Well, we made it. After drunken fights, cheating allegations, confrontations, name calling (and that was just the bachelor/bachelorette party), we finally made it to the wedding no one thought would happen, or at least hoped it wouldn’t. You did so think that, shut up. Anyway, the wedding: it was actually quite lovely. Lisa made an excellent officiant because she’s Lisa Vanderpump and she can do anything. And if you say Tom Schwartz’s vows didn’t bring a tear to your eye you’re lying because even my black-hearted self welled up. Fortunately I had tissue; Tom Sandoval had to wipe his tears on Butter, Schwartz and Katie’s dog.
So the wedding was good and great but let’s talk about the reception, where it all really happened. First, does anyone else think Kristen should be institutionalized for continuing to wear that fake engagement ring (aside from all of the other reasons, of course). I can’t remember why she wore it before (surely not to keep from attracting anyone, because one conversation with her and her head-twitching will do it) but it’s current sole purpose is to serve as a subtle hint, directed at her boyfriend Carter, that she’s ready to get married. Except instead of looking like a hint, it’s starting to look more like a command. She takes it one step further by trying on a friend’s engagement ring, showing it to Carter, and proudly proclaiming they wear the same size ring, in case he needed to know. This must be why they’re always making out – it’s the only we he can keep her from speaking. Although, that visual is just is just as obnoxious as Kristen. Have you seen them? It’s like watching two beta fish trying to consume each other.
Nightmares. Let’s erase that visual and replace it with Stassi serving Lisa her dinner at the reception; it was the most work she had done since leaving SUR almost 4 years ago. Once she’s dismissed Sandoval joins Lisa at the table to compliment her on the extraordinary job she did officiating Schwartz and Katie’s wedding, a compliment that went over very well because she offered Sandoval the opportunity to partner with Lisa on her new restaurant.
Meanwhile, back at the wedding-party table, Schwartz has stepped away for a moment allowing all the male guests to kiss Katie (on the cheek, you perverts), per Danish tradition. In my family we do the bride/groom money dance and make us some dollars. Just something to chew on for the next cast member who ties the knot.
Anyway, it’s time to talk about the real stars of the show: the triplets. It’s speech time and triplet #1, Billy, gives a lovely, drunk speech. Listen Billy, we’ve all been there so no worries. Next, triplet #2, Bert, gives a lovely, short, not-as-drunk speech. Triplet #3, Brandon, gives no speech, but because there are three of them there must be three speeches and Billy is more than happy to deliver an encore, which he does, drunkenly referring to Tom as a pimp in the process. Just before somebody yanks him off stage with one of those cartoon hook cane’s, he wraps it up. A few more speeches are made, most of which sound more like praises for Schwartz than congratulatory speeches, and then some more things happen.
First, Jax tells Brittany that things aren’t working out between them anymore. BUT, wait for it… He’s just kidding! A funny joke for a woman who has planned her wedding since she was a child and uprooted her entire life to be with this man. Then Jax tells her that they’ll get married “one day”; an even crueler joke.
Next, Sandoval tells Ariana about Lisa’s offer, and then he cries. Then he tries to talk marriage with Ariana, and cries some more, and then they both giggle. The serious talks continue with a more in-depth conversation with Lisa regarding the partnership. As it turns out Lisa’s plan is to open a new restaurant, have Sandoval run the business side, offer Schwartz the opportunity to be the face of the restaurant, and she’s going to name it Tom Tom. Yes, Tom Tom. Suddenly, and as though he was scripted to be lurking just around the corner during the conversation – which can’t be because this is a reality show and 100% real – Schwartz pops up and joins them. Who wouldn’t want the opportunity to go in partners with Lisa Vanderpump on a restaurant that is partially named after them? The answer to that is Schwartz because the minute Lisa mentions the idea to him he says no, claiming “it’s too much pressure”. Also it would require him to work, but they don’t show him listing that as one of his reservations. Realizing she’s scared him with the mere mention of responsibility Lisa decides they should all discuss it later, and sober.
Another conversation that would’ve been best sober was the one between Ariana and Stassi. Sonoma-drunk Ariana was a barrel of laughs, but this wedding-drunk Ariana who weeps to Stassi about the struggles of trying to make something of herself and how she’s working so hard on her book and she’s doing her best? Swear to God, the minute she started boohooing about “doing the best she can” my brain immediately started playing the scene from Dane Cook’s comedy special Vicious Circle where he talks about having a good cry while repeating “I did my best. I did my best.” (If you’ve never seen it I suggest you YouTube it this second. Go on, I can wait. See?) Stassi is in heaven: she’s so desperate for Ariana to like her that she uses this opportunity to console her, attempting to prove she’s not so shitty. Then she practically does cartwheels around the venue when she discovers that her and Ariana share a common interest: they both like the idea of murder; they even create a special hashtag (#murder4lyfe) to commemorate the occasion. It was all very #thelma&louise.
It’s all love and happiness and bliss, and as the wedding comes to a close, Sandoval squawks us off with his tiny trumpet. The wedding may be over but the show doesn’t end there. Three months after Schwartz and Katie’s marriage begins, Scheana ends hers, and we all get to witness it in a very unnecessary scene, because unless you went off the grid and avoided television, social media, the internet, your phone, magazines, and people, UNLESS YOU DID ALL THAT, then you already knew they were getting divorced and why.
To be honest I’m more surprised that they showed the break-up scene than I am that they actually broke up. Shay was always a bit of background noise rather than a fixture and eventually he was just drowned out. Don’t act like you didn’t see it coming. Scheana herself gave it away by proclaiming how perfect her marriage was ad nauseam (even when no one asked), with Shay nowhere in sight to at least make it plausible. In fact he was so absent from this season I wouldn’t be surprised if he had been superimposed into the few scenes he appeared in.
Speaking of superimposed, unless that’s how this group is banded together for the show, a reunion special (a 3-parter no less) seems pointless. For Christ’s sake they work together, hang out at each other’s homes, they’re in each others weddings, they date each other, they take trips together, and based on their social media accounts it’s not just during filming. Contractual or not, every day of their lives is a reunion. It’s like the reality show version of “Friends” except half the cast is about 97% less lovable.
Still, I’ll be watching all three reunion specials; watching as they get paid to continue on with fights that happened months ago – all while I write about it, for free. Somehow I’ve become the loser in this situation.