what I’ve seen so far, they’ve run out of drama. Now MTV is just filming their everyday movements. To liven it up they’ve broken the 4th wall and now you’re able to see how the cast interacts with the crew, and every so often the cast will speak directly to the camera. Yup, like they’re talking directly to you. Geddit? It’s like you’re in their living room right there with them! Not in Farrah’s, though, you can’t afford it. So, without further ado, I bring you the latest in this MTV money maker.

So here’s what’s happening on this season of Teen Mom OG:

A whole lot of nothing.

I’m serious, this show is running on fumes.

Farrah is still making money doing tons of random things, her mom is still crazy but more so now than ever, and Farrah still has her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Simon. If you watch the show you’ll notice that Farrah and Simon are practically trying not to kill each other on camera, and if you look hard enough you can almost see the producers in the background waving Simon and Farrah’s checks at them while they’re filming their scenes. At first I thought the producers were paying this guy to be Farrah’s boyfriend and conjure up something to film, now I think their goal is to make her go as insane as possible, throwing tantrums so unbelievable the season finale will include a scene reminiscent of Silence of the Lambs where she’s being taken away in a straitjacket and mussel after she’s eaten the face off a producer, thus launching its next spin off: The Dangers of Crazy featuring Farrah Abraham. That’s MTV for you, always with the spin off’s.

Maci quit her job as a radio host, is focusing on her and Taylor’s clothing line, and her big drama is she just found out she’s 5-months pregnant, and by “she just found out she’s 5-months pregnant” I mean WE just found out she’s 5-months pregnant. Her fake reaction to the news suggests that she’s known far longer than her and the show are letting on. But she needed a story line and we’re expected to go along with it even though it’s ridiculously staged, but also these are reality stars, not actors, so what do you expect. On last week’s episode we were treated to a scene of her and Taylor discussing the wedding, and if you managed to stay awake through this incredibly boring exchange you were then treated to a few equally boring scenes of her trying on wedding gowns. In fact, the only people who were excited were the saleswomen and I suspect that was only for the cameras, as the looks on their faces resembled that of one of those lunatic mothers from Toddlers and Tiaras. You know, the ones who are practically performing on stage with their 5-year-old.

Amber is still with her conman of a fiance´. Last season they began flipping houses, a business venture they appear to still be involved in, although a new viewer of the show would believe their actual employment status is “getting paid to film and not doing anything else except this isn’t going to last forever so you better develop some skills before you’re 30 and broke.” Not having a real job or plans for her future is about as dramatic as it gets for Amber. To remedy this she (or MTV) has found a man who is equally as unambitious and, SURPRISE!, has kids all over the country, far and wide. He’s the deadbeat dad version of the now cancelled Duggar’s show “19 Kids and Counting.” If you’ve watched any of Teen Mom OG, or have read the gossip sites, you know that prior to reeling in Amber he tried getting the attention of Farrah, and when that didn’t work he tried Janelle (from Teen Mom 2), and then finally settled on Amber which, in turn, landed him a paying gig as a supporting character on the show, which then prompted his baby mama’s to start coming out of the woodwork. Look, I’m no fugitive, but what I do know is if you’re on the lamb getting yourself on a reality show probably isn’t your best option when trying to lay low.  Regardless, Amber continues to deal with the stories and the continuous flow of women claiming Matt IS the father. Listen, if Amber wants to keep this going so she can have a story line and continue to not work that’s her business but if I were Matt I would quit buying Amber “I’m sorry” rings and start saving money for the impending wage garnishments. Gary (Amber’s baby daddy) is still around, and with his Amber drama put to rest his story line consists of him talking, about nothing. In fact, we’re 4 episodes in and I can only remember one scene of his because he says the same thing over and over again, “Yea, Amber and I are getting along better and I’m glad the custody agreement is settled.” That’s it. And the only person he repeatedly says this to is his wife, who could only look more bored if she were talking to two of him.

Finally we come to Catelynn and Tyler, the only 2 with a story line that has some actual substance, kind of. While Tyler is struggling a bit to find his place in the world, Catelynn is struggling with postpartum depression and has reached out for professional help. In addition, Tyler’s dad is living with them after serving his 5-year prison sentence, and the couple is also trying to work through the fact that Brandon and Theresa (the couple who adopted their first daughter) no longer want anything to do with the show. Their story line isn’t so bad, HOWEVER, I will say that watching Catelynn chew her fingernails down to the nub makes me wish she had hooks for hands. I get that it’s probably a nervous tick but dear god when she does it, which is just about all the time, I have to look away. Watching someone chew their fingernails in person is bad enough, watching someone do that on TV is 147 times worse because you can’t smack their hand out of their mouth. It’s equivalent to watching someone run their nails on a chalkboard, which Catelynn can’t do, because she’s just about chewed her fingernails down to her knuckles. In fact, I would like to see a one hour special where Dr. Drew addresses this issue and attempts to cure her. They could bring in a hypnotist to trick her into thinking that her fingernails were actually her baby’s head. She may never paint her nails again or she might fuse her hands together behind her back so she’ll never be able to look at them, but at least she’ll be cured. But based on the severity of her nail-biting issue she’d probably just take to chewing on her toenails. Now that’s entertainment.

