Jax Goes to His Own Personal Hell for 2 Weeks

As made evident by some of my blog posts, every so often I like to pick a reality show and write about it. Vanderpump Rules is on that list and since it’s starting its new life as a spinoff machine I figured I would write about its first: Jax and Brittany Take Kentucky. I’m already off to a bad start because I recently found out it debuted last week and episode two airs today. So I watched episode one yesterday and, well… Usually I do a full write-up but this time I’m just going to write about my thoughts during the show as well as on the notes I took, which means you’ll probably have to watch it to know what I’m talking about – a small price to pay for this masterpiece. Let us begin:

• What the hell am I doing?

• I don’t get paid, I don’t really have to watch or write about this show.

• I already don’t care about what’s happening

• Did they just open with ‘this season on…’? Is there going to be another season? They’re on a farm, Brittany wants to get married and Jax is an asshole; I’m not even sure how they made a season 1. The only way there can be a season 2 is if they get married on this farm because they’re still talking about ‘this season on’ and I’m already bored and… wait, oh god is that going to be the next season? They pay them to get married on the farm and hilarity ensues? Forget I said anything about getting married on the farm. Don’t do it! DO NOT DO IT!

• So far the previews show a whole lot of Jax fighting with people. They should’ve just called this “Jax is Also an Asshole in Kentucky.”

• God it’s officially starting.

• Oh OK, you can’t shake a stick in SUR without hitting someone in their nose job but I’m expected to believe that Jax, Brittany and Lisa Vanderpump are the ONLY employee’s at the bar? Got it.

• Well it is their show so I guess. Just another thing the Vanderpump Rules chums can fight about.

• Kentucky. For 2 weeks. With Brittany’s religious family. What could possibly go wrong?

• Mamaw is what my Mexican grandma would be like if she cared about meeting people.

• So far Jax has to be Memaw’s man and do farm work, has been asked to pray, was told he could not drink alcohol, was given overalls to work in, and was grilled on when him and Brittany are getting married. New title: “Jax Goes to His Own Personal Hell for 2 Weeks.”

• If you think about it, the dog peeing on the pillow was poetic in a way. As if to say “piss on this entire show.” I agree.

• This is like the farm episode of Paris and Nicole: The Simple life and Jax is both Paris and Nicole.

• Oh jeez, if you’re a hardcore feminist DO NOT WATCH THIS SHOW. Brittany is not trying to hear your lecture “there is more to life than being married and having kids by the time you’re 30.”

• Jax, if you are reading this, the reason Brittany’s dad, Don, didn’t give you the chainsaw is because he wanted to make sure everyone’s limbs remained intact. As a horror fanatic from Texas I can assure you that chainsaw’s do damage.

• OK at this point even I’m getting tired of the “when are you getting married?” questions.

• Oh no, bible verses. Listen, you can’t just spring bible verses on someone who just tried – and failed – to prove their manliness by swinging away with an axe, unsuccessfully, at a tree for 30 minutes. That’s not helping.

• This bonfire is tame compared to the ones that friends’ of my husband have hosted. I witnessed a guy eat a wasp and drink a girl’s pee for money at one, and at the other a guy drunkenly ran around yelling while showing off his penis.

• Good god, not only does Jax sneak alcohol like a kid but reacts like one when he’s about to get caught. You don’t hide alcohol from Memaw, in the south, using a red solo cup. It’s all about YETI and/or RTIC cups, wake up.

• Oh this is just rich, OK, this was almost – ALMOST – worth watching this show. To deflect from him almost getting caught drinking he pulls Sherri and Memaw aside and shows them a picture of the ring (an image he no doubt Googled) he’s having made for Brittany and explains his plans to propose. Yeah OK. This reminds me of when I was 14 and I was hanging out with a boy from the neighborhood and I missed my 7PM curfew and my mom stood outside screaming my name like a lunatic and when I got home I tried to deflect by talking about how amazing Madonna looked for having just turned 40.

• Hahahahaha, and he thinks telling them this will take the getting-married-pressure off of him for a while. Take it from 14-year-old Jenn, man, you’re just making it worse.

• Next time on “Jax Goes to His Own Personal Hell for 2 Weeks”, Memaw finds out they were drinking because this isn’t her first bonfire.

OK, writing about it was more entertaining than I thought, I suppose I should keep watching. So let’s take it from the top:

• What the hell am I doing?

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