Author: Jennifer

Our world is a huge piece of piss. After fighting it as long as I could I’ve had to accept the fact that because of a technicality (that technicality being my birth year) I am considered a Millennial. The word alone is so obnoxious it’s enough to make me close my eyes and will a nuclear holocaust. Currently I am the human equivalent of the pained face emoji, which is something a Millennial would say, thus making this even worse. Listen to me, I’m being very whiny – another characteristic of a Millennial. Millennials aren’t ALL bad, I suppose, just don’t go trying to prove that statement correct by watching Vanderpump Rules, because you won’t find the proof there. The majority of the cast embodies just about every stereotype that drive people to hate Milliennials, and yet, I can’t quit watching it. I hate myself.

I’m not really that hateful of Millennials (me included, sometimes), just the one’s that make us look bad – like Stassi. Last season I called Stassi a satanic wizard, and I’m sticking by that. Don’t let Katie’s reign of terror fool you; Stassi is the one pulling those strings. When she’s not trying to find more evidence that Lala is dating a married man (we’ll get there) or hovering over Katie, subliminally telling her what to think, she’s working on her podcast and hanging out at SUR – like that person who still hangs out at the high school even though they’ve graduated. Stassi has a weird obsession with Katie, spending every waking moment proving her allegiance (even when it makes her look like a complete idiot) while using her to spread her evil. This year she’s joined the fight against Lala, however, I’m convinced she’s waging her own war against Scheana. Last year Scheana was worried that her and Katie would no longer be friends now that Stassi was back in the picture and even though I mocked her it turns out she may have been on to something. After Scheana decides she no longer wants to take part in the war on Lala and apologizes to her for spreading any rumors that may have been untrue, Katie, Kristen and Stassi go after her, with Stassi leading the charge. At one point everyone is enjoying Shay (Sheana’s husband) and Carter’s (Kristen’s boyfriend) “surprise” birthday party and when the girls (minus Scheana) get drunk they decide it’s the perfect time to berate her about her actions. My favorite scene is when Stassi is talking to Ariana and Scheana and they keep their cool which flusters Stassi causing her to run into the bathroom and drunkenly collapse on the floor in a dramatic set of tears, wailing to Katie that she was trying to defend her but Ariana and Scheana suck. Like I said, complete idiot. She’s so terrible, in fact, that when her mother and 11-year-old brother comes to visit HE has to tell her to mind her own business.

Katie is no better. Last year Katie decided she hated Lala when Lala went swimming, topless, in front of the guys, including Schwartz. This year Lala retaliated by mocking Katie’s weight and expressing her desire to have sex with Schwartz. And now. It’s. On. It’s not enough that Katie hate her, though, she needs everyone else to hate her too – a Katie trait that Schwartz can’t stand. But Katie is unstoppable. When she begins to run low on asshole she strokes her hair and is powered back up, ready to drunkenly yell at Schwartz for having the nerve to be reasonable about their wedding, prompting him to visit their therapist without her. Schwartz makes the mistake of telling Katie about his visit to the therapist (as well as what was discussed) after she’s had a few glasses of wine, which prompts her to make him fell guilty about it, and then she goes to the kitchen and somberly eats lettuce. Just lettuce. And as if her personality isn’t bad enough, Katie participates in the act of adult coloring with those stupid adult coloring books.

I’m not even sure where to start with Scheana. Scheana is a bit too follow-the-crowd for me: she used to just overuse popular catchphrases and words but she’s taken it up a notch – about 17 notches to be exact. (This year her favorite word to say is “literally”. Example: the day of the Orlando shootings she opted out of going to work with her excuse being she was “literally sad”. Do you mean as opposed to figuratively?) I’ve never seen someone so desperate to belong to a group before. Do the producers give out bonuses if you can stand Katie, Kristen and Stassi for more than 5-minutes? Is this some sort of Survivor challenge? Scheana has become the panhandler of the group, begging for their friendship. She’s one Katie-scolding away from standing outside her apartment holding a cardboard sign that reads: Will Sing and Dance for your Approval. Scheana has done everything the girls have wanted her to do when it comes to Lala, a fact she admits and also realizes isn’t really getting her anywhere. She might just be hanging on to her last shred of dignity, though. At the time of writing she is currently in a fight with the girls because she no longer wants to waste her time fighting with Lala, and is finally starting to see these girls for what they are: colossal assholes. Her awakening can’t come soon enough; every time she talks about her dilemmas it takes everything I have not to punch myself in the eardrums.

Here’s what Kristen is up to:

– She’s a vegan with a website

– She’s still dating Carter

– She’s fighting with everyone Katie is fighting with

That’s it. She doesn’t work at SUR anymore so her storyline is pretty much parallel to Katie’s and Stassi’s. She did have one good scene where she described her relationship with Jax as “step brother/step sister who may have slept together twice”. Lovely.