Tonight delivers a whole new episode of nothing and as fun as it is to write about them I just can’t do this every week, it’s too boring. How boring? Well here’s what happened on the last episode (episode 4):

• Catelynn bought a $3,000 pig and Tyler got mad. Tyler’s dad dressed up as the Easter Bunny for Nova (Catelynn and Tyler’s 2nd daughter) but put the bottoms on backwards making the tail look like a penis, hilarity ensued.

• Farrah was a dick to Sophia. Farrah was a dick to Simon. Farrah is crazy.

• Amber got sick, and also got a cat.

• Maci went from not knowing she was pregnant to looking like she’s due any second. Maci plans a wedding, then she tries on dresses. And if that sentence alone was boring to read you should try watching the episode. If you asked me the tone of her story, my answer would be monotone.

And that’s it, that’s what MTV films all day long. How they manage to stay awake is beyond me so you can see why I can’t write about this every week. It’s like watching fake grass grow. It’s like one of those old time comic strips that have been around for the last 30 years but the scenario is still taking place on the same day.

So I’ll update you again when their day is over, in 3 months.

Independence Day: Unnecessary Resurgence

Sadness and all things horrific seem to be the theme of 2016. I mean really, you can’t watch the news without having to get drunk or feeling the need to take a Xanax afterwards. Every news outlet appears to be in a competition of Who Can Make The World Appear More Bleak? The only thing that rivals the news is social media. “Tom Anderson just ate 5 gallons of Neapolitan ice cream, LOLOLOLOL”; gone are the days when you could read a post like that and think ‘who cares?’ The trendy thing now is to be a depressing, politically correct know-it-all who finds the saddest news from the darkest part of the globe, adds their take on it and shoves it down all of their Internet friends’ throats, consequently invoking a war of words between other know-it-all’s, each knowing more than the other, making us all despise the evolution of social media, the Internet, and mankind. Our only escape from this reality is the couple of hours we’re in a movie theater where everyone is forced to put their phones down and shut up. And what options has Hollywood given us to escape the madness? Horrendous remakes and sequels to movies that were brilliant two decades ago, bleeding a film franchise completely dry until all that’s left is its corpse depicting our lack of creativity and inability to go out on a high note. The list of death blows to classics goes on but today I’ll be talking about the newest Independence Day, almost an exact replica of the original only this one is painful to watch.

Here’s a quick, and hopefully less painful, recap: former president Bill Pullman gets mentally invaded by the aliens and discovers their plan to attack earth – I was under the assumption that attacks came without warning but clearly the aliens are more sophisticated and polite than us humans. So Bill tries to warn the president (a woman) who, at the time of his revelation, is having a big celebration in honor of the 20 year anniversary of the defeat of the aliens. He interrupts the event only to be shooed away; then, long story short, the aliens attack. Oh! Remember the scientist from the 90’s Independence Day, the one that we thought died after the alien strangled him in order to speak through him? Well he survived, turns out he lapsed into a coma FOR 20 YEARS. And to make it more believable, upon the aliens newest attack he springs to life as though waking from a light nap. That’s correct, fully awake and ready to get back to science. He remembers everything from 20 years ago as well, and leads his scientist friends back to an alien that was captured way-back-when and has been stored at Area 51. Now, it’s not one of those aliens you understand, but a different kind. Think Glenda the Good Witch of the South in the shape of a large white globe that looks as though it was designed by Apple. So after waking the iAlien it proceeds to tell them they’ve pissed off the aliens, there’s an even bigger queen coming for them, same rules apply as last time because this is essentially the same movie, only this one could have been a straight-to-DVD. And even though we attacked and captured her for no reason, SIRI says she’ll help.

In between all of this nonsense new characters are introduced and random things happen: Vivica Fox dies (in fact her part in the movie is so small you’ll forget she was in it by the time you leave the theater), Jeff Goldblum goes to the moon (humans work up there now, FYI) and fighter pilots attack the aliens. And after some poor decision-making and failed attempts to kill the aliens the president either gets killed or leaves the planet because at one point the US General becomes president. Not to get all School House Rock on you but we need to take a step back. I’m assuming the scene that explains the need for the US General to become president happened during a restroom break because I was very confused when I saw him getting sworn in. The US General isn’t even in the order of succession – I think the janitor gets a shot at being the president before the US General does. In order for him to acquire that title it would mean that everyone died; if you were at the White House sorry, you died. So to recap: former president Bill Pullman managed to survive the White House invasion 20 years ago when there was no social media or smart phones to provide aide or warning, but the woman president dies along with her entire cabinet in an age where we know what’s happening before it happens.

