The Girl Who Cried Hubcap

One day I would love to be considered/work as a comedic writer, but since I’m better at telling a story in person I figured a blog would be a great way to develop my skills, or some skills. As a kid I loved getting a laugh out of people and learned early on that my niche was sarcasm. I also learned that people don’t necessarily like when sarcasm is directed towards them or when they’re the subject of my stories.

In addition to telling stories and jokes I enjoyed listening to others who shared my interest in making people laugh. I wanted to learn about different types of humor, different ways to tell a story, all of it. I tried to surround myself with people who I found hilarious, as well as religiously watched Comic View and George Lopez so I could compare jokes with my fellow funny friend, Jade. D.L. Hughely taught me to say what I was thinking, high school taught me that this approach comes with ass-kicking threats and exclusion. A lot of my jokes/stories made me pretty unpopular which propelled me into a phase where I would only tell stories that happened to me or family members that, I thought were funny, but didn’t contain any negativity about anyone in the story; I pretty much sold out. Luckily I still had my hilarious best friend, Ileen, to bounce my mean jokes/stories off of!

Well, a week into this phase I had already had it. Positive funny things don’t really happen to me or people I know and being nice just didn’t come naturally to me (and still doesn’t). Eventually my well ran dry and I had nothing to offer; no stories, no jokes, fucking nothing. I needed material and I was getting desperate so I started to go through stories in my head that I’d heard and believed I could make more funny. After finally deciding on one it was time to get back to my one woman show. While standing around with a couple of girls I somehow managed to segway the conversation to a starting point for my story.

As I began I thought, “if I can really sell this maybe this can be my new thing: taking stories and making them better!”

The story was about standing at Hollywood Video (R.I.P.) and watching some guy driving super slow trying to impress in his Impala and his hubcap popped off and rolled away, which took away from his coolness.

It was actually a pretty ridiculous story now that I think about it. Not ridiculous in that it never could’ve happened, I mean ridiculous as in who cares and also why did I care. I told the story and waited for the roaring laughter, which was extremely presumptuous of me because I couldn’t even remember if I had laughed when I heard the story. As a matter of fact I couldn’t remember where I heard it. Until…..

 

When I saw their faces it hit me, it was their story. I had just told a story to the people it actually happened to, only my version included more exaggerated gestures and a hilarious reaction from the driver. But when you’re re-telling someone else’s story and trying to pass it off as your own they catch on pretty quick. One of the girls finally chimed in and said “uh, are you sure that happened to you because that exact same thing happened to me?” I was caught and what followed was a blur of awkward. I do remember that my excuses ranged from “what a coinkydink!” to “maybe we were both there and didn’t see each other!” Each excuse sounded more stupid than the last. The girls knew I was full of shit and laughter ensued.

After that I immediately went back to my sarcasm/shit talking stories and jokes. I figured being unpopular from my jokes was way better than being unpopular for copyright infringement, a valuable lesson to learn at 14.

So let that be a lesson to you kids, and the Fat Jewish. Don’t steal stories, or jokes, or meme’s and act like you created them so people think you’re funny but you’re not and need to give credit to the people who are ACTUALLY RESPONSIBLE for the meme/joke/story. Listen, just don’t steal, OK? It makes you a colossal dick.

Years after I graduated high school and moved away from my shame I, ironically, found myself in a runaway hubcap situation. I witnessed it for real and everything. In the early 2000s the show “Pimp My Ride” tricked people into thinking that all you needed to do to make your beat-up old car cool was fill it with bullshit from Best Buy and Spencer’s. And if I remember correctly the show helped launch the era of the Spinners, the wheels that double spun while in motion. Now the wheels, I’m told, were extremely expensive and I think could put you under hyptnosis if stared at too long. The price didn’t keep people away because I remember a cheaper version I call Fpinners making an appearance not long after the real ones. The difference between Spinners and Fpinners was rather than spin inside, the Fpinners had a smaller piece of hubcap that stuck out and spun outside of the wheel. It was like 2 hubcaps stacked on top of each other. Those wheels were straight out of the Thunderdome and I think should’ve been illegal. One day I was driving down the highway when I noticed an older model car and its Fpinners approaching in the lane to the right of me at a high rate of speed. I guess Fpinners top out at a certain speed because one of theirs popped off and rolled into oncoming traffic. I don’t know if you’ve seen these things but when separated the outside piece basically turns into a landmine for tires. Luckily the wheel wasn’t anywhere near me but through my rear view mirror I did get to see a couple of cars dodge it like the banana peel in Mario Kart. I don’t know if that piece of hubacp got anyone but I do know that I was so traumatized by my fake story fiasco that I didn’t want to tell anyone about my real encounter with a hubcap because I thought it would be like the boy who cried wolf, only I’d be ripped apart by humans. No thanks. So there you go kids, don’t steal.

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