Speaking of Jax, did you know that he can predict the future like that guy who predicted the end of the world, Gandhi? Yes, Jax actually said this. He even repeated it during his interview with producers. Other than gems like that this season, so far, he’s spread gossip about his girlfriend Brittany, claiming that Kristen gave her a downstairs hello, he continued to fight with James, he had to have surgery to remove tissue from his chest that formed because of his steroid use, and he’s having a blast perpetuating the fight between Kristen, Katie and Stassi (KKS for short or this article will go on forever) and Scheana. His girlfriend Brittany fairs much better than him amongst their group. Brittany has become everyone’s confidant and does it with a smile on her face, always reserving judgement. I for one am not convinced that she’s this happy listening to all of their bullshit. For Christ’s sake there are moments where I find myself screaming at the television, but not Brittany. She keeps a smile on her face and is there for them. I predict that she eventually snaps like Ned Flanders in that episode of The Simpsons where a tornado rips through the town and only his house is destroyed, and after a failed attempt by the town to rebuild it he loses his mind on everyone and checks himself into a mental hospital. Like Kanye without the natural disaster. It’s only a matter of time before she starts ripping peoples heads off and putting them on sticks. I vote she goes for Katie first.

Speaking of chopping heads, James had his done by Lisa. Yes, the DJ has finally been fired from SUR and PUMP and now we get to see less of him. He’s managed to find work at another bar and has also managed to find a girlfriend who can stand him, primarily because it’s a long distance relationship and she only sees him when she’s on break from school. James is in love with Raquel, beaming as he explains that him and the pageant contestant have a lot in common, for example, they like to eat food. That’s pretty much their license to get married if you ask me. Ariana and Sandoval maintain a friendship with him as well as Lala, which doesn’t sit well with KKS. Why? Because they believe she’s dating a married man. Is she? Who the hell knows. She’s yet to reveal who her new boyfriend is and she keeps showing up with expensive gifts (i.e. her Range Rover) which leads the girls to believe that the rumors are true. Here’s what I do know: she’s supposed to be quitting the show which I’m OK with only because I’m sick of looking at her facial expressions. It’s as though someone is controlling pieces of her face and hits a button at random times as a joke.

And then there’s Tom 2, AKA Schwartz. How he’s continued to put up with Katie is still unknown to me; every time he voices his concerns about the wedding, or Katie yells at him, I join the nation in collectively giving him a hug. Schwartz’s entire storyline consists of him being a big ball of nerves; it’s almost depressing to watch.

Stay tuned for next week where someone will get in a fight while Brittany continues to smile like the Joker.

Holy Jesus on a stick! First, if you’re reading my American Horror Story posts, I thank you. But I do have to say, for Christ sake watch it. Or keep reading my posts and then watch it, either way. But watch it.

We begin with 3 kids searching for the Roanoke house during the blood moon while filming their excursion. While talking about their pictures and videos going viral they see a woman stumbling around, lost and bleeding. They follow her to help her and are led to a wrecked car; it’s Diana’s car with her body in it! They call the cops and the cops don’t find a body or believe the kids, just like in Scooby Doo.

Back in grown up land fake-Shelby and real-Lee are giving Dillon the low down on the house. So Sydney paid Dillon to dress up as the pig-man to scare everyone, but fake-Shelby lets him know they’re plenty scared already because the Roanoke story is real and everyone is dead. They give him a tour of the house, particularly of all the dead bodies. Real-Shelby tells Dillon that fake-Lee is still out there so Dillon, who was in the military, heads out to go find her with fake-Shelby and real-Lee behind him. They make it to the Polk’s farm and Dillon comes up with a plan: he’s going to get the Polk’s truck while fake-Shelby and real-Lee go find fake-Lee. Real-Lee has another plan: Fake-Shelby can go rescue fake-Lee while she retrieves the tapes, to which fake-Shelby responds “OK but I’m not fucking around, if we’re in that truck and you’re not we’re leaving you.”

Ready… Break! Real-Lee heads into the barn she was held captive in while fake-Shelby heads to the barn where she was held captive at. Fake-Shelby finds fake-Lee and rescues her; as they’re headed out, in walks Ishmel (Polk son). He’s a little peeved that they killed Mama Polk and starts to go on and on about how he’s going to kill them and he’s going to kill them slowly and everyone will die and then fake-Shelby responds with a gun shot to the head! It turns out fake-Shelby isn’t so bad after all. Meanwhile real-Lee retrieves her precious confession. The truck starts and fake-Shelby and fake-Lee book it to the truck; unfortunately the last Polk boy gets to Dillon and the truck before the women do and stabs Dillon, then freaks the fuck out when he sees the ghost mob, gets in the truck and leaves. Fake-Shelby and fake-Lee manage to make it back to the house. Fake-Shelby is convinced that real-Lee is dead because, as she explains it, real-Lee would’ve never left the tapes that implicate them in the murder of the Polk family. Fake-Lee decides to watch the tape to see what’s on it and there it is, REAL-LEE’S CONFESSION! ANNDDDD, while they’re watching the tape we’re shown scenes of real-Lee crawling to get away from something. That something is the Witch, and the Witch kills a pig, feeds the heart to real-Lee and real-Lee is now evil. Meanwhile fake-Shelby and fake-Lee go into fake-Shelby’s room and start drinking and bullshitting, preparing for the final night of the blood moon.

Don’t worry, the kids’ plot line isn’t over. They’re still in the woods looking for the house, at night, under the blood moon. They see someone standing in the woods; it’s real-Lee, only not real-Lee. Todd (one of the kids) walks over to her and starts to gush like a super fan to which real-Lee (AKA new Butcher, I guess?) responds by killing him with her new butcher knife. The other 2 get out of there and find themselves at the production trailer, where they’re met by a still alive Dillon, only they’re scared and push Dillon away and lock themselves in the trailer. They’re watching the monitors and can see real, evil-Lee heading to the house so they decide to head to the house and try and save fake-Shelby and fake-Lee. I think you have an idea how this turned out.