Anyway, here are some more things that happened. Jeff Goldblum and a new character, a woman he used to date, discover that everyone who’s been having alien visions draws a symbol, not just any symbol, but a symbol that closely resembles the power button on Apple products. At this point the movie was starting to resemble a subliminal Apple ad. The only thing missing was the spelling of the movie: iNDEPENDENCE DAY. Next there is the need for someone to sacrifice themselves by flying into the mothership and blowing it up, so Randy Quaid Bill Pullman volunteers, and NOW all of the aliens are dead (or at least we hope so). The end. Thank Christ.

But Jenn, your recap made absolutely no sense. Yes, I know. Neither did the movie.

But Jenn, I saw the movie and that’s not exactly how it happened. You’re probably right but you have to admit that this was the gist of it.

Look, I get it, great scripts are hard to come by especially when our generations’ screenwriters are busy Instagraming photos of their work space rather than writing. But there has to be a better way, there has to be a good book that would make an incredible big screen adaptation. It doesn’t all have to be remakes, and for god’s sake leave the cheesy sequels to Sharknado.

Forever Young by: Vanderpump Rules

Not very long ago I stumbled upon a Buzzfeed article titled Why Parents Hate Caillou – a cartoon (advertised as educational) that features a 4-year-old boy who apparently is a complete asshole, with his tantrums and piss-poor attitude and such. From what I’m told this is the general demeanor of any 4-year-old yet parents are convinced that if their child watches this cartoon then Caillou will infiltrate their child’s mind like a subliminal message and subsequently posses them with behavior that probably already exists. I’m not convinced that this is how it works but if you believe that your toddler will become a monster by simply watching this cartoon then by god don’t let your tween and/or teen watch Vanderpump Rules – it’ll have you convinced that your child will remain mentally locked in their teen years for the rest of their lives, thus directly contributing to the demise of our world. And it’ll be All. Your. Fault. (No, no, it’s OK that I watch it. I’m a for real grown up with bills and responsibilities and everything! It can’t turn me!)

Vanderpump Rules does a better job of showing what a 30-year-old with high school problems looks like than the 90s version of Beverly Hills 90210 ever did. But Jenn, maybe it’s the producers plying them with alcohol and getting them drunk in an attempt to instigate drama? Maybe, but that doesn’t explain why they continue to be stupid while sober. Then again, I can’t quit watching the show so what do I know. I’ll tell you what I know: I’ve been watching the show since its debut a few years ago and unless my TV is out-of-date I’m pretty positive that quite a few of them are nearly unrecognizable. If they were actual teens I would chalk it up to aging but in this case it’s 30-year-olds who are combating aging with the help of their plastic surgeons.

Take Jax for instance: A former model who looks so different that if it wasn’t for his inability to quit lying, stealing and womanizing you’d think he’d been replaced. In addition to a new face, this season he has added theft charges and extreme narcissism to his resume´. Not that he wasn’t full of himself before, but this year he’s brought in an arsenal of conceit that I can only surmise is a side effect of his latest nose job, and can only hope will result in a scenario that’s something out of a Tales From The Crypt episode where he becomes so engrossed in himself he wakes up one morning to find that every last person in the world has morphed into a heightened version of himself and upon discovering that his new nose is the culprit behind this debacle, hurries to see his plastic surgeon only to find that it was no plastic surgeon at all, but instead a satanic wizard who’s taken the form of one Stassi Schroeder.

In real life Stassi is back: not as a satanic wizard who preys on Jax, but as a satanic wizard who preys on everyone. After quitting SUR and telling everyone to suck it she found her self friendless, jobless and homeless, so naturally she conjured up her magics to weasel her way back in. Her comeback was a very humbling one as she kicked off her return by apologizing/groveling to Lisa and freeloading off her once arch nemesis Kristen Doute. She then used her special wizard powers to make Schwartz believe she’s no longer an asshole. And finally she used her last ounce of power to win over Katie and with all of her powers drained her story line became boring and who cares.

And then there’s Kristen, who managed to keep her job on the show by turning up her crazy by about 5 notches. At least once a week Kristen made sure to mention she was in therapy and tried her best to convince America that she was totally and completely, 100% sane. If you watched the same show I watched (which shut up yes you did) then you’ll notice that what therapy actually did for her was give her a level of self-confidence that manifested itself into some sort of mild form of turrets which caused her to constantly say “suck a dick” and made her head – whole upper body, really – sway and twitch non-stop whenever she spoke, although the twitching could just be the shakes from always being drunk. Who knows. What I do know is after a while it became pretty painful to watch. In addition to her role as The One Most Likely To Have a Psychotic Breakdown she’s also the proud owner of a t-shirt line. Never heard of it? Well I took a moment to look at her product and, well, how should I describe it? You know those annoying posts that annoy you on Facebook and have now been turned into pictures by self-proclaimed poets and show up in your Instagram feed by people who probably need a bit of counseling? You know the ones: they say ridiculous things like “today is now, tomorrow hasn’t happened yet, so don’t worry.” And then idiots reply with things like “OMG, so needed to read that today.” That’s what her t-shirts are like: every annoying post on Instagram turned into a walking billboard. They’re awful.

