Apparently,​ Not Everyone Likes Butt Jokes

Being a content writer has been not as fun as I thought it would be. While it’s helped in some ways, I spend the majority of my time writing for audiologists – this does not help when all you want to do is write jokes. Additionally, I’m running out of ways to convince people to get their hearing checked. I’m one audiologist away from just saying “GET YOUR FUCKING HEARING CHECKED EVERYONE IS SICK OF YELLING AT YOU HEARING AIDS DON’T MAKE YOU LOOK OLD, THE FACT THAT YOU’RE 90 DOES.”

I don’t think anyone would go for that.

So when our CEO presented a new project for a meal-prep company to me and our creative team, I was pretty happy. Why? Not because I like meal-prep. I actually just finished meal-prepping for the week and every time I do it I’m one week closer to just giving up eating altogether. Spending hours cooking on a Sunday is a fools game.

Anyway, the new project. Per our CEO, this company wanted to change their tone, become a little edgier, and use humor similar to Thug Kitchen. Have you ever heard of Thug Kitchen? They’re incredible. I’m sure their food is good too, I wouldn’t know. They do all vegan and I am 100% carnivore. It’s the descriptions of their recipes that had me in tears. Take a minute and go ahead and check them out.

Good stuff, huh?

If you’ve followed my writing then you know this was right up my alley. I began writing immediately – the following are some of the paragraphs I wrote for the About Us page (names have been omitted so I don’t get fired):

One day, while driving around for no particular reason, Chef became hungry. Being in his car he was unable to whip something up, so he turned his attention to finding something healthy to eat. After spending minutes and minutes searching, he realized he’d basically been driving around in an amusement park full of restaurants serving processed heart attacks and diabetes in the form of burgers and chicken-like nuggets. Everywhere he looked, people were being rolled from one buffet to the next, like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka. It may have been his hunger talking but he decided to start his own restaurant and make food that was easily accessible and also wouldn’t slowly kill people. Thus, Meal-Prep Restaurant was born. Meal-Prep Restaurant offers healthy, chef-prepared meals that are ready-to-eat for people on the go – and believe it or not, they taste good. Don’t believe it? Stop in and try us.

And by that we mean we have 3 locations, in 3 different areas, all easily accessible via motor transportation, and in some cases, by foot. Our refrigerators are fully stocked with meals made fresh daily (i.e. flavors do not include freezer burn) and are available for breakfast, lunch, dinner, even snack time. Don’t act like you don’t eat snacks. Grab your meals to go or take a load off and enjoy them in-store. Either way, you’re getting a quick, delicious, healthy meal that won’t rupture your colon.

Using the latest in Google Map technology, we will happily track you down and deliver your healthy, chef-prepared meals to you. You can’t escape us. We are so dedicated to helping you eat better, we even offer free delivery on orders of $75 or more. But let’s be honest, you can’t really put a price on not having to cook or clean or the hours you’ll save by not staring into the abyss that is the inside of your refrigerator, hoping that if you close the door and reopen it, something will appear that wasn’t there before. It won’t. But Meal-Prep Restaurant will – in the form of a delivery driver with your delicious, ready-to-eat meals. Whether you’re too busy to stop by, or you’re just being lazy (you’re already not cooking, so..) we will take healthy to you.

The goal, I was told, was to get them to sound like Thug Kitchen without the curse words, and toned down just a tad. Mission accomplished as far as I was concerned. I was particularly proud of my “rupture your colon” joke. I couldn’t wait to have our creative team place it on the new web layout and give me a copy for my portfolio. I don’t have a portfolio yet but this would’ve been a good time to start one.

Unfortunately, our CEO was mistaken and it turned out that the company liked the look of the Thug Kitchen website, not the tone. The owner of the meal-prep company walked into our office for a meeting and the first thing he requested was to change everything, especially the “rupture your colon” joke.

My creativity boner went flaccid. It was back to boring. No one was ever going to read my Willy Wonka joke.

And then I thought, fuck it. It’s going on my website. I’m pretty proud of my content and I want it to be seen. So I hope you enjoy the one time I got to write jokes at my grown-up job – purposely. Next week it’s back to audiology, trying to convince old people to GET THEIR FUCKING HEARING CHECKED CAN’T YOU HEAR ME HONKING THE SPEED LIMIT IS 45MPH NOT 15MPH.