Back in fake-Shelby’s room fake-Shelby and fake-Lee are discussing real-Lee when they hear something outside the room; they walk outside and there she is, possessed-Lee. Fake-Lee starts laying into her about how she knows she’s a murderer and she ain’t scared of her… and then possessed-Lee pushes fake-Lee from the top of the stairs and fake-Lee is impaled and eventually dies. Fake-Shelby manages to fight her off and escape. She heads to the cellar where possessed-Lee catches up with her, slashes her and then kicks her into the cellar and shuts the door.

The remaining 2 kids have made it to the house and are hiding in the bushes watching the Butcher disembowel Dillon. They turn to run but possessed-Lee is right behind them and captures them. They get to die the grossest death. Yea, worse than Dillon. They both get impaled on a piece of wood from their backside, are stood up and burned alive.

It’s the next day and the cops finally arrive only to find corpses all over the place. They find real-Lee, still alive and done being possessed, and she freaks out when she sees them. They help her to the cop car, sit her down, and from a distance the cellar door is seen opening. The cops run over to the cellar and fake-Shelby has survived; she crawls out and one of the cops grab her and they start walking to the cop car. Real-Lee is happy to see her but fake-Shelby knows what’s up. She yells at real-Lee calling her a murderer, grabs the cops gun, aims it at real-Lee and…… THE COPS SHOOT FAKE-SHELBY! The final line being “the suspect is down.”

So it appears as though I misjudged real-Lee, turns out she’s a real mother fucker. How big of a mother fucker? We’ll find out next week on the season finale. I’m trying not to get my hopes up because the last episode is usually the one where I get tricked and I whine about it until the next season.

 

This show is really starting to kill them off which makes for a good game of Who’s Next? Let’s start with fake-Matt and real-Shelby: they’re freaking out about the real-Butcher and decide to try and escape going through the tunnel. They don’t get far because the spider-like Chen’s start chasing them. They head back into the house where they’re met by the pig-man and the nurses, and even though a chandelier falls and hits real-Shelby in the ankle, they manage to escape and make it to fake-Shelby’s room. They go into the bathroom and real-Shelby has lost all hope. Fake-Matt is trying to comfort her and convince her that they’re going to make it out, but with real-Matt real dead real-Shelby doesn’t feel as though there’s anything left for her and so she SLITS HER OWN THROAT!

Back to real-Lee who is slowly being eaten alive by Mama Polk and her son Jetherd or Jether, I don’t know, some hillbilly name like that. Real-Lee tries to scare her by saying she’ll get caught and Mama Polk is like “lol, we’re in cahoots with the cops”, just as real-Lee suspected. Mama Polk leaves and real-Lee and Jetherd get to talking; he offers her some cocaine because she’s going to get cut some more and she accepts because what’s the point of being sober now. Before she gets cut up some more she tells Jetherd she wants to see her daughter and has him pull a picture of Flora out of her back pocket. She then requests to talk to her so Jetherd records her final message to Flora, which includes the usual: I love you, a few positive affirmations, and that SHE KILLED MASON! It’s just one bombshell after another in this episode. Then she pretends to seduce Jetherd so he unties her, then she kills him and escapes.While she used her smarts to get out, fake-Lee and fake-Shelby are being fucked with by Mama Polk and her other boys and all fake-Lee and fake-Shelby can do is cry and beg for mercy. You’re not going to get that from the Polk’s; instead you’ll get your teeth taken which is what they plan to do to fake-Lee and fake-Shelby. They start with fake-Lee but the pliers and the chair she is tied to breaks so while one of the Polk brothers leaves to grab another pair of pliers, the other Polk stands up fake-Lee who whips his ass. She then tries to untie fake-Shelby but can hear Mama Polk coming back so she leaves. Mama Polk sends her son to go get fake-Lee and then takes fake-Shelby’s tooth. Mama Polk is about to take another tooth when real-Lee comes in and clubs her, and real-Shelby finishes the job and bashes her head in. Bashed in heads is very trendy on this season of American Horror Story.

Anyway, they make it back to the house through the tunnel and real-Lee finds real-Matt’s real dead body. Fake-Shelby convinces her to keep moving and they make it to fake-Shelby’s room where she has some meds for real-Lee. Fake-Shelby goes into the bathroom where she sees real dead real-Shelby and real-Lee joins her in the bathroom. Fake-Matt tells them what happened with real-Shelby and real-Matt, which they don’t believe so they kick him out of the room. Fake-Matt finally gets his comeuppance when real pig-man kills him. Fake-Shelby and real-Lee survive the night. Real-Lee wants to go back to the Polk farm to retrieve the tape that recorded the killings, but also to get back her recorded confession. They head to the front door, open it and there’s the pig-man. Fake-Shelby clubs him and it turns out it’s not the pig-man, it’s someone named Dillon. WHO IS DILLON? WHO IS GOING TO SURVIVE? WHERE IS FAKE-LEE? DID SHE LIVE? I don’t know, we have to wait for Wednesday. This may have seemed like a short episode but there was mainly a lot of talking before killings and tooth-taking and such. Also, I’ve decided I’m cheering for real-Lee, but with the luck I’ve had with this show the one survivor will probably be an extra who played Villager #4 that only appeared in the background of one episode.