Speaking of annoying, did anyone else find Scheana unbearable this season? I mean, more unbearable than usual. At first it was just her voice, which I hope is just an affectation she developed after moving to LA. But this season she really brought out the big guns. In seasons past Scheana got her attention by showcasing her ability to channel other personalities and make them her own: first she channeled Tammy Fay Baker with a focus on her makeup skills, then she channeled her inner T-Pain when her songs had to be extremely auto-tuned to mask her undeniably cringe-worthy voice. This season she took a different approach and used a new attention grabber: crying, sympathy-garnering crying. Shed a tear as she cries while downing a bottle of wine, explaining that she is fortunate enough to not know what it’s like to have an addiction problem so she simply can’t understand what’s wrong with her husband, so she berates him like a child. Pour one out for the demise of her friendship with Katie – a situation that she completely made up in her head because she didn’t want to be left out now that Stassi was back. Grab the tissues and try to hold back your tears as you watch her shed her own because Ariana basically told her she needed to quit her shit. It’s tough being Scheana; all of the crying she did this season has resulted in an influx in her need for Botox. Scheana 2.0 is awful, I’d like her to bring back T-Pain Scheana – the one that created terrible music but really didn’t care what anyone thought. At lease that version was tolerable.

As for the rest of the cast, either they were just extra boring this year or everyone else’s heightened bullshit overshadowed them. Tom Sandoval (Tom 1) has a band, Ariana is sick of everyone’s bullshit.

Tom Schwartz (Tom 2) and Katie Maloney are still together and, after some coercion from Katie, now engaged. Katie spends her days working at SUR, planning the wedding, and writing her blog. Tom spends his days hanging out with anyone who isn’t working and sprinkling in an audition here and there. While it may appear he’s the most immature, he actually appears to be the most level-headed. I like Tom 2 and I believe he’s on the show so the producers don’t cause everyone to completely lose faith in humanity.

And last but not least, this season we were treated to some new people: one James Kennedy and one Lala Kent. James is a busboy by day, DJ by night and a tantrum throwing alcoholic full time. Lala is the new hostess who is also the new Scheana, i.e., the one the girls pick on for no apparent reason. Both are in their early twenties and when liquored up, both are equally ridiculous. They fit in perfect. Side note: James used to date Kristen, then moved on to Lala after he and Kristen broke up. Kristen hates Lala because of this which makes Lala hate Kristen, which makes Lala act crazy around her, which is how Kristen used to act around Ariana who is dating Kristen’s other ex-boyfriend, which means that Kristen now has to deal with her very own Kristen. What goes Kristen, comes back Kristen. Don’t be Kristen.

So there you have it, what it looks like to be a 30-year-old with first world problems and a teenage mentality. Does it make you nervous? Is it your worst nightmare realized? Don’t worry, the show will be back for another season so there’s plenty more where this came from. Except next season I’ll write after each episode so you get a weekly helping of paranoia. You’re welcome. Now off you go, enjoy the weekend while you can.

American Horror Story: Hotel – Season Recap, the Season That Tricked Me


  So here we are, once again, at the end of another season of American Horror Story. The good news is it didn’t make me want to hurl my TV through a window like I did after wasting 13 weeks on that garbage that was the Freak Show season. This season had some good, yet predictable story lines; the character back stories were really the best part of the show. Additionally, other than blessing us with the gift of Liz Taylor, I was extremely appreciative of the writers omitting the song and dance numbers. This season, rather than have the characters break out into a random song and dance, they dubbed some pretty wonderful tunes over various scenes. Listen, I get that this show is brought to us by the creators of the comedy-drama Glee, but when I’m watching a scene in which a sadistic killer-clown is slashing through people like someone angrily trying to cut their way into an overly sealed package, and then am thrown into a musical diddy that features Jessica Lange belting out a Lana Del Rey song, well, it tends to take me out of the moment a bit. But what about the Donovan/Hotline Bling scene? Don’t you worry my friends, I’ll get to that. Anyway, I was going to write a piece about this season prior to the season finale, but after watching the finale I just decided to combine it all. The season finale, just like in the other seasons, ruined it for me which meant there was no point in trying to write an entire piece on the ending. If you saw it then you know what I’m talking about.

Let’s begin with everything we learned about the Hotel Cortez in the very first episode. The Countess (Lady Gaga) is a vampire who apparently kidnaps kids; if you die in the hotel sucks to be you because you’re stuck there, FOR-E-VER (like the death house in season one); Hypodermic Sally is super into shooting people up with heroin, and then crying about it as well as everything else; we’re introduced to the series’ greatest character ever, Liz; Iris (Kathy Bates) isn’t dead but stuck in the hotel; and we meet detective John Lowe, a cop who is hunting a serial killer and moves into the hotel with the belief that that’s where they’re hiding, and also he has a wife named Alex who is kind of a dick.

