Vanderpump Rules: Call Me Jason

It must be difficult growing up on camera. Your voice is changing, you’re growing hair all over like you’re morphing into a werewolf, your face is pulling a backward Benjamin Button. It has to be traumatic. Thank god my dreams of childhood stardom never came true. It’s not all sadness, though. The flip side is you could wait until you’re in your 30s to grow up and then just fix your face with Botox. You see? There’s always a silver lining, you negative Nancy’s.

I realize I’m being way too optimistic about these people but it appears as though some of the gang are growing up. Even Jax; he wants to now go by his birth name, Jason! I’m getting ahead of myself, let’s start from the beginning: mature Stassi making fun of James for having a boyfriend. Stassi and James are meeting with Lisa to finalize details for the Beverly Hills Lifestyle party and to prep for it, Stassi questions what equipment he’ll be bringing to the party, and if he’ll be bringing his boyfriend, Logan. He’s not. James isn’t the only one not doing things because Stassi asks the staff if they’ll work the party for Lisa and they pretty much tell her they will not.

Meanwhile, Katie and Schwartz are preparing for the triplets arrival. Grown-up triplets. Schwartz’s brothers. Schwartz’s boyfriend, Sandoval, helps pick out clothes for the triplets to wear during their time in LA, and eventually, Florida. Katie assists them and is surprisingly OK with Schwartz’s plan to have the triplets stay at his and Katie’s apartment.

While they prepare for the triplets, Stassi prepares to do her podcast with special guest, Billie. Unfortunately for Stassi, Billie had a girls day with Ariana, Lala, and Scheana and Ariana made sure to bring up the podcast that Stassi got in a lot of trouble. I didn’t listen to it either but apparently, it was bad. Anyway, Ariana calls Stassi a racist and this breaks her. Her lashes came off and everything, but the podcast must go on.

Stassi isn’t the only one with problems. The electrical room in SUR caught fire the night before the Beverly Hills Lifestyle party, forcing Lisa to close the restaurant but keep the bar area open. She has plenty to worry about, doesn’t she? Haha, no, because Stassi tells Lisa about the difficult time she’s had getting people to work for her and then starts crying about what Ariana said. Fortunately, Stassi’s able to pull it together for the staff meeting where Lisa tells everyone they have to listen to Stassi. And you know what? She didn’t even gloat about it. Look who’s really growing up.

The party gets going and Stassi’s troubles mount. Ariana is being an asshole to her about her bartending duties, Jax is nowhere to be found, and now Stassi has to bartend. Brittany finally shows up and for the first time, shows that she’s capable of having an attitude, proven by her facial expression when Stassi asks “where’s your boyfriend, Satan?” I laughed. Jax eventually shows up an hour late and is met by an angry Lisa who responds by kicking him out of the party. He then sounds like a 14-year-old me talking about how everyone else makes mistakes, it should totally be OK for him. Listen, the show wasn’t over yet so my “they’re growing up” theory was still intact.

Anyway, Jax heads over to SUR to meet Schwartz and the triplets and then begins talking about his favorite subject: himself. To which one of the triplets responds, “so what about Jaeger bombs”. This is officially how I will change a subject I have zero interest in. Thank you, triplet number one.

Back at the party the rest of the staff is happily working, until an overly Botoxed Kevin Lee decides to tell Katie that she’s “gained weight” and “needs to work on it”. I genuinely wasn’t sure how to respond to that except to say, Fuck You, Kevin Lee.

The party eventually moves over to SUR where James is DJing and Jax is being a drunken asshole. While surrounded by all of the girls he begins to go off about how fake he believes Kristen to be and how upset he was that Kristen brought in Sherry and Brittany’s sister just to get to him. And even though it was true Brittany tries to get him to calm down. Don’t worry, she still doesn’t leave him. I know that’s what you were concerned about.

So it’s the next day and Katie tells Schwartz, Sandoval, and the triplets about Kevin Lee and after some reassuring compliments decides to let it go. And not a moment to soon because we’re then treated to an on-air commercial for PRIV – the delivery beauty salon. Everyone gets spiffed up and then it’s time for a night on the town.

And then THE NEXT DAY, Jax visits his Reiki therapist and opens up about becoming an actor/model, a decision that turned him into Jax. Because he’s not Jax, he’s Jason. You see, it wasn’t him being a complete dildo at all. It was Jax. Jason is the good guy. Jason would never cheat and lie to his girlfriends, roll his best friends under the bus, sleep with his best friend’s girlfriend, or steal and be disrespectful to his boss. That’s all Jax, the actor/model he’s been possessed by.

Listen, if he really decides to become Jason again I’m all for it. But if he starts sleeping with Kelsey we all will have been Jaxed, and this will have been the most ultimate Jaxed of all time.

Photo from: tamaratattles.com

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