I’m going to take you back, back to when worlds collide and fake-Matt and real-Matt get into a fight. Sydney is watching the madness go down from the production trailer when the new assistant, Alyssa, walks in with dinner. While Sydney is eating he misses something on the screen, but the cameraman sees it: Rory being murdered by the nurses. Suddenly they hear a scream. Sydney walks outside to investigate and in his final act of asshole he calls the cameraman outside and has him get Alyssa, whose throat has been slashed and is dying, on camera. Sydney gets his, though, because Agnes pops out from the bushes and stabs him in the stomach and then kills the cameraman. She’s completely lost it and thinks she’s the Butcher.

Meanwhile, fake-Shelby is looking for Rory. Matt tries to remind her that, hello he’s dead, but nobody believes him and they all start searching for Rory. Fake-Matt finds real blood but fake-Shelby is still in denial about him being dead, instead believing that he left her because he couldn’t handle their age gap.

Back to Agnes who has completely lost her mind and is talking into the dead cameraman’s camera. She switches between realizing what she’s done and speaking gibberish in her Butcher voice. She’s finally silenced by the flame on her torch going out and the sound of chanting; when she re-ignites it she’s surrounded by those hanging stick things and she freaks out.

Back in the house fake-Matt is hitting on real-Shelby and real-Matt walks in on it. He tells fake-Matt he can have her and walks off diva style. Fake-Matt heads into the confessional and tells America what his agenda is: He’s there to make TV great again by being the bad guy, ruining his cast-mates lives and helping the show get good ratings. He’s OK with this because he thinks it’ll lead to more lead roles and, as he puts it, “what’s more important than screen time?”

While fake-Matt is busy bragging about being a super dick, real-Shelby is up in her room crying. She pauses for a moment when she sees a camera (dead cameraman’s camera) and while scoping it out crazy Agnes pops out from the bathroom and attacks her. She slashes real-Shelby’s shoulder and just when she’s about to finish the job fake-Matt tackles Agnes and manages to knock her out. He helps real-Shelby but when he looks back Agnes is gone. Fake-Shelby helps bandage up real-Shelby and then real-Matt joins in the fun. Real-Lee is trying to get help but all the phone lines have been cut and nobody knows Sydney and everyone is dead so they can’t figure out why nobody has sent help. Real- and fake-Lee decide to go get help and there’s no need to worry because real-Lee has a real gun to protect herself. I like real-Lee. Fake-Shelby joins them and they all take the secret tunnel to get out. Halfway through they see something and real-Lee thinks it’s Edward and he can probably help them; whatever it is does not seem like it’s willing to help because it screams at them, real-Lee shoots it and then they run. They manage to make it out of the tunnel and begin looking for the production trailer. They eventually find it as well as the bodies of Sydney, Alyssa the new assistant and the cameraman. Fake-Shelby starts freaking out and then has the best line: “I’m not American, I’m not used to all this carnage.” Touche. Suddenly crazy Agnes charges at them but real-Lee does not fuck around and shoots her. They start to head back to the house when they see villagers approaching and run for it. Real-Shelby decides to leave a video message for Rory just in case but it isn’t necessary, she can just tell him herself because after a few drops of blood fall on her face she looks up and dead-Rory is strung up in the trees. Fake-Shelby starts with the tears again but they don’t have time for that because someone or a bunch of someone’s are coming for them. They run, hide, and get caught, like all horror stories. Meanwhile Agnes is back in her lair removing the bullet and she’s probably the real Butcher because she doesn’t die.

Real-Matt and real-Shelby are asleep when something wakes him up and in a trance-like state he heads to the basement; fake-Matt sees him and follows him. Turns out real-Matt was summoned by the Witch and when fake-Matt sees what they’re up to he heads upstairs, wakes up real-Shelby and takes her down to the basement so she can see them as well. She finds them having sex, grabs a crowbar and knocks the Witch (who is 150 times more grotesque than in the reenactment, like most reality shows) off of him and then tries to get real-Matt to leave with her, to which he replies: “she’s the reason I came back here, I’m in love with her.” You don’t say that to a woman holding a crowbar, which real-Shelby proves by bashing real-Matt’s head in! She killed him!! And fake-Matt just stands there until he’s fully dead!! You know what, if the Witch was as powerful as claimed in the show why didn’t she just kill real-Shelby and fake-Matt and keep real-Matt? Probably because it’s not as crazy as REAL-SHELBY KILLING REAL-MATT!

So the Lee’s and fake-Shelby have been captured by the Polk family; fake-Lee and fake-Shelby are in one room, real-Lee is in another. Let’s start with real-Lee: they cut her pant leg and then start to cut pieces of her leg for consumption. Those pieces are then fed to fake-Lee and fake-Shelby.

Meanwhile real-Shelby is in shock and is now starting to realize what she’s done and needs fake-Matt’s help. But that fake-Matt, let me tell you, he’s one real son of a bitch; he tells Shelby she needs to turn herself in and that he tried to stop her but couldn’t. So yea, he’s really gunning for his own spin-off. Fake-Matt and his fake compassion are interrupted when he hears something outside; he looks out the window and it’s crazy Agnes. Agnes goes off on a tangent about God knows what because I can’t understand her and then the real-villagers join her. She thinks they’re all in cahoots when who makes their debut? The real-Butcher, who’s about 95 times more terrifying looking than Agnes was when she played the Butcher. So Agnes thinks they can be buds because that’s her idol but there can only be one Butcher and the real-Butcher slices Agnes’ head in half, and NOW she’s dead. I’ll begrudgingly admit, I’m getting more and more interested in this series as it progresses. I’m taking it as a reward for investing in the first 5 painful weeks.