Now, here is what has transpired this season. We’ll start with John Lowe. So he moves into the Hotel Cortez hell bent on catching the Ten Commandments killer: a serial killer whose victims are people who break one of the Ten Commandments, kind of like Dexter but not as lovable. When he first moves into the hotel he’s sober John, and we later find out it’s because he went on a 2-day drinking binge after working a particularly disturbing crime scene, and then when he finally went home he took his family to a carnival by the beach in an attempt to make up for his behavior and instead of making things right he lost his son. It was a really bad week for John. His sobriety doesn’t last long in the Hotel Cortez; while there he has seen his son Holden who is seemingly frozen in time, the killings haven’t stopped, he’s being taunted by the killer, and to top it off he gets invited to and attends a party on Halloween night that is also host to some of the most infamous serial killers in the world, and they’re dead. Wait, why did detective John Lowe get invited to a party full of serial killer ghosts? Simple. Because, as it turns out, Mr. John Lowe, predictably, is the Ten Commandments serial killer, something you probably caught onto a couple of sentences ago. Here’s what happened: during his alcohol binge he somehow wound up at the Hotel Cortez where he was introduced to James March (I’ll get to him in a bit). Basically James and the Countess get him to become the serial killer. So how did the writers pull off this great secret that we all kind of realized in episode 4? It appears as though John had selective amnesia and couldn’t remember being a serial killer, and it isn’t until he annoys the piss out of everyone that Liz finally makes Hypodermic Sally tell him what’s up. And then he’s like “oh yea, I do kill people. LOL.” He gets back to killing and seems to really enjoy it but one day, and just short of one kill, like someone who gets down to “one bottle of beer on the wall” and calls it a day, he decides he’s over it. What made him up-and-quit? Well, his wife, who had since filed for divorce, is back.

That’s right, his wife, who was kind of an asshole but now we completely understand why, is back. Where was she? Well, you see, after hearing from both her husband and daughter (will get to her soon) that Holden was still alive and living at the hotel, she decides she’s had enough BS for one lifetime and personally serves John with divorce papers. As she leaves she spots a child down one of the hallways, a child none other than forever-a-five-year-old Holden. She finds out he’s a vampire and that the Countess is responsible for his transformation, so she confronts the Countess. The Countess offers her the opportunity to become a vampire in exchange for watching over her Village of the Damned kids for all eternity. Sold! She accepts. But being a doctor by day and vampire by night proves to be a little too difficult for her. How? Ok, so she has a nine-year-old patient who has a severe case of the measles, none of the meds are working and he is basically on the outs. So like any doctor would do she turns him into a vampire, who then turns all of his friends into vampires, who then start killing everyone, because vampires. The Countess finds out and tells Alex to get her Lord Of The Flies creation under control or she’ll kill both her and Holden. So she meets with John and comes clean about everything: she’s a vampire, Holden is a vampire, everyone is a vampire, and can he help her capture the vampire kids. John is like “ok but we still have another kid” and Alex is like “yea, right, Charlotte, I haven’t forgotten about her.” Well neither had we so I was glad that they finally mentioned that she still existed as opposed to making her disappear like ABC did with that middle child from the show Family Matters. They decide to deal with Charlotte later, right now they’ve got killer kids to catch. They eventually find the kids, lure them back to the Hotel and give them a permanent time out by locking them in the sealed corridor that was created by James but perfected by the Countess. Nothing brings a couple together like locking children away to ensure a drawn out and painful demise; they’re a family again and, along with Holden, they leave the Hotel. As they leave Hypodermic Sally, who is more unstable than usual, screams at John like she’s on day 1 of detox, and looking about as homicidal as the sensors will allow. What does she scream at him? That she’s going to kill him, like all jilted lovers.

So why is Hypodermic Sally completely losing her shit? Well, it turns out that being a serial killer wasn’t the only thing ol’ John Lowe forgot, he was also banging Sally. Wait, so Sally is alive and stuck in the Hotel? No, no she’s not. She’s dead. After shooting up Donovan (Iris’ son, and someone I’ll be getting too soon) Iris finds him dead (or so she thinks) in Sally’s room and pushed her out of a window. So she didn’t exactly die in the Hotel but close enough. When John became a regular of the Hotel he also became Sally’s bang buddy, for reasons unbeknownst to me. So naturally, when he gets back together with his wife Hypodermic Sally freaks the fuck out, and if there’s anything we’ve learned from the movie Fatal Attraction it’s that Sally will not be ignored. Knowing that the best way to keep them together is by killing him in the Hotel, she recruits the Countess to help her lure him back and kill him. (This is really all there is to say about Sally because she’s the most irritating character on this season, the entire series, in the entire world)

