Vanderpump Rules: Sex, Lies, and Audiotape

Regardless of where you attended high school, chances are there was an individual whose mere presence sparked riots in your brain. Your mind boycotted their existence, and then they would speak, and their voice caused pure, physical pain. Needles stabbing your eardrums. The poor rioters in your head held their ears with their hands, screaming in agony. We’ve all gone to school with that person. In my grade that person’s name was Julie. One grade higher was a girl whose name rhymes with Mandy and judged you based on your clothes and accessories. If you appeared poor or below her parents income level she deemed you a peasant. I, haha listen to me talking about myself like Mandy. Not just I, EVERYONE hated her. That was 16 years ago. Two weeks ago she appeared on a game show with her wealthy husband and won over $150,000. I did not think it was possible to hate a person more, until this week’s episode of Vanderpump Rules.

Who should we hate first? Let’s start with Schwartz. OK, does every season require a new person to be the villain? Does the show end its run when everyone has had their turn? What the hell happened to Schwartz? After the unnecessary showdown at Guillermo’s birthday party, Schwartz, Sandoval and Jax reconvene at Schwartz’s place. After some guy talk Katie, Stassi and Ariana arrive followed by Katie promptly kicking Jax out. Jax rides away on his motorized cooler and Katie tries to have a conversation with a drunk Schwartz. And the problem with that is?… Katie pours her heart out and asks that he not get blackout drunk so that he won’t continue to make these mistakes, and Schwartz replies by pretty much saying “don’t tell me what to do.”┬áHe’s gone from lovable to being one more blackout away from his next reality show appearance: Intervention.

Let’s switch gears and talk about who everyone USED to hate: Lala. Lala has returned to her hostess position at SUR and what better way to kick off her first day back than with Katie confronting her about the Schwartz gossip. Finger-gun toting Lala could’ve been a dildo about the whole thing but instead, she explains that the reason she said something in the first place was because of the “married man” comment Katie made to Scheana. Katie apologizes and Lala gives her the rest of the details. From one Schwartz talk to another, Lisa informs Katie that she is now worried about partnering with Schwartz out of fear that he may pull the same “I got blackout drunk and don’t remember” stunt with the new business. Wouldn’t you?

Later that day (I guess, the script for this realty show doesn’t always flow well) Schwartz, Tom and Jax enjoy an afternoon of painting and absinthe while Katie, Kristen and Brittany enjoy an afternoon of drinks and gossip. Because this season is all about the domino effect Katie and Kristen tell Brittany about Scheana’s boyfriend, Rob, cheating on her. So there’s that.

Anyway, it’s time to get back to who to hate, and the next person is Scheana. I can’t tell where her delusional mentality comes from: whether it’s from all the botox or if she’s just stared at herself in a mirror so much that she hypnotized herself into believing her fantasies. For example: her and Rob have Ariana and Tom over for dinner and Scheana seems to believe that Rob’s house is also her house. Then, while everyone is sitting down to a catered dinner prepared by a private chef (who works for Rob, not Scheana) Scheana explains that on paper she’s technically married which is why she can’t marry Rob until July. Turns out, she’s delusional AND crazy. (I really think this could be a botox study) And, OK, did anyone else want to banish her from earth when she shared that she had a countdown app on her phone that was counting down the days till her divorce was finalized? Fortunately Scheana wasn’t the only one making the dinner awkward. When Scheana makes a comment about having sex with Rob, Tom tries to get Ariana to agree to have sex with him, to which she responds with nothing.

Schwartz and Katie fight more.

And then we’re taken back to the 90s. Lala and Ariana are shopping and when they begin talking about Ariana and Tom’s relationship and the lack of sexual activity in it, all of a sudden it was like I was watching an episode (because it was too shitty to be compared to the movie) of Clueless where they had a vision of what they would be like after high school. Ariana was saying things like “I’m not craving a P in the V sitch” and Lala was saying things like “blowies” and then was overly shocked about Ariana’s celibacy revelation. Even though they both reminded me of the time my friend Vicky and I spoke like Valley girls because we wanted to sound like the characters in Clueless, Lala did have a sweet (albeit, graphic) message for Ariana and hopefully she’s able to have sex with Tom again.

Now Lisa is fighting with Schwartz and Schwartz is fidgeting like the more he moves his hands the sooner Lisa will stop talking.

AND NOW we’re back to hating Scheana. Kristen, Scheana and Scheana’s fake ponytail are helping Brittany prepare for the Brittany and Jax’s house warming party that nobody thought should happen. While setting up, Kristen and Brittany tell Scheana about Rob making out with another woman and Scheana doesn’t believe it. She didn’t believe it so much that she felt she had to validate her relationship by telling Stassi, who doesn’t even like her, about how great her relationship is and how her and Rob are going to get a house and a bunch of other stuff she made up in her head. Let’s just all be honest about how we felt about the rumor and her finding out: we didn’t care.

Anyway, everyone is having a super great time at the party, UNTIL, another domino effect. Brittany walks in on Jax talking to Carter about the whole cheating scandal and gets emotional and tries to appeal to Jax about why he should talk to her, to which Jax responds by applauding her acting skills (which were pretty good for being so drunk). Lala and Kristen hear the entire exchange and Lala gets pissed. Ariana meets her on the balcony and Lala tells her about a recording she has that captures Jax bad-mouthing Brittany. Oh gee wiz, now what? I’ll tell you: they tell drunk Brittany who drunkenly cusses Jax out in front of everyone and then kicks him out of the apartment. Good plan, Lala and Ariana.

But wait! There’s still one more person to hate, and that person is all of us who watch this show and help them continue to get paid. I hate us all. But now is not the time to practice self-love; I need to know what happens next week. So as you were. Hate on.

To hear more of Typical Jenn’s factual opinions, email jenn@typicaljenn.com.

Photo by: ew.com

 

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