Well, well, well, it looks as though I may have to eat my words because American Horror Story is turning itself around, and not a moment too soon because I was just about to hurl my TV through a window. We are now entering phase 2 of this saga; now that My Roanoke Nightmare (title of the reality show we’ve just spent 5 weeks hating) has wrapped the producer, Sydney, is now working on the follow up series. His new reality show is going to be called Return to Roanoke: 3 Days in Hell and his plan is to have worlds collide by having both the actors and the real people from the original show stay in the death house during the blood moon and film them freaking out. He pitches this to the suits at the network but they have a few concerns, one being that some viewers are pissed that Mason’s (Lee’s ex-husband) killer was never revealed and other viewers are pissed because they think Lee killed him and got away with it. Nonetheless Sydney convinces them to go through with the show and immediately gets to work.

He begins by interviewing Shelby, er, the real Shelby, who  agreed to do the show because she was getting harassed by people who didn’t believe her story, but has one stipulation: Dominic Banks, the actor who played Matt, cannot be there. Why? Because her and Matt are getting a divorce because she had a weekend fling with Dominic. Sydney sympathetically agrees but that wouldn’t make for a good show so he casts Dominic anyway. At the house the crew is installing cameras everywhere as well as installing set ups around the house that are meant to scare the cast. You see, Sydney doesn’t believe their story or that these ghosts actually exist so he’s going to make sure he scares the shit out of them any way he can. His assistant Diana doesn’t like the idea of setting up the cast but Sydney has a goal of putting pressure on the real people to confess that it wasn’t real as well as get Lee to confess that she killed Mason. They continue to work when a crew member stops them to look at a circle of fetal pigs that someone left behind a tree.

Sydney’s next interview is with Agnes, the woman who played the Butcher on the show. Apparently after the show wrapped Agnes lost her mind and ran down Hollywood BLVD in full Butcher character screaming nonsense and swinging a butcher knife at people, slashing a bystander. Sydney believes that crazy Agnes is the one behind the fetal pigs stunt and the whole reason for the interview is to let her know she won’t be doing the show and to document production serving her with a restraining order. As Sydney and Diana-the-assistant leave Agnes runs out and starts screaming something about smiting them (using her Butcher voice), which Sydney likes because he wants her to show up to the set and continue with the crazy.

Meanwhile the real Lee does an interview with E! News to talk about the new season and explain her reasons for agreeing to do the show: clear her name and to get paid. Sydney, Diana-the-assistant and an exec watch the interview and discuss what they need to do to stay out of trouble in case Lee kills again and fake-Lee (played by a woman named Monet) starts drinking because she’s an alcoholic. Ironically while they’re talking lawsuits and staying out of trouble, Sydney gets a phone call from a crew member: another crew member has accidentally sawed their own head off. Sydney and Diana-the-assistant head to the set where, after evaluating the situation, Sydney decides the show must go on. This doesn’t sit well with Diana the assistant so she decides she’s done with the show and leaves. While driving away she sees someone in the road, changes direction and then the pig-man (the real pig-man) pops out from the backseat like an urban legend and grabs her and she crashes and she’s dead. She did manage to record the whole thing which police find three months later, but her body is still missing. So that’s the end of Diana-the-assistant.

It’s time to be introduced to more of the actors who played the real life Roanoke Nightmare individuals. Meet Audrey, an English woman who played Shelby and is married to Rory, the actor who played Edward. Sydney has set up a confessional which Audrey (I’m just going to call her fake-Shelby) is using to tell her and Rory’s story: they met on set, got married in a wedding that looked like a skit you’d see on SNL, and even though Rory is up for a movie that’ll keep him away for a while, she explains that she 100% trusts him while wearing the world’s worst poker face, and thus ends her confessional. Fake-Shelby and Rory head downstairs to explore and see something in the window. It’s Agnes (fake-Butcher). Agnes breaks the window, Rory and fake-Shelby run for the door but when they open it they’re greeted by the majority of the cast, and Sydney. Fake-Shelby and Rory tell Sydney about Agnes and fake-Shelby is convinced that little old Agnes is after her because she won an award called a Saturn and Agnes did not.

Everyone has convened in the living room where real-Shelby congratulates fake-Shelby and Rory on their marriage, following that up with “it’s never too late”, which makes fake-Shelby flip out because she’s self-conscious about being older than Rory. This caused me to officially be annoyed with real-and-fake Shelby. Real-Matt and real-Lee join the party and now Sydney can give them their cameras so they can document every waking moment. Kind of like that Facebook live bullshit but their deaths will be viewed later. Real-Shelby isn’t interested in cameras, she’s interested in apologizing to real-Matt who wants nothing to do with her. Real-Lee yells at real-Shelby for being a real asshole and then they all storm off. And then dick fake-Shelby chimes in and brags about how she nailed playing the real-Shelby, calling her pathetic. Jerk. Actor high-fives all around. Fake-Lee, fake-Shelby and Rory head to the kitchen and start gossiping; they all think the real people’s story is bullshit with Rory making the comment that they filmed in the house for 8-weeks and nothing happened. Real-Matt walks in on his comment and is like “yea assholes you were here in the Summer, look out the window.” And there it is, the blood moon. Still, the actors are dildos about it. Then, a message from the producers: over the next 3 days everyone in the series died except for one person, so now you HAVE to watch it. Which is fine because it’s finally getting interesting. Fun fact: the show never aired (in pretend) so we’re watching (or the fake viewers are watching) found footage. Leading me to think as well as hope it’s not like a Blair Witch Project type thing.