Why would the Countess help Sally? Because Sally saved her life, of course. Here’s how this all went down. The Countess has been pissing people off left and right for the last several decades. She didn’t always used to be a dick, though. She started out as a shy actress in love with her co-star, Rudy Valentino. He was into her too and thus began their love affair, a love affair that included his wife, Natasha. One day he fakes his death and then the Countess is sad forever. To take away her sadness she marries James March, the millionaire who built the Hotel Cortez. Surprise! He kills people but it’s cool because he’s rich and she likes things. So she’s happy in all of her riches when one day, while visiting the grave of her great love, Rudy Valentino, his wife appears out of nowhere and the Countess gets pissed. Natasha (Valentino’s wife) is like “calm down, he’s not even dead.” And then boom, like a vision he walks towards the Countess and they all promise to be together 4-eva. They’re scheduled to runaway together but the Countess is stood up at the train station and she never sees them again. After her husband, James March, kills himself (we’ll get there) she travels around the world, breaking hearts and racking up more money. Eventually she ends up with Donovan. Surprise! He’s not dead, she turned him into a vampire. So she likes him until a model named Tristan comes along and then she likes Tristan. Then she pretends to like Will Drake (new owner of Hotel Cortez) so she can marry him and take his money, but let’s Tristan know he has nothing to worry about. She only has eyes for him. Tristan doesn’t really care though because he’s in love, with Liz. Liz confesses to the Countess she’s in love with Tristan, the Countess is pissed, and she kills Tristan, in front of Liz! Meanwhile, Will Drake is still in the middle of remodeling the Hotel. His contractor stumbles upon a part of the Hotel that isn’t in the plans and Will Drake makes them tear down the wall to keep the construction moving. Well, wouldn’t you know it, Valentino and his wife Natasha didn’t stand the Countess up. They were locked away in that sealed up corridor the whole time, ha ha. It wasn’t so ha ha for the construction workers because do you know what happens to a vampire who hasn’t fed in decades? They’re thirsty. That’s not a one-liner, that’s what happened. They go on a killing spree and get back to their old selves. And then the Countess finds out, she finds them and puts together a plan to get lots of money, get rid of Natasha and then her and Valentino can live happily ever after. After that she manages to get Will to marry her, thus producing one of the best scenes of the season.

(Images from Tumbler)

Anyway, the Countess marries Will Drake and after he meets her kid (yes, the Countess has a kid: a half vampire/half monster thing) and calls the kid a monster (which it was) she kills him, in the Hotel. To be fair she was going to kill him anyway. So now he’s dead and after reporting him missing she gives a statement to the cops while doing her best impression of what she would be like as an animatronic at Madame Tussauds (she did win a Golden Globe so I guess what do I know about acting). Just when it looks like she’s gotten away with it, ghost Will Drake walks in on her robot-esque performance and is like “I’m back, I just got lost for a little bit is all.” So now she has to come up with a different plan to get his riches and after some thought she hatches a little scheme that involves Donovan. Nothing major, she just needs him to get Will’s rotting corpse out from the sealed up corridor and stash it someplace where the police will find it and discover that he’s dead and then she’ll get the money. She discusses this ingenious plan over dinner and Donovan is like, “yea, I’ll help you out. But I’ll need you to help me out. I blew your boyfriends face off and left him at his hotel and someone should probably go clean him up. Do we have a deal?” It turns out Donovan found out he wasn’t her one-and-only, tracked down Valentino and killed him, ironically (not really) at the same time the Countess killed Natasha. After discovering Valentino’s body she’s pissed and heads back to the Hotel to find Donovan, which she does. She walks in her room to find, what looks like, Donovan reenacting the Hotline Bling skit from Saturday Night Live. (If you haven’t seen it I suggest you YouTube it this second. I’ll give you a minute) She’s ready to kill him and he’s like “that’s how much I love you, you can kill me!” which makes no sense but Donovan has been a first class vagina this entire season so it does make sense for him. So then the Countess is like, “huh, maybe I do still like you”, and just when you think they’re about to do it in walks Liz and Iris with guns blazing.

