Why My Blog is Called ‘Typical Jenn’ and Not ‘Everything is Coming Up Millhouse For Jenn’

Yesterday I was super excited about getting my MacBook fixed. Here’s how that ended. First, the back story:

The first marketing job I ever had required me to learn graphic design so I could create their advertisements, as opposed to outsourcing. However, they didn’t want to pay for the software I needed so instead they downloaded a hacked version and put it on my computer. 3 computers later I buy myself a MacBook and a friend gives me a copy of the Adobe Suite (a legit one), so our IT guy installs it. Or so I thought. Eventually my MacBook went on the fritz.

The cursor developed a mind of its own and moved like it was having  seizure and for added fun it switched pages on me. It was possessed. Whoever I pissed off in a past life came back as my cursor and really fucked with my head. One day I got so pissed that, and I didn’t know this was possible, I fazed. It turns out you don’t have to be a man to turn into The Hulk. If my computer didn’t work then no one else’s would. I went back to my original employer, who screwed up every computer I used while working for them, and smashed every single computer in that place.. in my head. In reality I hammer fisted my track pad, rendering it useless (unless you like rubbing the skin off your fingers). And the cursor? Apple cursor = 2, Typical Jenn = 0.

After I left, my next couple of employers had computers for me to use and eventually I got an iMac. On Monday I start a new job and while they’ll be providing me with a computer, I still wanted to take my own but can’t really afford to buy another MacBook right now. Still hadn’t occurred to me to get it fixed, UNTIL… My current employer took 2 of our office Macs to a local computer repair guy and told a tale of the guy fixing both Macs, installing a new hard drive in one, and basically making them like new for only $500.

If those 2 only cost $500 then surely my haunted MacBook wouldn’t be too costly to repair. So last week I call the guy and he explains that he’ll be out of town but I can drop it off this Wednesday. I was stoked. I even put a computer sticker on yesterday’s date in my new, obnoxiously happy planner so I wouldn’t forget. I arrive at his office ready to hand my MacBook to this wizard who is going to make it work again. I walk up to the door… it’s locked. The only note on the door says if he’s not at the office it’s because he’s on an appointment but one can drop off their computer at an office next door, as he has an agreement with them that allows them to serve as a drop off. I’m weary of this but decide, fuck it, he’s a magician and must be swamped so I’ll comply.

This was at about 10:30 AM. I ended up having a busy day at work as Wednesday’s usually are for us and I’m also training the guy that’s replacing me. (Side note: I think he has a serious addiction to Apple products. I’m convinced he thinks I’m Siri because he keeps asking me questions and expects me to answer them. It’s so annoying. I don’t know how teachers do it.) Anyhoo, it wasn’t till about 6PM that I remembered my computer. He’s busy, I thought. I’ll check in in the morning.

So, at 10AM this morning I call him. His phone isn’t accepting phone calls. I’m trying to stay positive because I really want my computer fixed and I want it now because he did it for my boss so he can fix mine in the quickness too so I want it working today even though I haven’t touched it in almost 2 years. So I call the office I dropped it off at and they inform me he hasn’t been by. My optimism has turned into “WHERE IN THE FUCK IS THIS MAGIC HEALER WHY HAS HE FORSAKEN ME.” I let them know that if I haven’t heard from the computer witch by this afternoon I will be by to pick up my silver paperweight. Between then and lunch time I call his phone repeatedly. Meanwhile the new guy is rudely interrupting me with questions like “I think I messed up, how do I fix this?” and “what does this error message mean?” Some people.

My boss and I had lunch with one of our main clients and on the way he took me by the supposed computer guru’s office to see what the deal was. His office was still locked and the woman in the open office next door informed us that she hadn’t seen him since last week. She hadn’t even heard from him. I called his phone again, and it was still not accepting calls. Typical. This would happen to me. Since then I’ve been on the phone with other techs and finally with Apple, who’s genuinely doing their best to help me and who I should’ve gone to in the first place, but it’s just fucking typical that I would be ready to fix a computer I haven’t used in 2 years and had no intention of ever using again and was going to put it away and show to either my future kids or my niece how MacBook’s looked in the past and we would all laugh and I wouldn’t be considered a hoarder because this thing is considered a relic and right when I think I’ve found someone who can fix it without me having to drive to the Apple store, he disappears. At this point I’m not even convinced he existed and my boss probably brought computers from home and made up that whole story about this mysterious man and the number I called was probably a ghost number and that ghost is probably the one living in my MacBook and now it’s: Apple Cursor = 3, Typical Jenn = 0.

 

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