Anyway, real-Matt goes to his room, looking like the human equivalent of a ASPCA commercial. Rory and fake-Shelby film themselves doing it, fake-Lee pours herself a stiff one, real-Lee heads to the kitchen and real, dead-Mason walks behind her. Real-Shelby sneaks into real-Matt’s room; she tries to get romantic and he responds with: “we shouldn’t be here, we’re probably going to die this time.”

Meanwhile fake-Lee is real drunk and has stumbled into the kitchen where real-Lee is having a meal. Real-Lee offers her support to which fake-Lee replies “playing you is the reason I’m a drunk” and then she talks shit about killing Mason, which real-Lee denies.

Back in sad, real-Matt’s room real-Shelby is trying to convince him to leave and go home when they’re interrupted by a knock at the front door. Real-Shelby answers it and it’s fake-Matt, her weekend fling. Worlds collide: real-Matt comes face-to-face with fake-Matt and they get into a real fight that Rory ends up breaking it up.

While all of this is happening fake-Shelby is upstairs taking a shower. She gets out, looks in the mirror and the pig-man is standing right behind her. She runs out screaming, the gang comforts her while Rory runs upstairs to find out who’s behind the pig-man stunt. He searches all over ending with a closet; he closes the doors, turns around and is hacked to death by the real, dead-nurses. I have to say, it’s nice to see what the ghosts really look like, you know? Coincidentally, while Rory is being killed, real-Matt just happens to walk by the dead-nurses kill-room when he sees they’ve finally finished spelling out the word MURDER. I think it’s important to accomplish goals. Real-Matt walks into the kitchen and very REDRUM-like he looks at everyone and says “R is for Rory”. I haven’t 100% warmed to anyone yet so I’m not cheering for anyone’s survival, although I will say that knowing only one person survives and that at least one of the Shelby’s will get whacked is enough to cheer for.

I don’t know about the rest of you but I’ve about had it with Matt and Shelby and at this point I’ve begun cheering for the villagers, but before we pick up where we left off we’re first given the answer to a question nobody was asking (or at least I wasn’t): where the house came from. In 1792 an extremely wealthy man named Edward Pillipe Mautt bought the lot and had the house built so he could be alone with his art. Long story short his art was defiled one night so he threw a tantrum, punished his servants (who didn’t do it, obviously) by locking them in the cellar AND THEN the Butcher and her people kill him and the servants in the cellar die. So there’s that.

So back to the mob. Matt calls 911 for the 237th time to save them from the ghost mob but they’re out in the middle of nowhere so the cops won’t be arriving any time soon. The Butcher makes a reasonable offer: if they come out now she’ll kill them quickly. Since Shelby and Matt are selfish they come up with a different plan: Matt’s going to go outside first and create a diversion like a Saved by the Bell episode while Shelby and Flora run to the truck. So they go ahead with this sure fire plan but before they get to the stairwell a ghost girl that has taken on the mannerisms of a spider (I think it’s one of the Chen’s) grabs Flora and trots off. That’s not the only part of their plan that goes awry: the villagers have set Matt and Shelby’s cars on fire. The spider girl eventually sets Flora down, Matt and Shelby get her back but are now surrounded by the pig-man and the three hunters. They miraculously escape and make it to the basement. Anyone else would be dead by now but THEY manage to continue to flee.

Down in the basement they meet Edward who helps them escape via a secret tunnel, leads them into the woods and then disappears. So now Matt, Shelby and Flora are on their own but not to worry because their friends’ the Polk family kidnaps them. You remember them, the hillbillies who lost the bid on the house. Matt, Shelby and Flora are taken to the Polk’s home where they discover that Elias is alive and being used as food for the Polk’s. Look, there’s not a grocery store for miles so what exactly do you want them to do? Unfortunately for Elias he wasn’t very edible so they kill him by bashing his head in. Mama Polk then explains that she has a deal with the Butcher: she brings them victims to sacrifice and in return the Butcher leaves them alone.

Meanwhile Lee is wrapping up her 48 hours of questioning regarding her dead ex-husband and is finally out of custody. But while she’s jacking around at the police station Matt, Shelby and Flora are being driven to the Butcher via the Polk’s. Seated in the bed of the truck and with a rifle pointed at his face Matt comes up with another genius plan: he decides to wrestle away the gun from the Polk boy, which causes him to accidentally shoot the other Polk boy (who’s driving), which allows Shelby to kick the once gun-wielding Polk brother out of the truck, which allows them all to escape, but then they get caught by the not-dead Polk boy. Mama Polk is mad and to make sure they don’t run again she smashes Shelby’s ankle and delivers all of them to the Butcher.

While all of this is going on Lee manages to get an officer to drive her back to the house where she arrives just in time to watch everyone get whacked. She tells the officer to call for backup and in a wonderful display of nope he responds by driving off. Flora is first on the hit list but before they get a chance to kill her the Butcher’s son has a sudden change of heart and stops the killing by clubbing the Butcher and then grabbing her and jumping into their bonfire, killing them both, even though they’re already dead. Just bare with me, I promise this episode is almost over. So Edward reappears and unties Matt and Shelby, and then the pig-man charges at Flora but Lee found a car, hit him with it and they all flee. And they all lived and Shelby will never get over it and good God we’re only half way through the season.