TV Time with Typical JennTV Time with Typical Jenn“OMG, IRIS FINALLY HAD ENOUGH AND KILLED HER OWN SON?!” I thought the same thing and as happy as I was about it, because Donovan was a prick to her, that wasn’t exactly the case. So prior to Iris going gangsta she’d had a pretty rough go in life, especially with her son. After tracking Donovan down at the Hotel Cortez and watching him nearly die of an overdose, Iris decides to stay close to her now-vampire son for the rest of her life. So she takes a job as the front desk clerk at the Hotel and does everything she can to be a part of Donovan’s life. He, on the other hand, wants nothing to do with her and after the Countess dumps him he throws a big boy tantrum which included telling Iris to just kill herself, even after Iris tried to help him get away from the Countess and help him start a new life, er, afterlife, whatever. Well she’s so distraught about Donovan being such an asshole (I really did not like this kid) that she decides to kill herself; she recruits Hypodermic Sally to help her, and because Iris killed Sally, Sally is more than happy to help. Then the most least expected thing happens: Donovan interrupts her suicide attempt and turns her into a vampire so she’ll live. Why, you ask? Because being jilted sometimes makes you want revenge and he, as well as Ramona Royale (we’ll get there), needs her help to take down the Countess. Iris is down and just when she thinks it’s Go Time she discovers it was all a trick: Donovan conspires with the Countess to capture Ramona, which he does, and he locks her away in the Iron Maiden: a steal contraption used to drain victims of their blood and now, keep someone hostage. So Iris is like “oh goddamn you’re an idiot, the Countess just going to kill you.” Ramona seconds that and Donovan is like “nuh-uh”. At this point Iris has fucking had it (and so had the rest of America) so when she finds Liz attempting to kill herself (be patient, we’ll get there) she convinces her to wait and they’ll do it together. When the time comes around for them to kill themselves Iris is ready, and she’s created the world’s saddest funeral video to prove it. But Liz drops a bomb: she’s not ready to die as she has made amends with her son. Iris starts throwing a pity party when Liz basically tells her “get it together and let’s just run this place.” Their first item of business: kill the Countess. Only problem is they were completely unaware that Donovan was in her room too, so they accidentally shoot him. He manages to stay alive long enough for Liz and Iris to get him out of the Hotel, and then he finally dies. Iris mourns him, in fact she kinds of bathes in his ashes, and then it’s time to get back down to business: they need to find the Countess. Yup, she managed to survive the shooting and scamper off. Iris and Liz know they can’t kill the Countess on their own so they decide to ask Ramona Royale for help….

You mean the same Ramona that was tricked and managed to get herself locked away? Yes, that Ramona. It was a long shot, seeing as how Ramona was pissed at Iris for not releasing her sooner, but Ramona wanted to see the Countess dead just as bad as everyone else. You see, Ramona used to be a movie star. Well, a B-movie star but a movie star nonetheless. Then she met the Countess, the Countess turned her into a vampire, and her career went to shit. The Countess ends up leaving her (duh) but Ramona manages to find her true love: a man that she is just about to turn into a vampire when the Countess bursts in and kills him. Oh, and side note: these vampires, who are supposed to posses super human strength kill all their victims by using guns. So I don’t know but that just seems lazy. Anyway, Ramona moves back home in an attempt to get her vampire life back together. She’s there for 20 years before she has to kill her dad (she made him a vampire to cure his Alzheimer’s but unfortunately it just kept him in a trance-like state) and then decides to rejoin the real world. When she does she realizes that everyone has been watching her movies (for free) and she starts to get recognized which pisses her off even more because she starts to remember everything that was taken away. Now she’s ready for revenge. Soooo, after drinking the blood of a witch, who was also a human voodoo doll, she feels strong enough to kill the Countess. BUT, when she tries the Countess somehow seduces her and Ramona falls for it.  As you may have already guessed, they do it. So then afterwards the Countess leaves and right when she opens the elevator something happens that I had been waiting all goddamn season for. She. Gets. Killed. And it’s at the hands of none other than John Lowe himself, the very person she was supposed to kill. Dun, Dun, Dun! It actually wasn’t that incredible, I was just happy someone finally killed her.

But if John left the Hotel for good, why did he go back to kill the Countess? Easy. Because he believed James March kidnapped his family in an attempt to get him to finish the Ten Commandments killings, the last one being Thou Shalt Not Commit Murder. So John killed the Countess because she was a murderer, which James was super happy with because she would be trapped in the Hotel with him forever. That’s right, this whole thing is James March’s fault. Fucking everything. He built the Hotel back in the 20’s so he could have a hiding place for all of his murders. Then he married the Countess and she was cool with him being a murderer because he gave her lots of money. So one day the police find out he’d been killing tons of people and he, along with his trusty maid, decide to off themselves. Now they’re part of the Hotel forever (which the maid loves because she’s in love with James) and he can still kill people (which he loves because serial killers). So throughout the years he trains some of the most infamous serial killers how to be, well, serial killers. So he’s to blame for that too. And that’s really all there is to say about James: he’s a serial killer who still kills people even though he’s dead and helps make other people serial killers now he gets to spend eternity with the Countess because she’s dead, again.

So now we’re finally at the end. FINALLY. You ready to find out how it ends? Brace yourself: everyone lives happily ever after. I’m not joking. This show that has the word Horror in the title allows for everyone to live happily ever after. So Hypodermic Sally and Will Drake are so pissed off about being dead that they just start killing every guest that stays at the Hotel, which really puts a cramp in Iris and Liz’s business plan: keep the Hotel going long enough to become a historic monument thus making it impossible to tear down. So they have a meeting and naturally Will and Sally are like “you’re not the boss of us.” Iris finds a way to help Sally and Liz finds a way to help Drake. Starting with Sally, Iris gets her an iPhone and gets her set up on every social media site she can. Turns out Sally was just lonely and now she won’t be because she can reach out to strangers all over the world. As you may have suspected her first posts are about sadness and they’re whiny, which is just what social media needs: more people using social media as a therapist. But then she starts to post happy things, I guess, and Sally and her iPhone live happily ever after. (until the screen cracks, am I right?!)

