How 50 Shades of Grey Almost Ruined Porn For Me

You probably haven’t noticed that recently I started my Typical Jenn Unofficial Book Club. It’s unofficial because I don’t know what makes a book club official, and it’s probably best because I don’t always share the opinions of my fellow book lovers. You won’t find me discussing books about a terminally ill character finding love and then they die or their loved one dies or everyone dies. I don’t do self-help books. And if the plot has anything to do with a girl who meets the world’s most eligible bachelor and he falls in love with her even though she’s the world’s biggest yawn, well you’ll just have to find another book club because that’s a combination that will keep me away from a book, and the theater. Years ago I was tricked into reading Twilight by a screaming super-fan and ultimately learned the hard way that the more crazed someone is about a book, the more shit it probably is – which is why I’ve steered clear of 50 Shades of Grey.

To be honest I didn’t hear about 50 Shades of Grey until the first movie was about to come out and legions of former Twilight fans were resurrected and mooing about it on social media. However, I did just now research it (primarily so I wouldn’t sound like a total asshole) and in case you’ve avoided it like me here’s the story in a nutshell: There’s a man named Christian Grey who everyone wants and who likes to have sex like he just got out of prison and makes his lovers sign contracts stating they won’t tell anyone. And then a woman named Ana interviews him for a college newspaper and then he wants to have sex with her. So she does and it’s all dominance and beating and after a while she decides it’s not for her and she leaves him. Part 2 goes like this: She gets a job in Seattle and he wants her back so he just buys the company she’s working for (because who hasn’t?) and then fires her boss who sexually harassed her. THEN a woman who used to be one of his lovers breaks into Ana’s apartment and is about to shoot her when Grey walks in like Batman and talks her out of it and saves the day. So then Ana is like “this will never work because I’m boring” and he’s like “but that’s just what a good-looking millionaire who could have anyone they want and I mean anyone probably even JLo wants, marry me”, and then they embark on a “regular” relationship (i.e. he doesn’t beat her when they have sex) and he takes her to a boathouse where he properly proposes and waiting in the wings, pissed off and out for revenge, is the boss that he fired.

So then, based on this synopsis it appears as though my feelings were valid. It’s a cheap romance novel gone mainstream; the Cinemax After Dark version of Twilight, minus the mystical creatures. It works just like Twilight too, in that the character Ana has been created to be so emotionally relatable that anyone (i.e. all of its fans) can fantasize about being her. As awful as it sounds, that’s not what originally kept me across the galaxy from it.

Back when 50 Shades of Grey was just annoying me as a book, I ran into the wife of a co-worker who had just finished reading it. She had recently become a mother and every time we spoke I couldn’t help but notice that she managed to incorporate the word ‘mom’ into the majority of her sentences. I once complimented her on her shoes to which she replied, “thanks, they’re Steve Madden and they’re great for moms.” Christ. Anyway, on this particular day she greeted me by immediately going into her pitch: “oh my gosh have you read 50 Shades of Grey yet?!” followed by “everyone is reading it!” “I’m not” I replied in annoyance. “I promise you’ll love it, you have to read it.” “No” I responded in defiance, hoping this exchange would end there. It didn’t. She followed up with “well I liked it, it’s my mommy porn.”

I felt my self-diagnosed Tourettes of the face kick in.

Mommy porn. You read that right. I’ve accepted the mom haircut, mom jeans, mom wine, shirts that specify you’re a mom. Your Louis Vuitton is now your diaper bag, I GET IT. But ‘mommy porn’? No no no no nope. When she said it time stood still. It was like a punch to the ear drums. I must’ve sworn off porn for a good 2 weeks. Mommy porn isn’t even a category on YouPorn and there are videos of pregnant women having sex for Christ’s sake! (Listen, to each their own, that’s just not my cup of porn. I guess I’m a prude) Don’t act all offended and like you didn’t cringe when you read ‘mommy porn’. Blegh. It sounds like something only a psychopath like Norman Bates or Peter Pan would watch. In fact, that phrase should only be used when punishing your children for watching it. Say it to them, go on; they’ll swear off porn and have a complex for life.

You won’t find that kind of good advice in any of your parenting books – which, in the event that I procreate, I have also sworn off.

GIF’s from reactiongif.com and giphy.com