We begin this episode with Matt’s one-man show of “I don’t remember having sex with that woman”. After an Academy Award winning performance Shelby believes him and starts to calm down. She heads to the bathroom to take a shower, opens the shower curtain and standing there, ready to attack, is the pig-man. It chases her throughout the house, Matt tackles it, then it chases both of them, and then a man comes out of nowhere and hits it with an ax. Surprise! The hero is Elias, the crazy guy from the tapes. The pig-man stands up, Elias yells croatoan and the pig-man disappears. They all settle in while Elias pours himself a tall one and begins to explain what croatoan means and who he is. So croatoan is basically a word of dark magic. Elias was the owner of the house and the only reason he never sold it was because he didn’t want anyone else to buy it and meet their demise. BUT, he couldn’t pay the taxes on it so it went into foreclosure and was eventually auctioned off. Matt thinks he’s a liar and begins to throw him out when Elias starts going through a list of things he knows about the house, the majority of which being occurrences that have happened to Matt and Shelby. To further prove he’s not insane, or trying to get the house back, he takes them down to the basement and shows them a book that serves as a log of all of the paranormal activity that’s happened in the house. Apparently this place has been making people disappear since the 1700s. A few of the stories include an Asian family, the Chen’s, who bought the house in the 70s, were haunted by pigs and the pig-man and were all eventually killed by the Butcher and her mob; the psychotic sister nurses, Bridget and Miranda, who in fact did not just up-and-disappear but were also killed by the Butcher and her posse; and then there were 3 hunters who stayed in the house and ended up blowing each others heads off.

Elias then gives them the low down on the hauntings and killings: the spirits can haunt at any time but they can only kill during the first lunar cycle in October. From the first quarter moon to the blood moon it’s 6 fun-filled days of killing. Oh, also, the first quarter moon is supposed to rise that very night so it’s time to get the hell out of there. Because Shelby is an idiot she doesn’t believe him, and even though she’s seen just about everything he’s described she thinks he just wants the house back. Matt doesn’t want to leave either but only because he doesn’t want to leave Flora. In an attempt to comfort Matt, Elias responds with “if she’s with the Butcher she’s as good as dead.” Shelby tells him Flora is actually with Priscilla, whom Elias just happens to know so he takes them to her.

They arrive at a location where all the spirits hang out and Shelby still doesn’t believe him until… huh, what’s that over there Shelby? It appears to be a circle of dead people and a not-dead Flora running around in the middle of them. Matt recognizes Priscilla as the little girl who led them to the cellar, which led them to find the Elias tapes. You can see the wheels turning in Matt’s head as he tries to piece it all together, AND THEN! There she is, the woman Matt had sex with. Matt stands there, locked in a trance while Shelby starts to chase her. And of course, she gets lost in the woods… and here come the spirits. Just as the three dead hunters start making their appearance Elias grabs Shelby and they run back to Matt who is watching Flora play with all of the spirits. Matt tries to get her but since Elias is the chosen one he stops Matt so that he (Elias) can get her. Elias calls out to Priscilla and just as he begins negotiations a horn sounds drawing everyone’s attention. And then BAM! Elias gets lit up with arrows.

So Elias is dead, Flora is still with the spirits, and all Matt and Shelby can do is run to the house where they are greeted by Cricket. His monologue goes something like this: “Are you guys done fucking around because you would’ve gotten Flora back by now if you hadn’t made me look like an asshole to the Butcher by not leaving when you said you would, jerks.” Now that it looks like things can’t get any worse, Shelby is finally ready to do whatever she needs to get Flora back, to which Cricket replies “uh yea, the Butcher isn’t interested.” Thanks to Matt and Shelby Cricket now has to figure out another way to get Flora back. He heads back into the woods and returns hours later with even more reasons why they need to get the hell out of that place. His story is as follows: while out in the woods he meets a woman, a woman he says is stronger than the Butcher. This woman is Matt’s fling and also she’s a witch. She blows some mystical powder in Cricket’s face but before she can kill him he starts telling her everything he knows about her and, in a last ditch effort to get her to spare his life, offers her the one thing she’s been wanting since the last episode: Matt. This pleases the witch so she discloses the secret past of the colony. They begin to stroll down memory lane, literally. As in he’s taken back in time and sees it all for himself.

Here’s the deal: the house and the land is the site of the lost colony of Roanoke, except they were never really lost. When the Butcher moved them they were considered lost, or nobody could find their new location, or they became invisible, I don’t know. They just weren’t lost, OK? Anyway, the land was known to them as the “horn of plenty”, a place where there was never a shortage of food, they had everything they wanted and the place was practically perfect. Kind of like heaven except not at all like heaven because in order to maintain that bliss the Butcher had to make human sacrifices to.. well, I’m not sure who but she just did. Eventually her son got tired of being evil and turned the entire colony against her. I need to wrap this up. So the Witch tells her to condemn them to the land, the Butcher kills them all and then the Witch kills the Butcher and they’re all dead and stuck there the end.

