This Month I Said…

We’ve all done it. We all dwell on it. There are even ridiculous amounts of memes dedicated to it. It’s an epidemic that we’ve let affect us for too long.

I’m talking about foot-in-mouth incidents and today, I take a stand against the effects these misfortunes have on me. Today, I will free myself from the shackles of shame. Today, I share with you the things I said during the month of July. There are only 2 of them because I literally just decided yesterday that I would do this and these 2 were the only ones I could remember. I need to get better at writing things down. Anyway, let’s begin.

At the beginning of the month, our neighbor invited my husband and I over for dinner. We’re always down to not cook so we gladly accepted. Now, we don’t really hang out with our neighbors very much, even though we’ve known them for a long time and I also used to work for the husband. You remember him; he’s the right-wing conspiracy theorist. Anyway, we don’t spend a lot of time with them and we also don’t have kids (they do) so conversation, especially for someone socially awkward like me, isn’t the easiest thing to partake in. The wife is actually really awesome, I just don’t know what to talk to her about.

Well, I’m not sure how I did it but I miraculously steered the conversation towards a topic I know very well: the show My 600lb Life. Yes, I watch the shit out of that show and know all their business. By the way, am I the only one who gets annoyed when they lie to Dr. Now about what they eat? Like when they’re supposed to lose 50lbs but gain 80lbs and are like “but I only eat chicken and vegetables” even though we saw them eat 4 pizzas for dinner?

OK, back to my story.

So we’re talking about My 600lb Life, for some reason, and I say “the ones who take the program serious blow me away. Some of their transformations are amazing; I saw one lady who got down to like 140lbs!”

The wife replied, “that’s smaller than me.”

Then I said, “yeah!”

Then I awkwardly laughed.

I didn’t even hear what she said until after I responded! My brain sometimes does this really fucked up thing where it’ll process someone’s words after I’ve already replied with the most inappropriate response possible. I tried to backtrack but as you know, that’s impossible without making shit more awkward. So, I just put it in my “remind me about this when I’m feeling good about myself” reserve and called it a day.

AND THEN…..

So I just took on another client: a local bar that’s staffed with a bunch of 20-year-olds, one who wants to be a Kardashian. Nonetheless, their pictures do great on social media so I photograph them every chance I get. Welllll…..

Yesterday I took a picture of one of them and it took us several takes before I captured one that she approved of. And by “approved of” I mean it was the only one that she didn’t say no to right away.

As I stood there waiting for her thumbs up, I told her “don’t worry, I’m going to use a bunch of filters and stuff.”

I didn’t mean it that way!! I was trying to put her mind at ease, not tell her that the only way she would look presentable was if I made her look like a completely different person.

Baaahhhhh!

So there you have it. I say stupid things. You are not alone. And so you feel less alone, I’ll be sharing these stories once a month because I say/do shit like this all the time.

Please feel free to share your stories in the comments. Let’s unburden ourselves together!

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