And how does Liz help Will Drake? She takes over his business, which started falling apart shortly after he died, and gets it back on its feet. She uses his business plan to help the Hotel, which it only kind of helps. Either way, Will Drake is happy to have his business up-and-running again. There’s more about Liz but I’m saving her story for last, because like the rest of America I love her.

So what happened to everyone else? Well, the police finally discovered that John Lowe was the Ten Commandments killer and him and his family go on the lamb. It’s not working out very well so Charlotte is finally like, “we need to go home.” And by home she meant the Hotel Cortez, so they all move back in. One night John is out killing someone to get blood for his family when it turns out, the police were on to him the whole time. He tries to run back into the Hotel but is shot just feet from the front door. He tries to crawl to the door in order to die in the Hotel but the police don’t let it happen. Alex and Holden still live in the Hotel, John only sees them on Devils Night (Halloween), and Charlotte is the only one being normal, as normal as you can be with a vampire mother and brother and a dead, serial killer dad. The Countess is stuck in the Hotel forever with James March. Ramona is stuck there too because it appears as though the Countess killed her after they did it. Listen, basically just everyone lives there. Iris is trying to keep the Hotel afloat but it’s not as easy as she thought it would be. They never go into detail on what happens to the Hotel but who cares. Let’s get to Liz.

Oh Liz. The primary reason I watched this season. While everyone else was off being assholes, crazy, killers, vampires, and robots, Liz was off being fabulous. How did Liz become Liz? Well, she started out as a man living a lie. She was a married, traveling salesman who would cross-dress whenever he had the chance. One night, while staying at the Hotel Cortez, the Countess walks in on her wearing lingerie and Liz kind of freaks out. But the Countess, and I think this is the only time I liked her, comforts Liz and does something that changes her life: she transforms Liz into the goddess she was always meant to be. So Liz decides to stay at the Hotel and continue to be awesome. When she meets Tristan they begin a love affair and she believes she has found her true love. But Tristan belonged to the Countess at the time and the Countess was not cool with it, so she kills Tristan in front of Liz. From then on, Liz hates the Countess and wants her dead. At one point the pain of living without Tristan becomes too unbearable and Liz decides she wants to kill herself. Iris catches her and convinces her to take care of her unfinished business and then they’ll kill themselves together. Well, Liz’s unfinished business is reconnecting with the son she abandoned. She gets Ms. Evers (James March’s maid) to call her son and invite him to the Hotel. Side note: Ms. Evers ends her conversations with “I must away now” and now I will end all conversations like that too. Anyway, Liz’s son goes to the Hotel, manages to not get killed, and him and Liz develop a relationship which makes Liz reconsider committing suicide. After convincing Iris to do the same they agree to work on taking over the Hotel together, which they end up doing. In addition to the Hotel Liz takes over Will Drake’s business, which is all about fashion and just perfect for her. She also becomes a grandmother. Everything is coming up Milhouse for Liz when she discovers she has prostate cancer and it’s terminal. She doesn’t want to suffer so she decides to have the regulars (ghosts) of the Hotel kill her so she can stay in the Hotel forever. Just when Hypodermic Sally is about to kill her, in walks the Countess. Liz is oddly happy to see her, and the Countess reveals that Liz was always her favorite creation, and then the Countess kills her. As ghost Liz stands over her body, Tristan appears and then they live happily ever after, something he could’ve just done from the beginning.

A writer from Vanity Fair wrote that the season finale was emotional. I hope that by emotional they meant sappy. Sorry but when the show is supposed to be based around all things Horror but ends with a Brady Bunch feel, I have a problem with it. In addition, the only relevance that the title American Horror Story: Hotel had was that a bunch of lunatics lived in the Hotel. It could’ve been called American Horror Story: Halfway House and it would’ve had the same effect. And there was almost no lead up to the end, if that makes sense. It just kind of felt like the writers were told “make all of the characters happy forever” and then the writers just said “fuck it” and wrote the ending in an 7 minutes. There were things left undisclosed and it was all so abrupt. I was tricked into believing this would be a creepy season (seasons 1 and 2 were kind of creepy) but at the end of the day it was vampires, ghosts, serial killers, rainbows, unicorns and fairy tales. Like I said earlier, it wasn’t that bad when it started, but the end really took a nose dive. The next season is American Horror Story: Cabin Fever and I’m already swearing off it, even though I’ll probably watch it. Here is my prediction for the show: It’ll be a cross between ‘Freddy VS Jason’ and that old Nickelodeon show ‘Are You Afraid of the Dark’, and the season finale will just be all of them singing kumbaya around a campfire which they’ll put out with a cup of water just like the Midnight Society ended all of their ‘Are You Afraid of the Dark’ episodes. Either way I’m sure I’ll take one for the team and watch it, and then write about it. Oh, and if you’re wondering whatever happened to the vampire kids that were assholes: Ramona ate them. You’re welcome.