Since Cricket and the Witch are BFFs now she also showed him a spell that would put down the Butcher and her posse, which either means that the script writers got lazy or it’s a trick. Armed with a plan Cricket takes an Uber back to his hotel room but they don’t get very far because Flora runs in front of the car and Cricket gets out to chase after her. Back at the house Matt and Shelby are still waiting on Cricket who’s now been gone for several hours. They both dose off and after a few hours Matt wakes up and heads outside. He hears someone in the cellar, investigates and discovers it’s his beloved Witch. She seduces Matt and this time he’s super into it AND remembers, but right before the do it Shelby wakes up, walks outside and starts screaming for Matt because she can see the Butcher and the villagers approaching the house. Matt snaps out of it and runs to Shelby where they both see that the Butcher has Flora. Flora’s about to get whacked when Priscilla hits the Butcher and Flora escapes. Matt and Shelby take Flora inside and ask her if she’s OK, but all she can say is “the man, the man”. The man she’s referring to is Cricket, and right before their eyes the Butcher disembowels him. Once he’s dead the Butcher points at Matt and Shelby and gives them a ‘you’re next’ look. The moral of this episode is don’t help Matt and Shelby.

In case you were wondering, pieces of Flora were not in her sweater. I promise. The episode began with the police (who at this point have become main characters) retrieving the sweater from the tree. Lee confirms the sweater is Flora’s and the cops are completely over this family so their reaction is pretty much “cool” and now Lee thinks the cops are in cahoots with the hillbillies. Matt, Shelby and Lee continue to look for Flora and eventually come across more traces of her; they find Flora’s doll, er, the body of her doll with a pig head in place of the doll head. I take back what I said earlier; dead pigs are now main characters in the show. Anyway, they keep searching and eventually arrive at a house with a welcome mat made up of a decapitated pig with Flora’s doll head in place of the pigs head. They search the house sans any sort of weapon; luckily, with the exception of dead animal parts, flies and maggots, the house appears to be abandoned. They begin screaming for Flora and get a response that is coming from a nearby barn. The trio walk into the barn and find two young boys drinking milk from a pig. If you think reading that was gross you should’ve seen the actual scene.

The kids are taken into custody and the social worker tries to get the boys to talk by feeding them candy. Unfortunately for her this method doesn’t work as the only word the kids can say/scream is croatoan. Mason shows up at the police station and they all go back to the house where he then accuses Lee of hiding Flora in an attempt to run off with her. They squabble, Mason pushes Lee and then he leaves. The gang, minus Mason, tries to get some sleep but the entire property is haunted, a fact that they’ve yet to accept, and of course, Matt is awakened by a phone call. This time it’s the cops calling him; they inform him they’ve found something and he should probably head over to their location. Matt wakes up Shelby and together with Lee they meet up with the cops where they’re treated to a visual of the charred remains of Mason. After heading back home Matt notices a missed notification from his security system; it appears that when Mason left the house Lee followed behind him and didn’t return for 4 hours. Soooo….. After watching the video Shelby believes that yoga-hating Lee killed Mason and expresses her feelings to Matt, naturally Lee walks in just in time to hear her. The three of them begin to argue which prevents them from being aware of the little man who has let himself in the house. He introduces himself as a medium named Cricket and says that he was sent by a spirit to help get Flora back. He walks through the house and stops at Flora’s hiding place, telling everyone that Flora is alive and is with Priscilla. Later that evening they perform a seance to try and reach Priscilla but instead they get the Butcher.

The Butcher tells Cricket that the land is hers and she needs to protect it so everyone needs to piss off. When he tries to tell her the land isn’t hers she responds by blowing out the windows in the room, to which Cricket responds by yelling croatoan and then the Butcher disappears. Oh, the Butcher is the woman in the old-timey clothing that tried to kill Shelby, and is also the woman Shelby hit with her car. Anyway, he tells the gang that the spirits have Flora, he knows how to get her back and can retrieve her for the low, low price of $25K. They call him a fraud and kick him out but before he leaves he whispers to Lee “Emily says hi and she wonders why you quit looking for her all those years.” So get this, Emily was Lee’s first daughter whom went missing years prior. Her ex-husband is dead and she’s managed to misplace two daughters, nothing suspicious about that.

The next day Lee pays Cricket a visit and offers up the cash to get Flora back. He lets her know that it won’t be that simple because this Butcher character is no joke. Here’s the story on the Butcher: apparently back in the day she was married to the governor who put her in charge while he was away and a few guys (including her own son) didn’t like it so they conspired against her and put a metal cage over her head and left her to die in the woods. Just as she’s about to get killed by a wild pig a woman appears out of nowhere, kills the pig and then gives the pigs heart to the Butcher for consumption. The Butcher eats it and turns evil. She heads back to the camp and starts killing the men who betrayed her; the ones she doesn’t kill pledge their allegiance to her and she moves the entire colony to the area in the woods that the house was eventually built on. And THAT’S why the land is hers, Cricket!

So the Scooby gang convenes in the woods and Cricket once again tries to conjure up Priscilla. Instead he gets the Butcher only this time she came with a posse. Cricket tells the Butcher that if she gives Flora back everyone will leave the property and Lee chimes in with an offer to burn the house down, which makes Shelby lose it. Lee tells Shelby that her and Matt decided on burning the house down, Shelby is about to yell at Matt but he’s conveniently disappeared. Shelby searches for him and catches him having sex with the woman who turned the Butcher evil. Shelby runs back to the house, followed later by Matt who arrives to find cop cars and and a pissed off Shelby. She questions him about the woman and he responds with “whhaaa, I don’t know what you’re talking about”. Typical. And then the cops take Lee away, Matt asks Shelby “what did you do?”, to which Shelby replies “I don’t know what you’re talking about”. (Drops the mic) The end.